Sunday's drive up your blog... with Ramblin' Rooster

Julia Roberts

Ramblin' Rooster — Tue, 18 May 2010 04:02:42 +0000

I’m in love with Julia Robert’s teeth.
I want to marry her left canine.
I’m unsure if marrying all her teeth would count as bigamy and I’m afraid to ask.
I’d polish and buff that beautiful tooth every four hours, (or as needed).
We’d walk the red carpet, (in my hallway, not Hollywood).
We’d laugh, we’d sing, we’d carry on all night long.
I’d be indifferent to all the stares and my lovely tooth-wife would be indifferent to all the stairs, (’cause she’d ride along in my breast pocket).
I guess that means I’d have to buy shirts that have a breast pocket.
Carrying her in my pants pocket is just a little too much, (if you know what I mean).
I don’t know… that right central incisor is pretty hot too.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was Bob Reynolds, but it doesn’t matter now ’cause he was killed by the newly reformed ‘Avengers’. So CLT, (with that whop ‘em answer) gets the fabulous vacation prize package worth over eight million dollars, (available right after the demurrage of “some” amount is secured, sorry no COD).

Tonight’s trivia question:

What is Norman Osborn’s hair suppose to be, seriously?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Make Mine Menstrual

Ramblin' Rooster — Tue, 11 May 2010 04:46:06 +0000

I’ve never noticed it before, but why does menstrual start with MEN?
Anyway, I want to have a period.
I watch thirty-six hours of television a day and I see commercial after commercial with these young, hot, girls having the time of their life while menstruating.
Now I know you’re going to try and argue with me about the bloating, can’t fit into my jeans, sitting sad and lonely, looking off in the distance commercials, but let me say this,
those are the lies and deceptive techniques manufactured by evil pharmaceutical companies to try and make you think that having a period is uncomfortable and displeasurable.
But I know better, they just want to sell pills. I’ve seen the commercials, those girls are living the life I can only dream about.
There’s no limit to what they can do. I want to do a cartwheel on a boat off the coast of a beautiful beach after winning my cheerleading competition and dancing the night away on a mountain top that I parachuted in from a helicopter from outer space. Who wouldn’t? It’s awesome!

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

I’m totally torn about the winner tonight. CLT took it straight to the source, Claire “No More” Collins busted a personal side story, Scott dropped funny and FJ sparked love. So does everybody win? Sure, why not?! You all win a month’s supply of pads, (with or without wings).

Tonight’s trivia question:

Who is The Sentry’s alter ego?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Millionaire

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 03 May 2010 02:52:24 +0000

I was hanging out with my entrepreneur friend this weekend.
He’s infectious, always talking about this million dollar idea and that million dollar idea; “get rich or die trying”.
His energy and excitement for taking over the world just rubs off on you, like a homeless man brushing up against you on a subway.
It got me to thinking…
I have a million idea that I want to try. It’s called “Traveling at the Speed Light”. Wouldn’t that be fun?
It works like this: Get on an elevator, wait for the doors to close and push the floor that you are currently on, (ex. if you get on the elevator on the 4th floor, push four).
The result, you are instantly there! You just traveled at the speed of light!
That’d be $19.95 please.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was exactly, word for word what Fundamental Jelly said, uncanny. Congratulations FJ, you win a gift certificate to your favorite nail salon. Parting gifts of Lee Press-On Nails for all those who turned your fabulous answers, but come on, FJ’s was just too funny.

Tonight’s riddle:

You hear growling, you see me put an uncooked steak in my pants, you see scratching, what’s in there?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Take It and RUN!

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 04:28:57 +0000

I walking down the street today, minding my own business, looking for coins, cans, aluminum foil, energy bar wrappers and anything else that’s shiny when a stranger approached me.
I know what you’re saying, “Stranger Danger”, but honestly this stranger didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger, so I through caution to the wind.
However they did seem in a bad way.
The stranger, a woman, asked, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you had a cell phone I could use? I need to call a tow truck, my car quit on me around the corner…”
I didn’t reply, I just reached in my pocket and handed her my phone.
“Oh thank you!” she exclaimed. She actually said thank you, (this is important because of what happens next). She takes my phone and bolts in a mad sprint.
I’m so shocked and stunned, that it takes a few seconds to give chase.
She whips the first left she can make down an alley, (smart move, except if you’re being chased in a movie) unfortunately this one is not a dead-end. Perhaps if I was meaning to rape, kill or rob her the alley would have had no way out. In effort to make some “Hollywood moments” I did shout out the occasional “Hey!” “Stop!” “Come back here!”. I was able to refrain from “Why you…”
Down the alley the thief took a left; up to the next street where she took another left; down to the next intersection taking another left and finally left down the alley. The cycle repeated over and over and it didn’t take long to realize that we were going in circles. Perhaps she was trying to wear me out. I thought of stopping and waiting for her to come around, but couldn’t take the chance that she might look behind her periodically to see if I’d “wised up” to her loop scheme. So ’round and ’round we went till eventually we turned to butter. Then my friend Sambo took that butter and put it on his flapjacks.
Epilogue: Who is long distance provider?

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was exactly, word for word what CLT said and so he is the winner, (along with Scott ’cause I love those who piggy-back). Your prize is a stack of Sambo’s famous flapjacks, (butter not provided).

Tonight’s riddle:

How do you slap a blonde without touching her?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Meaning of Life

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 04:37:24 +0000

My father came visit this weekend.
We we’re talking.
He’s getting on in the years.
One thing lead to another and I asked the question, “Do you fear dying?”
His response?
“Who gives a shit?”

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was “Surveyed monuments of quarter sections” but since no one could tell that I’m going with Michael’s “Terminator’s eye”, (’cause that’s what I was thinking).

Tonight’s riddle:

How do you make a meal with no food?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Everyone’s Favorite Game

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 02:46:23 +0000

Time to play everyone’s favorite internet photo-game, Fundamental Jelly, (lawsuit pending)

Tonight’s game is, “What the hell is that?”

Boy, that's weird

That's strange as well...

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was “Love”. Not cool man!

Tonight’s riddle:

[See above]

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

When It’s Bad

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 02:12:15 +0000

If you’ve ever been alive, you’ve probably had a bad day, or moment, or thought.
Maybe you drank too much at a Christmas party and set the tree on fire.
Perhaps you stole your mother’s purse for “crack money” only to discover outside your dealer’s house that you mistakenly grabbed her winter purse after she switched to her summer purse.
Possibly you’ve had your “fully exposed” body posted on the internet without your permission.
By chance you’ve been arrested for sexually assaulting a parking meter in downtown Detroit.
No matter what your situation, not matter how hard you think you’ve had it, no matter how low you think you’ve sunk, you don’t know bad until you’re checking the rearview mirror for bodies.
“I don’t remember a speed bump on this road”.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “3′-8″”. Scott is the winner again for he seemed to be on my level…

Tonight’s riddle:

A=X, W=B, M=Q What does L-O-V-E spell?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Music Defines Us, But Who Made Us?

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 03:17:19 +0000

Dedicated to people like http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/

I couldn’t begin to image the circle of friends my readers run with, but I will share that my whole life has always had one person in the circle known as the “cool music guy”.

The “cool music guy” can be summed up as a person who has an incredible collection of music, so vast that it can not be completely listened to in any one lifetime, yet somehow they have and still seek out more.

They know things about artists, albums, bands, concerts, managers, and recording companies that would leave the writers of any “Behind the Music” type show crying and in the fetal position.

They listen to things you don’t understand, things that blow your mind, things that make you “feel things in places that have long laid dormant”.

If you’re lucky enough, they’ll even “turn you on” to something you never thought you’d ever be listening to.

So the other day when I was driving around with my windows down, music blaring, telling the world, “Hey look at me, I’m cool!” I had this thought.

“This music I’m sharing with strangers via their open windows did not come from my personal collection. I didn’t seek out this music. I didn’t discover this band in the back of the music store and think I’ll give it a try. No, this music was given to me by someone. They gave me a CD and said to check it out.”

And it was with that thought that led to another thought, (as they often do).

“If I did just get this music handed to me and I didn’t really earn it or work to find it, can I really go around jamming it out in excess like I’m cool and hip? Doesn’t the credit really lie with the person who gave me this music? Am I really just a poser that would be listening to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ if left to my own resources?”

I turned the radio down, rolled up the windows and drove home.

Upon arriving home I got a book out and started to read.

It occurred to me, “Someone recommended this book to me.”

So I threw the book against the wall and went to the kitchen for a snack.

As I reached for the “squid ink fettucini” it came over me, “Someone said I should try this…”

Who am I?

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “noon”. Scott gets to be the winner again, (only because I thought he meant the Illuminati consisting of Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Namor, Black Bolt, Dr. Strange and Professor X).

Tonight’s riddle:

If you pulled out a five dollar bill to buy an eight dollar beer, how short are you?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Getting Down To It

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 02:46:45 +0000

In this ever changing world, marked by a new trend in androgyny, we’ve all seen an uprise of metrosexuality, plastic surgery and unisex smocks.

It would only make sense to debate the most controversial and important dilemma in the history of man/woman/it psychology.

If you were to undergo gender reassignment surgery, would you, (upon healing) seek out to try “the new goods” with close friends or seek a strangers to engage the “breaking it in” stage?

Every one that I polled answered unanimously that they would refrain from “hooking up” with an existing friend.

Which is odd, because all the Hollywood movies I’ve ever seen make it crystal clear that your perfect mate lies in your “best friend”.

I think the part that would be most difficult, (as always) would be the holidays. Taking home that “new” special someone and saying something like, “Mom, Dad, you remember Dave?”

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “I have no idea”. Scott was by far the winner, not only because he was the only one to answer by wordpress time, but because it was a good answer, (much better than mine).

Tonight’s riddle:

What word can be written forward, backward or upside down and still be read from left to right?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

That’s No Police Officer

Ramblin' Rooster — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:13:24 +0000

I was wandering around, getting lost at a beautiful office park today.

It didn’t take long until I became very tired. I decided to crawl into the structure box of a curb inlet for a tasty, little nap.

My efforts were quickly thwarted by a very proficient, thorough, and overly bored security guard.

“Hey! What are you doing in there?” he demanded.

“I was attempting a tasty, little nap, but no dice, thanks to you.” I replied.

“Well, get out of there!” he insisted.

Normally I have nothing but love and respect for any and all authority figures.

But the guy… this “security guard” came rolling up in a Toyota Matrix… two door. Give me a break!

I fear and respect a Crown Vic’ and the Caprice, maybe even one of those “undercover sport cop cars”, but a Toyota Matrix? No way. Two door for crying in the night.

So he tased me.

What did I learn? Respect is measured not by the car, but by the voltage.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “a penguin rolling down the hill”. No correct answers were logged, so of course that means everyone who answered with anything at all wins! What did you win? What do you mean what did you win, you didn’t even answer correctly, what do you want, jeez?!

Tonight’s riddle:

If the equator is to the south and the north star is in the eastern hemisphere, what direction are you facing?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!