Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Julia Roberts

with 6 comments

I’m in love with Julia Robert’s teeth.
I want to marry her left canine.
I’m unsure if marrying all her teeth would count as bigamy and I’m afraid to ask.
I’d polish and buff that beautiful tooth every four hours, (or as needed).
We’d walk the red carpet, (in my hallway, not Hollywood).
We’d laugh, we’d sing, we’d carry on all night long.
I’d be indifferent to all the stares and my lovely tooth-wife would be indifferent to all the stairs, (’cause she’d ride along in my breast pocket).
I guess that means I’d have to buy shirts that have a breast pocket.
Carrying her in my pants pocket is just a little too much, (if you know what I mean).
I don’t know… that right central incisor is pretty hot too.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was Bob Reynolds, but it doesn’t matter now ’cause he was killed by the newly reformed ‘Avengers’. So CLT, (with that whop ’em answer) gets the fabulous vacation prize package worth over eight million dollars, (available right after the demurrage of “some” amount is secured, sorry no COD).

Tonight’s trivia question:

What is Norman Osborn’s hair suppose to be, seriously?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Make Mine Menstrual

with 12 comments

I’ve never noticed it before, but why does menstrual start with MEN?
Anyway, I want to have a period.
I watch thirty-six hours of television a day and I see commercial after commercial with these young, hot, girls having the time of their life while menstruating.
Now I know you’re going to try and argue with me about the bloating, can’t fit into my jeans, sitting sad and lonely, looking off in the distance commercials, but let me say this,
those are the lies and deceptive techniques manufactured by evil pharmaceutical companies to try and make you think that having a period is uncomfortable and displeasurable.
But I know better, they just want to sell pills. I’ve seen the commercials, those girls are living the life I can only dream about.
There’s no limit to what they can do. I want to do a cartwheel on a boat off the coast of a beautiful beach after winning my cheerleading competition and dancing the night away on a mountain top that I parachuted in from a helicopter from outer space. Who wouldn’t? It’s awesome!

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

I’m totally torn about the winner tonight. CLT took it straight to the source, Claire “No More” Collins busted a personal side story, Scott dropped funny and FJ sparked love. So does everybody win? Sure, why not?! You all win a month’s supply of pads, (with or without wings).

Tonight’s trivia question:

Who is The Sentry’s alter ego?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Millionaire

with 13 comments

I was hanging out with my entrepreneur friend this weekend.
He’s infectious, always talking about this million dollar idea and that million dollar idea; “get rich or die trying”.
His energy and excitement for taking over the world just rubs off on you, like a homeless man brushing up against you on a subway.
It got me to thinking…
I have a million idea that I want to try. It’s called “Traveling at the Speed Light”. Wouldn’t that be fun?
It works like this: Get on an elevator, wait for the doors to close and push the floor that you are currently on, (ex. if you get on the elevator on the 4th floor, push four).
The result, you are instantly there! You just traveled at the speed of light!
That’d be $19.95 please.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was exactly, word for word what Fundamental Jelly said, uncanny. Congratulations FJ, you win a gift certificate to your favorite nail salon. Parting gifts of Lee Press-On Nails for all those who turned your fabulous answers, but come on, FJ’s was just too funny.

Tonight’s riddle:

You hear growling, you see me put an uncooked steak in my pants, you see scratching, what’s in there?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Take It and RUN!

with 14 comments

I walking down the street today, minding my own business, looking for coins, cans, aluminum foil, energy bar wrappers and anything else that’s shiny when a stranger approached me.
I know what you’re saying, “Stranger Danger”, but honestly this stranger didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger, so I through caution to the wind.
However they did seem in a bad way.
The stranger, a woman, asked, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you had a cell phone I could use? I need to call a tow truck, my car quit on me around the corner…”
I didn’t reply, I just reached in my pocket and handed her my phone.
“Oh thank you!” she exclaimed. She actually said thank you, (this is important because of what happens next). She takes my phone and bolts in a mad sprint.
I’m so shocked and stunned, that it takes a few seconds to give chase.
She whips the first left she can make down an alley, (smart move, except if you’re being chased in a movie) unfortunately this one is not a dead-end. Perhaps if I was meaning to rape, kill or rob her the alley would have had no way out. In effort to make some “Hollywood moments” I did shout out the occasional “Hey!” “Stop!” “Come back here!”. I was able to refrain from “Why you…”
Down the alley the thief took a left; up to the next street where she took another left; down to the next intersection taking another left and finally left down the alley. The cycle repeated over and over and it didn’t take long to realize that we were going in circles. Perhaps she was trying to wear me out. I thought of stopping and waiting for her to come around, but couldn’t take the chance that she might look behind her periodically to see if I’d “wised up” to her loop scheme. So ’round and ’round we went till eventually we turned to butter. Then my friend Sambo took that butter and put it on his flapjacks.
Epilogue: Who is long distance provider?

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was exactly, word for word what CLT said and so he is the winner, (along with Scott ’cause I love those who piggy-back). Your prize is a stack of Sambo’s famous flapjacks, (butter not provided).

Tonight’s riddle:

How do you slap a blonde without touching her?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

April 26, 2010 at 4:28 am

Meaning of Life

with 19 comments

My father came visit this weekend.
We we’re talking.
He’s getting on in the years.
One thing lead to another and I asked the question, “Do you fear dying?”
His response?
“Who gives a shit?”

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was “Surveyed monuments of quarter sections” but since no one could tell that I’m going with Michael’s “Terminator’s eye”, (’cause that’s what I was thinking).

Tonight’s riddle:

How do you make a meal with no food?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Everyone’s Favorite Game

with 16 comments

Time to play everyone’s favorite internet photo-game, Fundamental Jelly, (lawsuit pending)

Tonight’s game is, “What the hell is that?”

Boy, that's weird

That's strange as well...

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was “Love”. Not cool man!

Tonight’s riddle:

[See above]

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

April 12, 2010 at 2:46 am

When It’s Bad

with 18 comments

If you’ve ever been alive, you’ve probably had a bad day, or moment, or thought.
Maybe you drank too much at a Christmas party and set the tree on fire.
Perhaps you stole your mother’s purse for “crack money” only to discover outside your dealer’s house that you mistakenly grabbed her winter purse after she switched to her summer purse.
Possibly you’ve had your “fully exposed” body posted on the internet without your permission.
By chance you’ve been arrested for sexually assaulting a parking meter in downtown Detroit.
No matter what your situation, not matter how hard you think you’ve had it, no matter how low you think you’ve sunk, you don’t know bad until you’re checking the rearview mirror for bodies.
“I don’t remember a speed bump on this road”.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “3′-8″”. Scott is the winner again for he seemed to be on my level…

Tonight’s riddle:

A=X, W=B, M=Q What does L-O-V-E spell?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Music Defines Us, But Who Made Us?

with 6 comments

Dedicated to people like http://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/

I couldn’t begin to image the circle of friends my readers run with, but I will share that my whole life has always had one person in the circle known as the “cool music guy”.

The “cool music guy” can be summed up as a person who has an incredible collection of music, so vast that it can not be completely listened to in any one lifetime, yet somehow they have and still seek out more.

They know things about artists, albums, bands, concerts, managers,  and recording companies that would leave the writers of any “Behind the Music” type show crying and in the fetal position.

They listen to things you don’t understand, things that blow your mind, things that make you “feel things in places that have long laid dormant”.

If you’re lucky enough, they’ll even “turn you on” to something you never thought you’d ever be listening to.

So the other day when I was driving around with my windows down, music blaring, telling the world, “Hey look at me, I’m cool!” I had this thought.

“This music I’m sharing with strangers via their open windows did not come from my personal collection. I didn’t seek out this music. I didn’t discover this band in the back of the music store and think I’ll give it a try. No, this music was given to me by someone. They gave me a CD and said to check it out.”

And it was with that thought that led to another thought, (as they often do).

“If I did just get this music handed to me and I didn’t really earn it or work to find it, can I really go around jamming it out in excess like I’m cool and hip? Doesn’t the credit really lie with the person who gave me this music? Am I really just a poser that would be listening to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ if left to my own resources?”

I turned the radio down, rolled up the windows and drove home.

Upon arriving home I got a book out and started to read.

It occurred to me, “Someone recommended this book to me.”

So I threw the book against the wall and went to the kitchen for a snack.

As I reached for the “squid ink fettucini” it came over me, “Someone said I should try this…”

Who am I?

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “noon”. Scott gets to be the winner again, (only because I thought he meant the Illuminati consisting of Iron Man, Mr. Fantastic, Namor, Black Bolt, Dr. Strange and Professor X).

Tonight’s riddle:

If you pulled out a five dollar bill to buy an eight dollar beer, how short are you?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Getting Down To It

with 24 comments

In this ever changing world, marked by a new trend in androgyny, we’ve all seen an uprise of metrosexuality, plastic surgery and unisex smocks.

It would only make sense to debate the most controversial and important dilemma in the history of man/woman/it psychology.

If you were to undergo gender reassignment surgery, would you, (upon healing) seek out to try “the new goods” with close friends or seek a strangers to engage the “breaking it in” stage?

Every one that I polled answered unanimously that they would refrain from “hooking up” with an existing friend.

Which is odd, because all the Hollywood movies I’ve ever seen make it crystal clear that your perfect mate lies in your “best friend”.

I think the part that would be most difficult, (as always) would be the holidays. Taking home that “new” special someone and saying something like, “Mom, Dad, you remember Dave?”

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “I have no idea”. Scott was by far the winner, not only because he was the only one to answer by wordpress time, but because it was a good answer, (much better than mine).

Tonight’s riddle:

What word can be written forward, backward or upside down and still be read from left to right?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

March 22, 2010 at 2:46 am

That’s No Police Officer

with 2 comments

I was wandering around, getting lost at a beautiful office park today.

It didn’t take long until I became very tired. I decided to crawl into the structure box of a curb inlet for a tasty, little nap.

My efforts were quickly thwarted by a very proficient, thorough, and overly bored security guard.

“Hey! What are you doing in there?” he demanded.

“I was attempting a tasty, little nap, but no dice, thanks to you.” I replied.

“Well, get out of there!” he insisted.

Normally I have nothing but love and respect for any and all authority figures.

But the guy… this “security guard” came rolling up in a Toyota Matrix… two door. Give me a break!

I fear and respect a Crown Vic’ and the Caprice, maybe even one of those “undercover sport cop cars”, but a Toyota Matrix? No way. Two door for crying in the night.

So he tased me.

What did I learn? Respect is measured not by the car, but by the voltage.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “a penguin rolling down the hill”. No correct answers were logged, so of course that means everyone who answered with anything at all wins! What did you win? What do you mean what did you win, you didn’t even answer correctly, what do you want, jeez?!

Tonight’s riddle:

If the equator is to the south and the north star is in the eastern hemisphere, what direction are you facing?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Country Gravy

with 10 comments

On an impulse buy I bought eleven pounds of sausage.

After weeks of making every dish I could think of that called for the deliciousness of pork product, (and some that did not) I got down to “just a little left”.

I awoke this morning and decided to make my favorite breakfast of all time, biscuits and gravy.

I opened the cupboard and found a package of gravy mix. Much to my surprise the “powder” had expired just shy of seven years prior. “Oh well,” I thought, “going to store is out of the question. That would require wearing pants!”

When I awoke in the hospital bed a nurse asked me, “How are you feeling?”

To which I replied, (in song):

If I cared where I was going

Then I’d care when I arrived

If when I got there was important

Then I’d take over and drive

If all the people passing me really did matter

Then I wouldn’t have eaten seven year old spice and flour

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “because they’re too tired, (or two tired)” which grasps desperately at the pun of two tires. The triumphant return of Claire, (or Tracy) yields a strong play for domination, but alas she must share her winnings with CLT and Scott. Please enjoy your own package of severely expired country gravy mix!

Tonight’s riddle:

What black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white…?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Emergency Superseded By Existentialism

with 21 comments

I’ve sniffed a lot of glue, so I’d like to think I’ve developed a knack for the craft. Now I can bore you with excuses and come up with all kinds of reasons as to why what happened, happened, but the truth is I got lazy and messed up.

Somehow I got the tube of model airplane glue to adhere to the inside of my nostril. What are you gonna do? Call an emergency room? Call the poison control center? Call your mom? NO! You get in your car and drive to your local, neighborhood, 24 hour pharmacy, (remember those Scott?) and walk up and down every aisle looking for anything that will loosen the death-grip of this hobby paste.

It was while walking each aisle that I found myself in the baby section. In this aisle there were diapers, formula, breast pumps, jams and jellies, powders, baby supplies of every facet, condoms and adult lubricants.

Now I know many people talked about the oddity, irony and mixed messages this sends out into the universe, but I honestly felt perplexed. I couldn’t tell what I was suppose to feel, what direction I was suppose to travel with this message.

Are they telling me to prevent pregnancy? Are they telling me to avoid contraception? Is it a promotion for celibacy? Is it a warning? Is it a sign? Is it a threat? Is it subliminal? Is it shouting so loud I can’t hear it? And why isn’t there porn on this aisle for those of us like me who become scared and confused by this aisle?

Worst of all I forgot all about my nasal-tube predicament. Instead I bought a bag of circus peanut and drove by the drive in theatre.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “because they already have spots”. Despite Scott’s strong argument for logic, Fundamental Jelly wins a year’s supply of model airplane glue with his correct answer. Way to go!

Tonight’s riddle:

Why can’t bicycles stand up by themselves?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Guess it

with 8 comments

For whatever reason, I’ve looked the creature in its mouth.

I’ve seen the cavities that rot the breathe being exhaled in my general direction.

I’ve felt the cold, dead touch; on my inner thigh, along my eye, and in my bellybutton.

No one can rescue the children of humiliation.

Not once has anyone raised a glass to a flag that didn’t wave goodbye.

Forever is an easy promise to break; flawed from the conception from which it was brought forth. Of course I’ll promise forever, it’s not like you could ever hold me to my word.

Play more harmonicas.

Wear more plaid.

Sip more hot beverages.

Smoke more cigarettes and ash in my brandy.

I like your sweaty, smelly, wet and sticky hair on my stomach.

I keep looking down, wandering around, as though I’m actually trying to find something or perhaps remember something…

Was I supposed to write a blog tonight?

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “incorrectly”. No one answered correctly, which only means twice as much winning-explosion next week!

Tonight’s riddle:

Why don’t people spot leopards in Africa?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Thinking Thoughts

with 5 comments

Thoughts are pretty cool, but in the matter of seconds can be very uncool, depending on your brain and training.

Thoughts span a wide range of flavor; from “What’s that smell?” to “What am I going to do with my life?”

Someone once told me that, “Thinking about infidelity is as bad, (or equal to) committing infidelity.” That seems a little much if not totally crazy.

But what I think the “meth-head” meant, was that thoughts can lead down a path to which you may find difficulty returning from.

Much like “granny naked” it’s hard to erase things from your mind once their seed has been planted, (regardless of how many times you hit the bong).

Once you’re cooking a thought, it’s going to be eaten, or at least stink up the kitchen.

It’s easy to become desensitized to insanity if you flirt with it daily. Similarly, the further you let your thoughts wander, the harder it is to come back home.

My thoughts have completely left me and I haven’t seen them since. I drink animal cookies from an empty orange juice carton.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “ajar”. Way to go Scott! You’ve won a nine-piece inflatable furniture set, compliments of “WayToGo Inc.”

Tonight’s riddle:

What’s an eleven-letter word that everyone pronounces incorrectly?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 15, 2010 at 7:22 pm

Smoke ’em If Ya Got ’em

with 6 comments

Every good smoker needs a collection of butts

Cigarettes are like prostitutes; despite the fact that you have to pay to get them it doesn’t take away from the pleasure of the experience. Smoking is like the best way to waste your money and life. You could argue that skydiving or nuclear research would be more note worthy, but then you probably don’t smoke. Being addicted to something that kills you is like saying to the Angel of Death, “Hey man, I don’t care. Haunt me all you want, I’m doing this for you.”

It's always good to have some light reading when smoking

I read in a medical journal the other day that smoking really isn’t that bad for you; it’s horrible. I don’t understand why though…  inhaling carcinogens doesn’t really seem like such a bad method of breathing. I inhale all kinds of toxic things everyday; car exhaust, factory smoke, gas fumes filling up the car, burning plastic, John’s aftershave.

Nothing's more sad than an empty ashtray

Smoking sure is cool. I can’t think of anybody that smokes that isn’t cool, well isn’t cool because they smoke. A lot of people who are terrible and despicable smoke, but not because they smoke. Non-smokers lack that coolness, you know that says, “Hey look, I’m slowly killing myself and I wear a leather jacket.”

She's got a sweet ash!

Sometimes when I’m smoking I think about my daughter visiting my coffin at my funeral. I think about missing her graduation or her wedding or holding my grand kids. Then I think, “Mmmm, that’s good.”

Cigarettes are expensive, but if I didn’t spend the money on cigarettes I’d be smoking twice as much crack and that couldn’t be good.

The thing about smoking, the thing you have to remember, is that respiratory illness is fun. Plus it opens you up to meeting all kinds of potential hot nurses.

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

-Ramble me Rooster-

The answer to last week’s riddle was, “Because if they dropped them, they’d break.” Which is pretty much what everybody said, so everybody wins tickets to the Superbowl!

Tonight’s riddle:

When do you put pickles in door?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 8, 2010 at 3:39 am

I Watch the Weather

with 6 comments

This weekend a wintery storm came roaring into my neighborhood. It gave wonderful presents such as rain, sleet, ice and snow. While driving I noticed a sign that read, “Watch for Ice on Bridge”. So I did just that.

I sat up a folding chair and sat next to the bridge and watched for ice.

The ice came and it did find its way to the bridge. I can’t tell if the bridge iced over before the road or not, ’cause my back was turned to the road, (I was watching the bridge remember?).

After the coming of the ice, the trucks with plows followed. Then there was no ice on the bridge.

I got my can of spray paint and edited the sign. It now reads, “Don’t bother Watching for Ice on Bridge, the trucks take care of it.”

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle was “because they’re too lazy to cook”. Scott and fundamentaljelly rack up hash marks in the win column. Way to go fellas. You win 987 packets of mild sauce from Taco Bell.

Tonight’s riddle:

Why do chickens lay eggs?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 1, 2010 at 5:16 am

Poetry Emotion

with 6 comments

If I were a man, I’d wear a dress

Plucking all the hairs from my perky breasts

If I were a woman, I’d stand to pee

Drink beer, grab ass, screwing all I see

If I were a man, I’d wear lipstick

Spackling my makeup on six inches thick

If I were a woman, I’d scratch myself

Not caring about where or what it was

If I were a man, I’d knit and sew

Never again letting an argument go

If I were a woman, I’d fight for fun

Lose teeth, blacken eyes, discharging my gun

If I were a man, I’d cry all the time

Bubble bath, candles and a bottle of wine

If I were a woman, I’d snort and spit

Refer to men as either Ho or Bitch

But I am neither a woman nor man

Just a Ramblin’ Rooster not a cackling hen

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle was “because pepper makes them sneeze”. With no correct answer the winning pool doubles.

Tonight’s riddle:

Why do lions eat raw meats?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Sidewalk of Penny

with 3 comments

Today I was walking downtown and I saw a shiny penny on the sidewalk. As luck would have it, it was “heads up”. I leaned down to pick it up. As I reached out my thumb fell off. No big deal. I used my first, (pointer) finger and middle finger to pick up my thumb. Just as I got my fingers around my thumb, my pinky fell off. Still, no big deal, I stacked the pinky on my thumb and started to… my ring finger fell off. I went to stack my thumb on the pinky onto the ring finger… dang it! My hand fell off.

Thank goodness I have another arm that still has a hand… my other hand fell off. Talk about frustrating! I thought I could pick up my hands with my wrist stumps, but then my arms fell off. As I stood there wondering what I was going to do my entire view suddenly changed.

My legs came off and I lay on the sidewalk like a fish out of water, except with less flipping and flailing, ’cause I could still breathe.

It’s amazing how many people will step right over you. It’s like no one wants to stop and help a guy when he “goes to pieces”. I think I even heard a woman say, as she went out of her way to walk around me, “disgusting”… like it’s my fault.

Eventually I was able to “pull myself together”. Afterwards, as I was able to stand up again, I noticed the penny still lying on the sidewalk. I contemplated whether or not I should try to pick up the penny. Was it this coin that led me to “lose it” or a mere coincidence? Who am I to play fortune teller?

I reached down and picked up the penny. In my hand I looked at it as it rest in my palm.

Turns out it wasn’t a penny, but instead a smooched M&M.

To hell with it all.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle is “silence”. Congratulations Scott on having the winning answer. You will receive a ten year supply of trash sacks, (a.k.a. plastic grocery bags).

Tonight’s riddle:

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 18, 2010 at 5:45 am

Talkin’ Trash

with 2 comments

Most people like to take things for granted and if they’re not taking them
for granted they’re not giving them any thought.

Trash and trash service I think would rank pretty high on the list of things
most people never give any thought to, whereas I think about trash all the
time.

Where I use to live trash was effortlessly taken away via a container which
I refer to as a polycart, where I live now you set your bags of trash on the
curb naked and revealing to the world, (aka neighbors).

You never consider the message you send to the world, (aka neighbors) with
the contents of your refuge until they can see right through the bag. “Oh
look, David is having troubles with regularity as evident shown by the two
boxes of ‘Fiber Squares’ and empty bottles of ‘Liquid Fiber’ stuffed
in-between the ‘Twinkies’ and ‘Pinwheels'”.

You can think of much more disgusting things to reveal about the “trash on
display”, but I can’t paint every nightmare for you.

What has come to my attention lately is incredible racism, (i.e.
segregation) that exists in the trash world. Crazy am I? Just take a look at
the evidence.

The trash liners that everyone keeps in their home, be it a kitchen liner or
a bathroom liner is white in color. The trash can you use outside or the bag
you use for nasty, big or outdoor yard cleanup is black. No one ever uses
the black bag inside and no one is seen raking leaves into a white trash
bag. Why can’t trash bags live together, why can’t they be interchangeable?
Why can’t we throw our trash into both bags equally? It’s all a big stinky
mess!

The next time you’re buying trash bags, ask for gray bags and help the
neighbors, (aka the world) overcome such a silly and unnecessary prejudice.

Egg On!
Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

Scott came up with one hell of a joke, (even though it was more of a short
story) and Bschooled came up with an even more impressive steal. CLT could
still be a winner, but I have to wait until after my trip to Vegas. So
thanks everybody.

Tonight’s riddle:

What is so fragile that even saying it can break it?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous
make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Local Advertising rocks

with 12 comments

I made a commercial for a friend of mine. I thought I’d share with y’all.

Check it out…

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

The answer to the trivia question is “Only the Shadow knows”. Pete from Westchester wins by a nose.

Tonight is not a riddle, but a challenge. Write me a joke. The punchline is “Red Carpet”, the premise or set up is something about a Russian/communist lesbian. Have fun and let your dirty imagination run wild.

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 4, 2010 at 4:07 am

Christmas Cheer

with 4 comments

There’s a great old cliché that was created to remind us all of our humanity and good will. It is of course “Tis better to give than receive”. Now while you may think that this saying is suppose to discourage greediness, it’s really insight into the fact that giving a crappy gift is better than getting one. This is because the receiver must put on a “happy face” or “fake it” as any good woman will tell you. The giver on the other hand is under no pressure. They can simply watch “the faker” and think to themselves, “I never really liked you anyway.”

Gift giving has always been a gamble and not the fun kind, but like most gambling you can be assured you will lose money.

Kids under nine years old are the easiest to buy for. You can literally walk into any toy store or department blindfolded and pick something. As long as you are gender correct, you win.

Kids between the ages of ten and ten thousand are also easy. Money is a sure bet, the only problem you can encounter is the amount. I say always go with your gut and by gut I mean nobody deserves more than twenty dollars.

Now my mother thinks that giving money is bad. I’ve never understood why. I guess it’s because she thinks it’s not personal enough, or cold. It’s been my experience that giving and receiving money has been a very pleasurable, personable and warm experience. Just ask Candy at ‘Club Grind-On-Me’. By the way they have excellent specials and there’s no cover Christmas day. Take my advice, saying you’re going for egg nog doesn’t work for a six hour excursion to the “club”. So think of something better.

All in all Christmas is a great way to avoid work, spend time with the family and drink excessively without the “stink eye” from loved ones. For some reason saying, “It’s Christmas” gets you out of all irresponsible behavior, like going out for egg nog and coming home six hours later covered in glitter.

“It’s Christmas glitter!”

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle was “Hugs the shore”. Seems like no one really cared to answer. Claire kinda, sorta answered, but sadly this isn’t a game of horseshoes.

Tonight’s riddle:

How much longer will this last?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Employee of the Year

with 4 comments

As you may or may not know, or more appropriately, couldn’t care less, I returned to smoking.

Before you call me names or cut me down citing my weakness, I didn’t return to the cloud because of an addiction to nicotine. No, I returned to meet interesting people who share in the disgusting habit.

Much like men in a locker room who feel open and free to divulge sexual escapades or views of racial discord, smokers feel as though you are “one of them” as thus can speak freely to you as if to say, “You and I are on a level to which I will talk and never stop even if you try to walk away”.

Recently just such an “instant friend” struck up a lighthearted conversation that yielded wonderful and interesting gems like, “We just got bought by some company out of Ireland, which I didn’t think was possible because we’re so big. They must have paid some serious money, ‘cause we’re such a large firm. I can’t even imagine what they must have paid. We’re huge!” I remember this not only for the fact that it was like listening to a robot stuck on a loop, but also because he revisited this “fact” several times during his monologue.

Let us not forget the average cigarette break is five minutes. This man said these lines eleven times. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now I love my company as much as the next guy. OK, that’s not true, but even if I did, where does bragging rights come into play about the size of a company you work for? This guy was definitely not “upper crust”. He was a grunt just like the rest of us. I’ve never encountered someone who wanted to brag about the size of his employer.

I never thought I’d miss nor long for the topic of “threesomes” or “excessive drinking” to rear it’s ugly head. Even a good, “I’m well endowed” would have been acceptable.

So for all you braggarts out there, please try to stick to the classics.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle was “two lips, (tulips)”, hilarious. Those who answered correctly will receive a copy of, “Let Me Do It To You” the unauthorized biography of 1930’s adult film star Halmertz Kippermanstein.

Tonight’s riddle:

How does a boat show affection?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Granny Again

with 8 comments

Helpful hints from my dead grandmother:

There is no ‘B’ is supposedly.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week was “he felt crummy”. As always, Claire pushes down the competition and gloats as she struggles to lift the 900 lbs. trophy over head. The prize? A $20 dollar gift card to ‘Jack in the Box’. That should end any and all feuding.

Tonight’s riddle:

What flower do you always wear?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Best Gift

with 6 comments

Helpful hints from my dead grandmother:

The best gift a man can give is his weakness.

Damn, that’s cold blooded granny!

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer was “a goose”, but since I love all my friends and fans more than anything, (and I like the tree answer) I’m making you all winners. You will all divide the two million dollars evenly amongst yourselves. Claire will be “the bank” to make it fair and make sure no one cheats. You can expect payment as soon as my lotto numbers hit.

Tonight’s riddle:

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Judge

with 20 comments

Helpful hints from my dead grandmother:

 

You can tell a lot about a man by how much time he spends in the bathroom.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

Tonight’s prize was a million dollars and like all lottery/raffle/prize giveaways we wanted to promise a wonderful reward and secretly rig it to make sure no one could win. While you all thought that “Sour Puss” was the obvious and easy answer, the real answer was in fact, “Cat’s don’t drink lemonade”. So sorry, but please come back next week knowing that the prize will be two million dollars and you have twice as much of chance to not win!

 

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What grows down when it grows up?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

32 Ounces Kills

with 12 comments

As a fellow bird, one might think that I know all about birds. This simply isn’t true. In fact it’s quite ignorant. It’s like saying that all black people know each other or all white people like caviar. Just because you belong to a certain group or type doesn’t relieve you from being a total dumbass, (or something philosophical like that).

 

Case in point, I was shocked to find out that if a bird, regardless of their stature, religious significance, or pop culture reference can not handle drinking 32 ounces of liquid. Now I don’t mean they can’t handle it like, “Joe threw up in your backseat. I guess he can’t handle his liquor.” No, I mean can’t handle it like if he/she does they’ll die.

 
That’s a dead bird folks.

 

That’s harsh!

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

A while ago CLT felt angry and threatened to end my life unless I made the riddles easy and not off-the-wall-there’s-no-way-I’ll-ever-guess-that-it’s-not-even-really-a-riddle-man. So last week I dared to defy him and now I’m dead, but oh well…

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Falling down the stairs in a suit of (modern, i.e. cheap) armor, with a twelve pack of beer”.

Everyone who answered wins the opportunity to be a pallbearer at my funeral.

 

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What’s a cat that drinks lemonade?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 23, 2009 at 5:38 am

The Blues

with 24 comments

kregbluz

Why I hate the blues...

I’ve always hated the blues, or at least any blues music produced after 1962. I never liked “slow hand” and if I have to sit through another open jam night at the local cracker-club, listening to “aircraft plant welders by day” and “drunken blues murderers on the weekend” crank out hours or standard, three chord progressions, I’ll never listen to music again.

 

That’s really my biggest problem with the blues, white people. I’m not saying that white people don’t have or face some difficult times in their lives, but they have never experienced anything to sing the blues about. At least not in the way the pioneers of blues did.

 

Perhaps I shouldn’t compare the two. Perhaps I shouldn’t attend “blues night” at the cracker barrel. Perhaps I just hate blues music. Perhaps my mother didn’t love me and I’m frustrated because I can’t grab a guitar and belt out the blues the way the forefathers of the craft did. Perhaps I overuse rhetorical questions.

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “The horse’s name was Friday”. Scott, (and amazingly CLT) nailed it, but Fundamentaljelly’s answer can’t be ignored. Therefore it’s a three-way tie. The lucky winners receive twelve day passes to the ‘Honkey Blues Festival’ in lovely Fayetteville, Arkansas.

 

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What’s glass, brass and kicks your ass?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Lucky Shoes Can’t Park Car

with 22 comments

LUCKY SHOES CAN’T PARK CAR – posted 11-08-09

We’ve all driven down the road or highway and seen the occasional shoe lying on the shoulder. You might have wondered, “How did that shoe get there”, or “does Kimmy really love me”? It’s not very often that you get to see two shoes left behind…

Is there anything more gross than used shoes

 shoes tight

 

…especially so neatly arranged. It’s like the shoes wanted me to take their picture. Who am I to deny the power of the shoes?

 

As you know driving a car is really hard. There are all these other cars on the road driving around like crazies. The most difficult part of driving is of course parking. You know what grandma use to say, “The bigger the car, the bigger the problem”.

 bad parking

My guess is that the person in the Honda didn’t want to leave anytime soon.

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Fish and Ships”, but I agree with Scott, CLT’s answer was pretty good, so CLT wins and so does Scott for telling me CLT was good at innuendo. Please enjoy, (and share) a slightly used pair of black shoes. I’ll let you guys figure out who gets left and who gets right.

 

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays the weekend and rides out on Friday. How is this possible?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

A Sign

with 14 comments

As you all may or may not know I have no idea what to do with my life. I’m constantly thinking that this is “temporary” or “I’ll get to it” or “I’d like to that right after I find my list of nine million other things I thought I wanted to do”.

 

And with “keeping the faith” of being directionally challenged, morally confused and ignorant to opportunity I like to believe the “spirit world” will guide me and take care of all my decisions for me, (like taking a crossbow bolt in the mid-thigh. Thanks spirit world!).

 

So I’m always looking for a sign, an easy avenue, a no-brainer to take me to the nirvana I’ve sought my whole life. I always believed it’d be in the form of a ghost, flash of celestial light, happenstance or something so powerful that it would make my legs weak and I would fall to the ground crying and singing in tongue, (like taking a crossbow bolt in the mid-thigh. Thanks spirit world!).

 

Little did I know that the sign that would come would actually be a sign, a cardboard sign written in black, permanent marker to be more exact. A sign reading, “Opportunities in Real Estate” followed by a number. How could it be anymore clear?

 

Here I am driving home from work, drifting off in thoughts of violently and sexually assaulting my boss with splintering broom handles and as I take the off ramp from the highway I see this sign…

 

I don’t have to tell you that any hand made sign on the side of the highway off ramp is not only genius, but immediately trustworthy. It’s handcrafted and that means the person cared.

 

I called up the number and left my credit card number on the message machine. I’m very excited to find out what happens next. I’ll let you know and keep your fingers crossed.

 

Isn’t this exciting?

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do sea monsters eat?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Quickie

with 8 comments

 

This is going seem far out, but I’ve just been shot in the leg with a crossbow bolt and I need to go lay down for a minute… or is it “walk it off”?

I’ll have to return tomorrow to throw down with y’all.

I know some of you, (Scott) are dying for the riddle answer, and I couldn’t leave my faithful friends hanging, so here it is…

Antarctica!

Go ahead and hit the bar, start a tab and I’ll pay when I get there, (after I get this bolt out of my leg).

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

This is going seem far out, but I’ve just been shot in the leg with a crossbow bolt and I need to go lay down for a minute… or is it “walk it off”?

I’ll have to return tomorrow to throw down with y’all.

I know some of you, (Scott) are dying for the riddle answer, and I couldn’t leave my faithful friends hanging, so here it is…

Antarctica!

Go ahead and hit the bar, start a tab and I’ll pay when I get there, (after I get this bolt out of my leg).

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 2, 2009 at 5:05 am

Lawn Chair Basketball

with 18 comments

This weekend I went to visit my “career alcoholic” best friend. The thing I love most about hanging out with drunken people is their ability to say, “Yes” to anything you ask them with no hesitation or thought process at all.

 

Here’s an example, “Hey, can we take your lawn chairs and play basketball with them?” “Uheeesss…” “Is that a yes?” “Uhesssss”.

 LCBB02

 

Game on!

 

 

 

 

Sadly the game ended in a one to one tie. All the chairs were broken before a winner could be decided.

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Parked Cars”

The winner is Clott Lion Ogltameins. Please enjoy your prize, which this week is a sack of jelly beans that I found in the garage at my “career alcoholic’s” house.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What is the largest ant in the world?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Taking It All In

with 24 comments

Please note this is not a review of the 1997 adult film.

 

This week I was driving around the outskirts of my hometown. All of a sudden I blew a tire out on my car. Whoa, talk about scary! I was driving with my knee trying to roll a doobie while reaching into the back seat to get another beer, so it was kind of hard to keep control of the vehicle.

 

I got out and surveyed the tire. I went to the trunk to get the spare when I realized that I had removed the spare in order to make room for my custom woofer-box that pumps 440,000 watts through 118 speakers. Yes, it is worth it even in this unfortunate incident. [Note to self: put spare tire in back seat.]

 

Oh well, I thought. I’ll just hoof it to the nearest gas station and call a tow truck. This thought came after the realization that I had placed my cell phone on the roof of the car when I left the strip club to pick my mom up for her doctor’s appointment. [Note to self: replace cell phone.]

 

Not knowing where a gas station is, because my car runs on banana peels and soles from Chuck Taylor’s, I started off in a random direction, which lead me to a giant hill.

 

After climbing the six foot, three strand barb wire fence, clearly marked, “Do Not Enter”, I climbed to the top of this great peak. Once atop the mountain I saw a great valley filled with seagulls. Which I thought was very interesting since I live 22,000 miles from any body of water.

 

What was even more interesting was the large dump truck looking vehicles and bulldozers. My guess is that they were preparing the grounds of what I believed to be some kind of Midwest seagull sanctuary.

 

It really looked like their work was cut out for them too, because the ground was covered in plastic and refuse. I thought this was an odd place for a bird sanctuary, but the seagulls certainly didn’t mind. They appeared to be in hog heaven. They didn’t even seem to be afraid of the bulldozers.

 

I sat down on the top of the hill and just breathed in the wonderment of man and nature blending together so well, so harmonious, so loving. It really is a wonderful world we live in.

 

If you would like to donate to the Midwest seagull sanctuary, please send your check or money order to the Walcomb county waste management department. [Note to self: Write letter asking why they’d call the bird sanctuary a land fill.]

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Anything you want, he can’t hear you with fingers in his ears”. What’s with all the booing?

As always, everyone’s a winner because I enjoy your response so much. Enjoy another week of peanut butter covered orgy fun in Costa Rica on me!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do lazy dogs chase?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Farewell Sweet Nothings

with 38 comments

The other day I was installing a sky light in my darkroom and I started thinking about sweet nothings. What I thought was, “What the hell is a sweet nothing?” I imagine they’re something like:

 

“My heart forever together loving touches precious.”

 

OR

 

“Lovely silk caress hair flowing skin bright eyes heat.”

 

I mean really what bigger oxymoron is there than “sweet nothing”, why do they exist and who wants them?

 

After I installed my retractable awning in my living room I received a call from my neighbor to ask me to stop mowing my shag carpet so late at night. After a heated conversation I hung up. After I use my phone I always wipe clean the screen. I’ve noticed a lot of people wiping their phones when their done, since most all phones have a rather large screen as their face plate.

 

I looked at me phone before I wiped it clean and took notice of how greasy it was. Is my ear that greasy I thought? What does my ear do to get so dirty? So I decided to do a little experiment.

 

I cut off a sliver of my ear and threw it in a frying pan. Sure enough no food I fired stuck to my skillet. On a negative note all of my dinner guests died with clogged arteries.

 

My point in all of this is that I will no longer nibble, lick, bite, kiss and whisper in anyone’s ear ever again since I now know that ears are the dirtiest, greasiest things in the world.

 

Thanks cell phone world for educating me in the filthiness of the ear and ruining all the sweet nothings I could have hoped to share with the world. “World butt massage rubbing thigh lips down hole.” Know what I’m saying? Me neither.

 

Throw another ear in the frying pan, I need some comfort sausages.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Towel”, too easy, huh?

Claire didn’t even log in a guess, what the hell?!?! The prize goes to Scott for his correct answer. The prize? A year’s supply of Jif peanut butter and two tickets to Costa Rica, (on the condition that he has to take CLT for his amazing wrong, but so right answer. That’s what happens when Claire doesn’t play). Wait Claire just chimed in, not with a correct answer, but since she is the reigning champ I’m throwing in a third ticket. Have fun with that peanut butter!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do you call a homeless man with a finger in each ear?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Satan Alive at the Gassy Sip

with 20 comments

I’ve never been one to play religion, nor have I ever worried where my soul was going to magically transcend to after I got hit by a bus. Things were all fine and well until I innocently waltz into a ‘Gassy Sip’ thinking I was there for concession.

 

After making a delicious, refreshing and moderately priced, custom flavored 32 ounce beverage I went to the counter to pay. “Can I get a pack of Tar Picks” I asked. Why not, cigarettes go great with soda pop.

 

“That’ll be $6.66” the eleven year old clerk told me. I did a spit take, (except I had no liquid in my mouth which really killed the effect). It was then I noticed his eyes. They were glowing red and smoke came from his nostrils, like the bull from ‘Looney Tunes’.

 

I’ll admit I was more than a little freaked out, but two cigarettes later, I had forgotten the whole thing like a girl’s name whom was nice enough to let you “violate her” in the men’s room.

 

Thing of it is, six weeks have passed and I’ve been compelled to do evil. I’ve stopped picking up my paper wad mini-basketballs that miss the trash can. I drop my aluminum can in the “Plastic Only” containers. I spit off of buildings onto busy streets. I’ve stopped tipping. I’ve sent several subscriptions of ‘PlayGirl’ to my dad and a whole lot of other bad, bad, bad stuff.

 

Since then I’ve been frequenting the ‘Gassy Sip’ trying to buy things that will equal $7.77, but I can’t seem to make it happen no matter how hard I try. I just know that if I find God in the receipt, like I picked up Satan, the curse will be broken and I can go back to being an average evil person, (on occasion).

 

Please offer up any solutions you might have.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Because it was necessary for climatic ending”, (no just kidding, it was “Because he wouldn’t fit in the elevator”).

Claire wins of course, but since everyone’s answers were so funny and fun I’m taking everyone to ‘Gassy Sip’ for corndogs and energy drinks.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What gets wetter the more it dries?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

October 5, 2009 at 4:26 am

I Hate You, but Please Don’t Hate Me Back

with 14 comments

Humans, they’re weird and by weird, I mean they don’t make sense. The ego is not a hidden beast waiting in the shadows to pounce on your subconscious while you sleep. It is the scream of the wild, the elusive desire to kill, the wish of power that rings in your ears as you taste blood. What?

 

Make no mistake; in this life we’ve all had a fair amount of relationships. Be them platonic, be them romantic or be them somewhere in between leaving each person confused and slightly damaged.

 

I have had people come and go quite a bit in my life. (Is it me?) I have never had a reservation letting someone know that I didn’t/don’t like them. I’ve never felt bad for not liking someone or thinking badly or lowly of them. I’ve never thought it was wrong to dislike another person. “You can’t please all the people all the time and not everyone responds the same way to verbal violence.”

 

Now, when the news comes to me that someone whom I liked or revered as a friend utters words of discontent or rather strong language like, “You’re corrosive to life” or “The putrescence and squalor is revolting and poisoning” or “When I said I’ll see you later I meant like five, ten, fifteen years later… maybe never.” It hurts.

 

I want to feel free to hate whomever I choose, but be loved by all. Is that really too much to ask? It’s not like I want to be president or something.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “One Cent”

CLT mentioned scent, but locked in with Cheetah, which spelled backwards is Hateehc, translated from Blovokian means, “the green smell” which is close enough. Congratulations CLT, you win a life supply of ‘Handy Bags’.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

Why did King Kong climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Tell A Lot

with 14 comments

Fingers are amazing. Apparently they’re the only thing that separates us from amoeba. I like fingers ‘cause they’re so expressive. People can hold entire conversations with them, (which unfortunately doesn’t stop them from also talking). Fingers help us break through the language barrier. There are so many international signs and symbols that everyone understands, (except for those too uncivilized to understand and they are excused. Example: If you wear a loin cloth I don’t expect you to “call me” when I do the “finger phone” to my ear).

You can really tell a lot about a person by their finger gestures. I always judge men on how manly they are by one single hand gesture, being the finger “gun”.

 

If a guy does the “gun” symbol with his hand and only extends his first finger you can immediate assume the following, He is:

 

Gay

Afraid of spiders

Won’t help you change the brakes on your ’84 Ford F-150

Cheats on his taxes

Someone who will borrow your weed wacker and won’t return it until you go over and ask for it back

 

Now if a guy uses his first and middle finger, you can assume the following, He is:

 

Gay

Afraid of little dogs that bark incessantly

Overcompensating

Wears leather pants on the weekend

Has never tasted, yet claims to love sushi

 

Don’t forget, if either of the finger “gun” wielders actually pulls the “thumb” trigger, this is an act of aggression and affords you the right to immediate start kicking his ass. IF they make a gun sound such as bang, boom, kapow, etc. you can kill him in self-defense.

 

If a woman gives you the finger “gun”, make no mistake, she has a penis.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Holes”

Claire is the only one who answered, except for CLT who is a week behind, (which is actually genius for always being right) so even though her answer was wrong is was witty, so chalk up another win for Claire.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

How much is a skunk worth?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Custom Coffins

with 14 comments

The other day I heard a commercial for customizing your coffin. You can get custom printed liners or go with existing logos, like the Yankees’ or the Raiders emblems. (I don’t know about College teams, so please stop calling me.) It took a moment for it to all sink in. I think it was three or four commercials past before I literally asked the Holy Ghost, WTF?

 

I couldn’t agree more with Al Czervik more when he said, “Two biggest wastes of real estate, golf courses and cemeteries.” I can’t think of anything more self serving and egocentric than a grave. Now add $50k for services and you’ve made it criminal.

 

I remember when my brother died; we burned him and threw the ashes in his wife’s face. I think my dad might have whispered, “sorry” or something.

 

Why does everyone have to customize everything they own? I walked by a subordinates computer last week and the command line was bright, neon-green for fvck sakes!

 

Having special hubcaps on your car doesn’t make you unique. Changing factory settings on your phone doesn’t make you special. Rearranging the icons on your iPod doesn’t make you an individual.

 

Don’t forget, “Everyone’s special in their own way”. Whatever!

 

If I was an undertaker, and I got a die-hard, (literally) Yankees’ fan asking for a Yankees’ themed casket, I’d cover it in Red Sox memorabilia.

 

What can I say, I’m a people person.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Cheetah”

Claire actually gave the answer in her response, (exactly ten words before typing “I give up”. Well, I don’t believe in quitting, so Claire, good news, you have your trophy back.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What can you put in a box that makes it lighter?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

September 14, 2009 at 4:21 am

Labor Day Passout

with 18 comments

Happy Labor Day! I’m not sure what Labor Day is about or what the proper words are to express the honor, which is displayed in the form of joy that we all share in not working on Monday, (except those working on construction projects and the majority of those in retail sales).

 

Is Labor Day synonymous with drinking? I have several friends that would tell me yes, but then again they’d say that drinking is synonymous with the sun coming up. So what’s that tell you?

 

This weekend I hung out with some of those old friends of mine. When I say old friends, I mean the kind that are so old that when you’re together you do nothing more than remind each other of all the ridiculous and crazy stuff you have on each other, ‘cause you can’t possibly remember yourself. For some reason drinking stories always seem to surface and be the most in abundance.

 

I’m not a drinker. I’m what alcoholics call “sober” or what teenagers call “a pussy”. I don’t have medical evidence to back it up, but I’m fairly certain that I have an allergy to alcohol, because most of the time when I consume it, it comes back up.

 

There are a lot of wonderful stories starring yours truly, a lot of passing out in the neighbor’s lawn, on the porch, in closets, in the trunk of my own car, etc. As such, there are also a lot of disgusting stories with me having the major role in “Vomit Gone Wild”. Some examples would be vomiting in bed, in cars, on my shoes, on other people and in the punch bowl and grandma’s 87th birthday party. They’re all wonderful, but there was one story that seemed to sparkle just a little brighter than the rest.

 

I was told of the time that I was drinking at a friend’s tiny apartment. When I say tiny, I’m talking 100 square feet tiny. The bathroom door opened inwards to an incredibly small bathroom. So small in fact that the door didn’t even fully open as it was stopped by the sink cabinet.

 

Apparently, as the story goes, we were all sitting around drinking on Labor Day Eve, celebrating the fact we didn’t have to get up early and once again I consumed passed my limit. I got up and went into the bathroom to spend a little quality time with the toilet. After purging the demons from my body I got up to leave and passed out. My friends, whom I sure were extremely concerned, came to the bathroom to investigate the “thump”. When they tried to open the door they were unsuccessful as I had managed to lose consciousness between the door and the sink. No matter how hard they tried to open the door they couldn’t because of my pesky breathing corpse being the world’s largest door stop.

 

At first it was rather funny to them all, until the urge to urinate became prevalent. After trying to revive me by ramming and kicking the door, screaming at me and squeezing a hand through and shooting me with a water gun, they gave up and took turns peeing in the kitchen sink for the remainder of the evening. Not too shabby.

 

Do you have a better story than that? Let’s hear it and all laugh.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “At lunch it goes back for seconds”

No one guessed, so I’ll be taking myself to the bar for drinks.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What animal should you never play cards with?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Awkward Moments

with 12 comments

In today’s world, awkward has really lost its power. There use to be a time when awkward made people want to kill themselves. These days awkward is used to sum up or describe the most mundane of experiences.

 

“So I was asked him if he liked Duran Duran and he never answered. Talk about awkward.” “I say Carlita at the mall buying a ‘Thigh Master’. It was really awkward.” I’m sorry to inform you, it’s not awkward, it’s silliness.

 

Here’s an example of awkwardness:

 

Say what you will about the testament of marriage, nothing can stop a wife from becoming despondent after walking in on you having an “intimate moment” with a vacuum.

 

You can try clever and witty defense maneuvers like:

 

“What time is it? I thought the thing ended at eight.”

 

“Ha, ha, pretty funny, huh?”

 

“You always said you wanted me to clean around the house.”

 

“These attachments really do make all the difference.”

 

“How can this be dirty?”

 

“Look at the bright side, at least your sister’s not here this time.”

 

Come on, you can’t tell me that the inventor of the vacuum didn’t try it at least once. I for one believe that it was it’s first intention.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Age”

Congratulations to Anjali for the correct answer. You win Claire Collins championship trophy, because let’s face it; she’s had it long enough.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

Why does the cafeteria clock always run slowly?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Action Figure

with 10 comments

I don’t know when the last time you picked up an action figure was, but it’s astounding. They have more moving parts than I do. The points of articulation range in the upper teens to the mid thirties. It’s like some kind of miniature man genius is locked up in a laboratory/factory making God-like, plastic encased, history.

 

Quick fact sheet about Action figures:

 

Action figures are not sold or marketed for children.

 

Action figures can be valued in the hundreds to even thousands of dollars.

 

Action figures aren’t meant to be played with.

 

People who collect action figures make geeks and nerds look “sporting” “suave” and “devilishly attractive”.

 

Action figure is a pathetic attempt to make “doll” seem masculine, i.e. there is no “action” in an action figure.

 

Toys are amazing molds of plastic. They give children something to loose, break and leave out in the middle of a heavy trafficked, barefoot, walkway. When I was a kid, most action figures were paraplegics. I didn’t care, it was my imagination that made them move, not their remarkable engineering.

 

I can’t believe Transformers have made a comeback. This is the worst action figure, (to play with) ever. Don’t get me wrong, the “transforming” part is cool, but once it was done there wasn’t much you could do with it. They were about as durable as a paper plate. To quote Tom Hanks’ character from ‘Big’, “and this is robot that turns into a building. What’s fun about playing with a building?”

 

The other day I was walking through the toy aisle and I say a sign reading, “Creative Play”. On the shelf was ninja gear, cowboy gear and more guns than the South Central evidence room. Good to know that creative is synonymous with assassination and “shoot ‘em up”. “Look at little Jimmy pretending to slice off Billy’s head. They’re so creative, aren’t they?”

 

To be honest, this is all in preparation for the launching of my own Ramblin’ Rooster action figure. I’m still trying to decide if I want the jelly bean, rear exit hatch feature to be incorporated.

 

Now you tell me, if you were going to be an action figure, what accessories or features would you have?

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Fruit Fly”

No one got the right answer, which is too bad, because this week’s prize was a brand new Mercedes E Class, (2010). Oh well…

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What goes up, but never comes down?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Guest Towels

with 16 comments

In keeping with the germaphob, (because I still refuse to call it Spermatophobia) theme from last week, tonight is about visiting someone’s house, more particularly using the bathroom at someone’s house.

 

I like to use the bathroom when the urge presents itself. I’m not the kind of person that likes it buckle over in pain because I’d rather hold things inside rather than share them with a strange toilet. Call me crazy… CRAZY! Stop it.

 

Before you get excited or disgusted, this post isn’t about the actual happenings of using the bathroom, the sights, smells, sounds or a wild, Hollywood romantic-comedy subplot about overflowing toilets and nightmarish mishaps. This blog takes place after all is said and done.

 

Guest towels! Washing your hands is a must after using the bathroom, whether you work in the food industry or not, (i.e. it’s not just for employees anymore). I like to wash my hands thirty-eight times a day. Call me crazy… CRAZY! I said stop that.

 

The problem I have is when I finish washing my hands. There are several problems that occur.

 

  1. There is no hand towel – (the most obvious problem, yet in the end the most easy to deal with. I use my armpits as a towel or style my hair. Sometimes I rub my face and the back of my neck. The guest thinks I was sweating and wonders what I was doing in there. Gives them something to talk about after I leave.)
  2. There is no hand towel, but there is a bath towel hanging equally spaced between the shower and the sink – (this is difficult to gauge. Depending on where you are, the owner may not believe in “hand towels” thus this giant bath towel could in fact be the hand towel. Then again, if it is a bath towel the thought of drying your newly cleaned hands where Frank dried his ass is more than just a little disturbing. Go with option #1.)
  3. A hand towel is present, but it’s crusty, or stained, or has dried toothpaste on it, or it smells of mildew, nachos and cigar smoke – (nothing is worse than a brown hand towel, especially if the towel’s natural color isn’t brown. The safest bet on any hanging hand towel is to gently blot dry at the top of the towel, along the fold where it hangs from the ring or bar. Most people dry using the front or back of the hanging towel thus leaving the top virtually clean.)

 

Best bet is to always carry your own hand towel wherever you go. If you think this behavior is too weird or will make you standout in the crowd you can do what I do and buy an entire wardrobe of bowling clothes. This way you can seem like an avid sportsman who’s always coming over after a tournament game.

 

Carrying a bag with an actual bowling ball is optional. It’s up to you how far you want to take it.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “All months have 28 days”

Congratulations to Claire (riddle champion-hat-tricker) for the correct answer with honorary victories going to Capitalist Lion Tamer and Scott for answers bearing humorous motive. This week’s prize is a $10 TGIF gift card, (in honor of Scott’s favorite restaurant). CLT and Scott can sit with Claire and watch her eat dessert. Have fun!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do you call a zipper on a banana?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Laundromats Not Laundry Mats

with 34 comments

This week the dryer went on the fritz. I was going to fix it, but then I flashed to every “do it yourself” themed nightmare Capitalist Lion Tamer has posted and I was afraid. (excerpts-from-the-timelife-books-amateur-handyman-series-vol-2) Yes afraid of dying or at the very least catching fire. So what is a family of five to do, go naked? No, no, something much worse, a trip to the Laundromat.

 

I don’t know who invented the Laundromat, but they mus… what’s that? J.F. Cantrell? Who’s that? Oh… OK. Well, J.F. Cantrell must have been one sick puppy.

 

In my early years, (like about a week ago) I was known as somewhat of a “germaphob”. What’s that? Spermatophobia or Spermophobia? What are you talking about? What do you mean that’s the technical term for “germaphobia”? It sounds so disgusting? What’s the term for being afraid of hearing Spermatophobia?

 

Anyway, a Laundromat is by far the most disgusting thing living today in our culture. To me a public washing machine is like taking all the used hotel room sheets, diapers, tampons, toilet paper, tissues, condoms and trash can liners in the world and making soup. Now, just add your clothes to marinate.

 

You can argue that there’s soap in there, but if you were to come to my house I’m sure you’d be less than enthusiastic about taking the soap from my shower and rubbing in on your face. Soap is neither an antibody nor a cure for any disease. You don’t cure yourself of hepatitis by “washing it off”. Believe me, I’ve tried.

 

Let’s say you are of the personality type that grinding the pubic skin cells of the general public into every textile you own doesn’t bother you. There are other nightmares waiting for you.

 

Once you’ve got your “load in” you’re now faced to deal with “ideal time”. Most of us can’t handle the strain of ideal time sitting in the comfort of our home, let alone stuck in a building with strangers and a mountain of quarters.

 

Add some small children crying, screaming and running. Throw in an old man hacking and coughing in the corner blazing up a good quarter cigar under the prominent “Thank you for not smoking” sign. Don’t forget that no trip to the Laundromat would be complete without the joy of being subjected to a couples “personal conversation” regardless of how high you turn the volume up on your mp3 player. Some things you can’t push out of your mind like, “I got super drunk and had sex with my step dad.”

 

If I ever lead an army to destroy civilization, stay clear of Laundromats. They’re first on my list.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was Edam, (too easy, hope you’re lovin’ this CLT).

Congratulations to justsomebloke, Claire, and Capitalist Lion Tamer. Scott figured it out, but never actually typed the answer. You all get to split the $10 Applebee’s gift card that was the grand prize, (I’d suggest inviting Scott so he doesn’t get sore).

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What month has twenty-eight days?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Bugs Need to Talk With Birds

with 20 comments

I just got off the road from a long highway travel via my automobile. I was driving along the back roads of America, the ol’ two lane highway, or as my grandpa use to call them, the “Chicken Expressway”. We use to think that was pretty funny, until the accident.

 

When I pulled up in the driveway and got out to walk inside the house I noticed the flying insect massacre or abstract bug-gut painting on the front of my car. Now it’s not that I don’t appreciate modern art, but this was a little too much. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been as annoyed by this mass act of suicide had I not spent the weekend before meticulously scrubbing the grill of my car with my brother-in-law’s toothbrush.

 

It’s gettin’ to be where I almost don’t want to drive my car anymore, as though something always wants to “spread” itself over the front of my car. Unfortunately it’s never a Swedish, biker, model, Greek goddess of amorous pleasure. Although I’d bet her guts would be the harder to wash off.

 

This is what I want, for the birds of the world to sit down with the insects of the world and have “a talk”. Here are the topics I’d like them to go over.

 

1-     Birds to Bugs: If you fly in the 10’ to 15’ (or higher) airspace above the ground you can avoid being killed by the giant metal beasts moving at alarming speeds.

2-     Bugs to Birds: Take your waste product to a place that no one will know where it went. On the hood, across the windshield and especially on door handles is unacceptable and on a shoulder could yield “poisonous seed”.

3-     Birds to Bugs: Stay away from hairless ape’s ears and food. That’s a good way to get killed.

4-     Bugs to Birds: If you continue to rely on “feeders”, trash cans and old people in the park you won’t be able to sustain life after the “white flash” that claims the hairless apes of the world.

 

There could be other discussions, perhaps a short Q and A and of course refreshments. It doesn’t have to be as stuffy or rigid as I’ve made it out to be. It could be a good time had for all.

 

I just think it would help us all out if the “flying things” of the world got it a little more together.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was of course a library, (I know too easy).

Congratulations to Claire, Scott and Fundamentaljelly for being so smart and crafty.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Ask Me Later

with 18 comments

I just now came up with this theory: The only difference between being a child and being an adult, (besides all that physical stuff) is taste. Taste in everything from food to clothes plus anything in between. I loved cottage cheese as a kid. I haven’t eaten it almost twenty years. It seems like the things we like and the things we dislike, (or vice versa) flip-flop as we stumble threw the years.

 

One thing I’ve flip-flopped on is, “Ask Me Later”. Every computer I use, whether it’s at work or at home has some program that wants me to do something. Regardless of the severity of the decision it always gives me the option of “Ask Me Later”.

 

I know there’s a box to check that says, “Do ask me this again gosh dang it, how dare you to bother me with this dribble!” but I’ve never been decisive enough to make such a permanent choice.

 

At first I found this “Ask Me Later” to be very annoying, borderline comical even, a game that me and the computer would play. It would ask me to do something and I would blow it off, like the man who’s been engaged for two and half years. “Yeah, I’ll get around to it, just not now. Ask me later, OK?” Yeah right.

 

Then it started to grow on me. “Ask Me Later” isn’t just an annoying pop-up; it’s a way of life and one that needed to be thought of as the answer to all things difficult.

 

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Ask me later.”

“Do you want to go visit my parents this year for Thanksgiving?”

“Ask me later.”

“Did you take the last piece of cake that I was saving for when I got done with my double shift?”

“Ask me later.”

“Do you ever wish you were still with (insert name of ex-lover)?”

“Ask me later.”

“Who did you vote for?”

“Ask me later.”

“Are you wearing a condom?”

“Ask me later.”

 

You get the point. The usage is unlimited. You can avoid everything in life with this simple and easy to understand phrase. No longer will you ever have to commit to anything. Sure, you may think you have a nifty way of avoiding things with the old “can’t hear you over the water running” or “we must have a bad connection, you’re breaking up”, but the truth is they don’t hold a candle to, “Ask Me Later”.

 

“Why is this” you ask? The answer is simple. “Ask Me Later” is so ambiguous that it doesn’t lend itself to being a disappointment. It’s not a yes and it’s not a no. It’s completely benign, innocent and discourages debate.

 

If someone tries to get smart with you throwing out snappy comebacks like, “When later” or “You always say later” just repeat as necessary. They’ll give up long before you get tired of saying, “Ask me later”.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

 

Riddle Me Rooster:

 

What building has the most stories?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

July 27, 2009 at 3:26 am

At The Awards Ceremony – The Return of the Roost

with 22 comments

“Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in.”

 

“I can’t quit you babe, but I’m gonna half to put you down for a little while.”

 

And the award for most pathetic attempt to walk away from a blog goes to…

 

(drum roll)

 

Ramblin’ Rooster!

 

Thank you, thank you, what can I say? I’ve trained hard for this my whole life. It started with high school and then that job at Burger Hut and now my blog. What can I say, I like to quit, and I’m a quitter.

 

(INTERLUDE)

Ramblin’ Rooster is fast asleep in his nest, when sudden a blue fairy appears.

 

Blue Fairy: Ramblin’… oh Ramblin’… Ramblin’! Hey, wake up!!!

Ramblin’: What? Who is it?

Blue Fairy: It is I, your Blue Fairy.

Ramblin’: Blue Fairy? WTF?

Blue Fairy: What your dirty mouth or you’ll lose your beak.

Ramblin’: Sorry.

Blue Fairy: Oh Ramblin’ don’t quit your blog. Look how sad you made those four people. You need to find the courage and go see the Wizard of Oz. and then you’ll be…

Ramblin’: Hold up a minute there Fairy, I think you’re crossing your stories there.

Blue Fairy: Well then, as Pink says, the show must go on.

(END INTERLUDE)

 

Hi, I’m Ramblin’ Rooster and I quit my blog. Then a couple of my cohorts said, “You suck!” Well, that really touched a nerve and once I had it removed I decided that I should be there for my adoring fans.

 

SO, I’ve decided to give it the ol’ Farmer Brown heave-ho.

 

I hope you’ll join me every Sunday night for my new weekly blog.

 

Same ol’ Rooster, totally different time.

 

Egg ON!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Goodbye, So Long, Farewell

with 16 comments

Last night I was eating watermelon and lying under the picnic table watching the television that I mounted under there so I could lay under the picnic table and eat watermelon. A commercial came on telling me how much money I could get for simply sending them my unwanted gold, “Watches, chains, rings, broken jewelry and dental scrapes.”

 

This commercial really toyed with my emotions. I felt pulled in two completely different directions.

 

One – I’ve been smacking around the elderly for years to get their dental scrapes. Now, finally I have a way to get money for what I just kept in a jar on my mantle. People would come by the roost and say, “Wow, what’s this?” To which I’d happily reply, “That’s a jar full of dental scrap that I’ve been collecting over the years. You remember Mrs. Isley down the street? That’s her back molar right there.”

 

Two – My heart started to hurt. I know people talk about the grass being greener on the other side and how it’s bad to always want what you haven’t got, but seriously, somewhere out there is a woman with a solid gold mouth. I for one want her!

 

I’m not kidding, what is dental scrap?

 

Tonight was my 300th blog. Whoopee! It seemed like a good place to stop.

 

I want to thank all the wonderful people that stopped by and chatted with me, who left awesome comments and/or their point of view. I enjoyed reading your blogs as well and I am truly grateful to have been added to someone’s blogroll. It’s soooo 2000, but making it on someone’s blogroll is like winning a mini-Oscar, (more like a Tony) but it’s still awesome.

 

Everyone who was a regular and was constantly witty and incorrigible has made a permanent impression in my life. I had a wonderful time!

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for EVERYTHING!

 

I will come and visit again, (OK Claire?).

 

Egg Off,

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

THE END?

What I Learned Along The Way

with 26 comments

I once said the quickest way to destroy the feeling of being original and creative is to try and register a domain name. Bluebear.com – taken! ieatvomitalldaylong.com – taken! Stickknivesinmyanus.com – taken! Ffrt756sdexc.com – taken? It’s no joke, there’s nothing left.

 

I won’t lie to you. I’ve spent a lot of time alone on the farm. Spending my days wandering the pasture and raising havoc in the hen house, taunting the bulls and shootin’ the shit with the pigs, (both literally and metaphorically) I’ve wasted a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing. You know you’ve hit bottom when you actually hug a tree.

 

Isolation does one of two things. Makes you crazy or makes you delusional. When you spend most of time bouncing ideas off the back of your skull, you start to think of things in ways that don’t necessarily make sense to anyone but you. You forget that a cynical attitude can be nothing more than a defensive mechanism to fend off the idea that there actually is a great big wide world out there and not all of them want to stab you with a fork.

 

I have absolutely been amazed by the talent that swarms around the internet. Before I started all this I didn’t even know what a blog was. From what little information I had about it, I formed the idea it was nothing more than people blowing off steam or spouting off nonsense about their “mother-in-law that won’t get the hint”. You know, like a cross country Greyhound trip, information forced upon you that made suicide seem fun and exciting.

 

Truth be told, I’ve really enjoyed reading the blogs and comments of those who have chosen to share and those whose talent has captured my fancy. I never thought my contempt for humanity and their futile, pointless and unimaginative points of view would actually be something I found myself caught up in reading and following. Looking forward to reading something on the internet to me would be like Alan asking out Carlita, or Scott living in America, or CLT not rocking out, or pochp lost behind a computer, or fundamentaljelly without a camera, or Claire making it through the day without drinking a fifth of whiskey… in other words, something that could never happen.

 

What a pleasant surprise.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

The Prelude

with 35 comments

Today I saw a man that had a Bluetooh clip in his left ear and his cell phone up to his right ear. In retrospect, I guess it would have been even more awesome if he was holding the phone over his Star Trek communicator, but oh well. Anyway, I thought, “Man, this guy must be really busy. I bet that phone call must be really important if he took out his phone to talk.” Then he said, “Oh honey, don’t cry. Wal-Mart’s cheap but that doesn’t mean they have the lowest price.” That’s when I shot him.

 

FYI – Friday will mark the final installment of ‘Ramblin’ Rooster’. I’ve gotten called up to the big time and won’t have the scheduling needed to keep this blog going. OK, that’s a lie. I didn’t get any calls, but my blogging has run its course and it’s time for me to exit stage left.

 

Sadly, (for only Scott I suppose) there will be no ‘Riddle Me Rooster’ on Friday, since obviously the answer would never come on Monday.

 

This blog is not however my final goodbye, but more of way to let you know what’s going on, if by chance you wanted to say your farewells and have me answer them.

 

The site will still be “up” and I invite you to browse around and read one of my many blogs that got only one view, (unless of course you were that one viewer, then you’d probably be done with me).

 

I’m sure my farewell blog will contain many thank yous and goodbyes, filled with cyber tears and internet lumps in the throat, but just in case you never come back after this…

 

Thanks for everything!

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Delete My Perfect Worthless Picture

with 14 comments

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately hanging out over at the fundamentaljelly site looking at his pictures. (http://fundamentaljelly.com/ as if you didn’t know). It seems like there’s been some kind of birth of inspiration for photography sweeping WordPress lately.

 

I loved photography in my youth. I still remember the first day of class and everyone had to stand up and state why they wanted to learn photography. When it was my turn, I stood up and said, “I want to be a Playboy photographer”. It got some laughs and truth be told I wasn’t serious, even though I’d take that gig in a heartbeat.

 

Once school ended so did my photography stint. I’m not sore about it, just stating fact. Now days there’s probably very little film photographers left. It’s made me sad to lose one thing and that would be the “alien photos”.

 

Seems like no matter what, there was always a crazy, abstract, weirdo photo and the beginning and end of every roll. Sometimes you’d get a couple more at the end. I collected those photos and use to take the ones that people threw away when they got they’re pictures back from the “fotohut”.

 

I had a real appreciation for these photographs. I thought they were awesome and unique, even the ones with the distorted finger that turned out to be grandma holding the camera like a hungry bear. I always thought they were interesting in composition.

 

Those are all gone now too. With the dominance of the digital camera, the ease of deleting unwanted pictures is a mere click away. No reason to keep those pesky, one-of-a-kind, pictures on your card.

 

It’s too bad.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Riddle Answer #5

with 13 comments

 ‘Riddle Me Rooster’. The least exciting riddle game of the internet comes crashing into your home again with the answer you’ve all been waiting for.

As always; in my heart of hearts I wish I could say that they were all right, but alas that would be anarchy. I can say that there were no wrong answers, (see how I did that there?), but much like the dreaded game of “pick a number” the goal is to say the exact thing I’m thinking of.

What is the only city that has no people?

Right after this…

“If you have trouble becoming aroused, don’t think that it’s God or Mother Nature trying to control you or give you a hint about something. It’s just bad luck. But thanks to money grubbing science you don’t have to worry anymore. There are all kinds of pills to help you achieve the erection you’ve always dreamed about. So don’t just sit there go kill yourself having sex!”

OK, we’re back and ready for the answer.

Again, I’d like to thank all of the answers and submittals that I received. All of them were gems of thought and humor to savor. Each one was immensely enjoyed.

We’d like to thank our sponsor and thoughtster behind the riddle game: http://zodiblog.wordpress.com/

And now, for the answer:

“electricity”

This is where I’m confused. Since Scott is the sponsor of Riddle Me Rooster and has no land, can he be the winner?

 

Let’s vote on it.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

July 14, 2009 at 3:35 am