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New Year’s Day Family Disaster

with 4 comments

A friend of mine told me I need to add something about myself to my blog. A personal touch to give myself that tinge of humanity that brings us all together. So in honor of my friend, I give you a true story from my life.

First off, so you know, I’m married with three kids, ages 12, 11 and 10. The wife and I both have kids from previous marriages and Christmas/New Year’s the kids go back and forth between “the other” parents. Last year all the kids were off and away and the wife and I picked them up on New Year’s Day.

We decided to go out to dinner to a popular and semi-fancy Mexican restaurant. The wait was minimal, the kids were in a good mood, the wife and I happy to see our kids again, so it seemed like it was shaping up to be a nice little evening.

In hind sight, the trouble began with the waiter bringing all the kids monster sized beverages. Every place and every time we’ve ever gone out to eat, the kids always get the kiddie sized drink, whether they like it or not, but for some reason tonight the waiter decided to bring them the 44 ouncers. Go figure. Well sure enough, five minutes later the middle aged kid knocked over her drink turning the table into an instant soda pop lake. “No big deal” the waiter said, as he brought out towels and napkins and guess what? That’s right, a new 44 ounce drink! This time it takes her two minutes to replenish the soda pop table reservoir. Needless to say, she went the rest of the meal without a drink. Come and get me child services!

Next, the kids finished eating and the oldest child was handing his empty chicken basket to the waiter trying to clear the table of our plates. It was one of those, “you got it, I think you got it, oh you don’t have it?” things. As I’m sure you can guess the basket, along with a large ramekin of ranch dressing goes crashing to the floor. The ramekin flips up sending a wave of ranch dressing all over the family and there small baby next to us. Ranch is all over her purse, the baby bag, the man’s pant leg, the chairs and of course all over the floor. Four managers rush to their table, nervously wiping down the area, each one apologizing at the same time to the family. They offer to pay for the meal, the dry cleaning, coupons for free meals, free desert, anything they can think of.

Finally, I’m still working on my gigantic fajita platter, on which sits a couple of jalapeno peppers. Now the kids no longer have food, thus have nothing to do, thus are instantly bored. The eldest boy offers to pay the youngest girl one dollar to eat the jalapeno. The wife thinks it’d be funny, so she offers another dollar for her to eat it. What 10 year old can resist two dollars? So she proceeds to eat it and just like the classic, college, raunchy, shock comedy movie, she starts off saying, “It wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t so hot.” Then the heat washes over her. She starts downing every body’s drink trying to put out the fire. She starts grabbing fistfuls of bread, woofing it down, at times rubbing it on her tongue trying to dull the pain. The waiter asks us what’s wrong and after hearing the story brings out a glass of milk. She downs it like a shot of whiskey. A few seconds pass, then she says, “I don’t feel so well.” The wife replies, “Do you need to go to the bathroom? Are you going to be sick?” “No, I’ll be OK.” she responds. A few more seconds pass and then the eruption of vomit comes spewing out all over the table.

I try to catch it in the an empty glass, but like trying to dodge a bullet I was pretty slow in trying to catch it. So the dinner, bread, milky vomit with jalapeno chunks flows over the sticky, ranch stained table and my wife has a minor stroke. She jumps up, saturated in embarrassment and tells me she’s leaving. Her and the kids take off as though they’re pulling a dine and dash, while I get to sit at the table, alone, waiting to pay at a table that looks like an elephant defecated a Volkswagen full of dead monkeys on it.

Now that’s how a family parties on New Year’s Day!

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

September 12, 2008 at 3:37 am

Posted in Humor

Tagged with , , , ,

4 Responses

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  1. Finally, a blog entry that’s not light and fluffy!

    Tough and Macho

    September 14, 2008 at 5:29 pm

  2. I guess it just proves if you stay long enough, you’re bound to find something you like. Thanks for hanging out Tough and Macho, I’m surprised you had time between lifting weights and gandering at your greased body flexing in the mirror.

    Ramblin' Rooster

    September 15, 2008 at 3:15 am

  3. OMG!!!!! that sounds exactly like some of the stories i could tell you about my family. right down to the “mine-yours-ours” kids. You are absolutely the funniest man on the planet right now. Thanks for keeping life real!


    September 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm

  4. Thanks for the kind words purpleorchid! Don’t tease me with the “could”… give me one of those crazy family stories. I’d love to know the scoop on the “mine-yours-ours” kids.

    Ramblin' Rooster

    September 30, 2008 at 2:40 am

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