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Farting in General

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I’m not a fan of fart humor. When I’m watching a movie or television show that shifts into fart jokes or uses farting as an interlude, I yawn and patiently wait for it to be over. However, I do think the world of farting and farting etiquette is worthy of a blog, because like most of my posts, I like to deal with the function, reaction and the way society perceives an action/behavior/object/etc. That is what I find interesting.

I grew up with grandparents who let the farts fly. If they had gas, they just pushed it out, no big deal. They never excused themselves or acknowledged that it happened. As a child I remember riding in the car with my mother, who on occasion would inexplicably say, “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me” or both. I never heard them, but looking back I wonder if she was squeezing them out and waiting for the smell detection to offer her apology or not. My father used to be into running and would stretch before and after his jog. He was like a fart factory, exploring new sounds, duration, and rhythm. If an award was ever to be handed out for most original farting, it would be on the mantle in my dad’s house. I don’t recall him being embarrassed like my mother was. Since the grandparents I referenced earlier were his parents, I’m guessing he was brought up to think farting didn’t exist either.

My brother had a friend in grammar school who used to call farts, a squawba. His story went that he was sitting on a piano bench and farted, the sound it made was squaw-ba. As kids we thought that was pretty funny and use to throw the word around quite a bit.

The other side of the coin is my wife. She hates farting, thinks it gross and perhaps an abomination dreamed up by the devil himself to ruin a good time in church. She makes her kids go into the bathroom if they need to fart. I am allowed to fart whenever and wherever I choose, but every time I do, I have to excuse myself and usually received an “OMG…” look or she reacts as though it’s our first date and a farted while sitting on her lap.

Once, while out shopping with the wife after dinner, I was having major gas pains and could no longer keep them in. Being with the wife, I couldn’t possibly do it in the store, IN PUBLIC! So I told her I was going to go “look at something over there”. I perused the aisles making sure the coast was clear. I got to a corner and bent down to further the charade of “casual shopper”. When I did, the fart came out, and because of the holding it in, bending and position of my hole, the sound was anything but quite. I looked up and a strange woman was in front of me with a look of disgust that I have yet to ever see duplicated by any human, (long lost cousin of my wife maybe?). I must admit, I was embarrassed and had to jump from aisle to aisle to avoid seeing her again while in the store.

I don’t really care about any of it and don’t spend much time thinking about fart etiquette. Where I choose to waste my mental energy on the subject of farting is in the real world. I think of things like:

-While at the movie theatre, “I wonder how many people have pinched a nasty, little, chocolate and popcorn fart in this cushion?”

-Inside a major/large department store, “I wonder how many people are farting simultaneously in the store right now?”

-Standing in a crowded elevator, “I wonder what these people would do if I let out the dragon breath?”

-“I wonder how many people have blown a job interview by ripping one?”

-“I wonder how many people have farted during sex?”

-“I wonder if Santa has had a lot of children put the warmth of the green blanket on his thigh at the mall?”

You know, stuff like that.

Of course there is the weird world of self smell tolerance, that we have yet to discuss, wherein nasty smells that you yourself create are not bothersome to you, but the slightest whiff of some stranger’s stench is unbearable, but I think that’s a universal truth that doesn’t warrant elaboration.

I just think farting is a natural function of life. I know I feel better if I let my gas out. I don’t think it should be used as entertainment and I do think exercising general manners of conduit should always be in applied.

In conclusion, ( I couldn’t decide which one to use)…

It just seems to me that by talking and discussing farting in general, we might finally clear the air.

or

It just seems to me that by talking and discussing farting in general, we might all draw a breath of fresh air.

 

Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

September 18, 2008 at 10:28 am

Posted in Humor

Tagged with , , , ,

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