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Archive for October 14th, 2008

Can We Just Not Like Each Other?

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Hate is a strong word. It shouldn’t be used lightly. One should not throw it around, because words can be weapons, hurtful and dangerous. So, I think it’s safe to say that hate isn’t a strong enough word to describe how I feel about the people I work with.

My feelings of disgust are so powerful, it’s as though they don’t even exist, but then the spell is broken as one of them speaks. I’m am not powerful enough or versed in the dark, mysterious, mystic arts to banish them from this realm, but make daily offerings of my soul to the dark overlord in exchange for the annihilation of the fellow co-workers. To date, Lucifer has not responded.

Each co-worker is specially gifted with a superpower of annoyance. Each annoyance is crafted, practiced, honed and is razor sharp. Executed with precision in both time and technique. Any one of them is so good they could “go pro”, if only forcing people to commit suicide was a sport. Perhaps the 2012 Olympics? I have the roster for the unbeatable, gold winning.

Here’s a quick break down of the team, (I’m withholding names because I can’t bear the thought of typing them, not to protect them. Plus, I’ve always thought changing John to Jack for the sake of anonymity was silly.)

Co-worker one: She likes to complain, fight with her husband on the phone, rearrange the office, burn popcorn in the microwave, scrap the inside of her yogurt cup repeatedly, (just accept that it’s all gone lady!) and sleep at her desk.

Co-worker two: She likes to read books, stare off in space, and sleep at her desk. (She is my favorite because she is so quiet)

Co-worker three: He likes clean his nails, stare at the wall and talk with co-worker one, all day, everyday. This promotes co-worker one to speak. They like to exchange interesting stories about animal hair, picnic baskets, bathmats and pickle preparation, (or maybe just random, stupid, small talk garbage).

Co-worker four: He likes to lose every thing he touches, not be in the office, promise clients the impossible, leave others to clean up his mess and “talk down” to everyone.

Co-worker five: He likes to micro-manage, play solitaire, eat cookies, and create overtime situations by blowing deadlines.

Co-worker six: She likes to talk on the phone all day long to people she hasn’t spoken to in years, offer advice whether you’re listening or not, eat snacks, call in sick, forget what to do and being reminded/told again. She plans on having a cell phone surgically implanted into her head.

Co-worker seven, (the captain): He likes to shotgun coffee, put things in his mouth, walk around, play with his phone, surf the web, leave early and elude responsibility.

Co-worker seven recently told me I needed to interact more with “the team”. I gave him the finger. Co-worker one was forced to ask me to join “the team” for drinks after work one night, I told her, “I don’t drink”, she replied, “Neither do I”. Great, then why wouldn’t we go to a bar?

I am currently working on inventing appetizing looking cookies made of some kind of explosive to “bring in” for sharing. If anyone can offer me some advice on how to get a believable texture, I’d be much obliged.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

October 14, 2008 at 5:41 am