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The Secret Life Of My Mother – Conclusion

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Continuum Warning! Clarity Disclaimer: This is the conclusion to the blog from last night titled, “The Secret Life of My Mother”. If you haven’t read the first part, you won’t want to start here.

Where we left off? Mother had died, I found her diary, I read it, she began her young life after high school as a drifter, became a porn magazine model, turned to stripping at a club and just tried cocaine. Yea mom!

-“I’ve been using the cocaine more and more, sometimes several times a night. It’s amazing. I feel free and powerful again, like I can do whatever I want. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Even as I write this I feel a calling to return to the next room with the other girls to join in the party. They’ve invited over several men. Some regulars from the club, an employee or two and a man I’ve never seen before. His name is Sean [still not my dad!] and he’s as close to a movie star as I think I’ll ever get [my mother did tell me once that she always wanted to marry a movie star when she was young]. I really should go back to the party if I want to try to gain his attention as most of the girls seem to be thinking what I’m thinking. This is one handsome meal ticket.”

-“I’ve been noticing Sean coming to the club almost every night. He always sits down front, but never makes eye contact with me. He’s a polite and generous tipper and I wish I knew for sure if I can get a hook into him. There’s nothing more depressing than trying to reel a man in and failing.”

-“Sean came to the club tonight and sat down front just like clockwork. Instead of a dollar he gave me a slip of paper. Backstage, when I opened it, I discovered it was an address. After the club closed, I took a cab to the address. It was a large, dark warehouse that seemed to be abandoned. I ignored my instincts and got out of the cab and went to the door. I knocked and sure enough Sean answered immediately. Which is a good sign, a man that makes you wait is dead weight. Inside the warehouse was as gloomy as the outside, except for all the candles burning. It seemed like there were thousands. In the middle of the room was a large glass top coffee table and pillows all over the floor. Sean offered to take my wrap and offered me a seat on the floor of pillows. He offered me a drink, I accepted, then he disappeared into the shadows. I looked at the table, there was more cocaine on the table than I have ever seen in my life. It looked like it had been snowing. Sean returned and we drank our drinks and did some lines while the time rolled away. Around sunrise, Sean had retrieved a small, wooden box from a back room. Without saying a word he pulled out a syringe, a rubber tube, a spoon and a very small bag from inside the box. Then he worked over it like a scientist, mixing and burning and fiddling around. He came over and wrapped the rubber tube around my arm then he stuck the needle in my arm. A warmth rushed over me and I felt like I was leaving my body”… [she goes on to talk about them having sex, but I can bare to type it]

This is where the book starts to get really weird and incoherent. She starts writing little, short poems and drawing bizarre pictures. She goes on and on about Sean and how he’s the one that finally gets her to do porn movies. From what I can tell this went on for a little over two years. So let’s just jump to the end before I vomit for days.

-“The end came and went. Sadly I wasn’t conscious for any of it. I remember being out at a club for drinks with Sean at some point. When I came too it was dark and cold. I was naked in an alley laying in a pile of trash. All I could think of was that I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. No money, no dignity, no recollection of my life, not even a stitch of clothing. I emptied a trash bag and pulled it over my head and walked myself to the nearest hospital. While I walked, I wondered if I was even really alive or if this was a dream of the dead.”

-“I’ve been in treatment for eleven months. This is the best I’ve ever felt in my whole life. The doctors say I’m well enough to leave and try to start my life over, but I must admit, I’m afraid. Where can I go, what would I do? But I can’t deny that it’s time for me to move on. I’ve been here so long that I don’t even look like a patient anymore. For instance, today a man came in the lobby trying to sell signs to the receptionist and I. He was bothersome and annoying, but there seemed to be something decent about him behind it all. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a decent man before. He asked me if I wanted to have lunch and without thinking I said yes. He’s suppose to come by tomorrow. I hope he brushes his teeth.”

The end. That’s the secret life of my mother. I’m glad she decided to take the secret with her to the grave. I can’t even imagine how that would have affected our relationship growing up. I only wish she would have burned the damn diary. Don’t worry mom, I did it for you. Girls/women remember, some things are best not to write down.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 17, 2008 at 4:50 am

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