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Archive for December 11th, 2008

The Common Cold Sucks!

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You know as I begin this blog, just taking a moment to look at the title kind of makes me want to slap myself. Is this really a topic for discussion? Is there anybody out there that would play the devil’s advocate on this? If there is, please let me know where they live so I can send a lynch mob to their residence for a good “talking too”.

Being sick has to be the worst thing ever. I’d rather be homeless in Siberia with nothing to wear except a thong. I’d rather pass razor blades in my urine while being submerged in a vat of salt water. I’d rather fornicate with my cousin while my parents watched, (OK that’s going a little too far). I hate it, do you understand? It’s as if you’ve become the living dead. I find that in pursuit of trying to stop the symptoms that I’m willing to fill my body with deadly combinations of pills, ignore all warning labels and render myself catatonic. At least my nose stopped running, never mind the fact that I can’t walk or communicate.

Speaking of drugs, what happened to NyQuil? There used to be a time that taking NyQuil would require you to be in bed before dosing because the effect was that fast and that powerful.  Now, thanks to the “meth heads” you don’t need to “show you id” to get it, and therefore it doesn’t pack the same punch.

The thing I hate most about the common cold is the relative power it wields. It’s more politically correct than any human alive in the fact that it isn’t biased and will change to accommodate its new found host. What am I talking about? Have you ever caught a cold from a child, even a wee child like a baby? Is the cold less severe because you’re an adult? No! It attacks you without thought of your size or age and makes you feel horrible on the same scale as the sickly child. Talk about unfair.

The second most hated thing about the common cold is the third or fourth day into it, when you can see light at the end of the tunnel. Similar to the relief after vomiting when you think “all is well with the world again”, the moment of decline from the initial strike to your immunity system is welcomed with joy and enthusiasm as you begin to think you’re “getting over it”. Unfortunately this is where the sneaky bastard usually migrates into your chest. For me, the worst example of this is the first second of waking up in the morning. There’s a ten second window where I feel like I’m all better and the cold is gone, but then I get up. My head squeaks like miniature whoopee cushions deflating in my sinuses and sadly I’m reminded that I’m still sick.

Then there’s the raw, red nose from blowing my nose 872 times a day, but I just tell people I’m a WC Fields impersonator.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

December 11, 2008 at 4:59 am