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Future Looks Good For Optometrists

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One of my friends stopped by over the New Year’s evening to say hello and happy New Year’s of course. Truth is I think he stopped by just to show off his new iPod touch. Nothing seems to provide obnoxious people with nonstop conversation more than cutting edge, (or somewhat cutting edge) gadgets.


I will admit that it was a pretty cool toy, “toy” being the key word here. Similar to last night’s shortcut pet peeve, cutting edge gadgets with their tiny screens offering all things that modern media has to offer, seem silly to me. Surfing the internet on a screen that you can hardly read is ridiculous. Yes, you can zoom in and out and scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll, but what’s the fun in that? Something like this would be ideal if you were waiting for a flight or a bus and you needed something to kill the time with.


Anyway, after playing around with this thing for about an hour or so it finally hit me. This isn’t just a novel device that’s meant to appeal to the hip, young generation, no, no, no my friend, this was a part of something much bigger. That’s right, this was the foundation of the next, great, conspiracy theory.


What’s the conspiracy? Failing eyesight of course! That’s why everything is shrinking, cell phones, buttons, screens and attention spans. OK, attention spans don’t really play into the conspiracy of eyesight destruction, but when ever I think of a bleak future, the subject of attention spans just falls out of my mouth. I can’t help it.


The only thing I can’t figure out is why the optometrists have all met in private and began their aggressive buyouts of all the technology leaders and nobody is doing or saying anything about it. Don’t believe me? Check it out:


May 5th, 1999: Dr. William Greene becomes the major share holder of Sony.

June 21st, 2000: Dr. Sarah Miller is named secret CEO of AT&T.

January 19th, 2001: Dr. Roger McRoger assassinates the president of AOL.

October 1st, 2002: Dr. Sheryl Hankersonsky buys out Nokia.

March 31st, 2003: Dr. Carl Franklin Smith Jones uses mob connections to take control over Samsung.

August 17th, 2004: Dr. Tandy Bergerheinstein sets elaborate trap to indict the board and later seize control of Sprint.

November 24th, 2005: Dr. Ricen Aldobrhiy takes control of T-Mobile by means still unknown to anyone.

February 11th, 2006: Dr. Hojhiek Rhankansassasaaskkik is awarded total control of Verizon Wireless through some weird blackmail scheme. No charges filed.

April 3rd, 2007: Unnamed doctor is anonymously and privately named the new head of Apple.


I can’t even imagine what’s next for this new powerhouse of world shapers and future controllers. So be warned, be fearful and most importantly be aware. The optometrists are out to make sure that every man, woman and child will eventually be in glasses.


What sucks the most is that when I went to go get my iPod, they were all sold out.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 3, 2009 at 4:28 am

Posted in Humor

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