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Archive for February 4th, 2009

Leather Furniture Phobia

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I’ve seen this happen a million times on television and in the movies. I’ve even seen it first hand, in real life. It’s even happened to me. What am I talking about? You know how when you still in leather furniture, there’s a 98% chance that the leather will make some kind of farting noise when you sit in it? It’s called Leather Furniture Phobia and we all suffer from it.


Leather furniture and the tricks it likes to play on people. I’ve heard from many a vegan, that if you eat meat you are in fact ingesting fear and pain because that’s what the animal felt right before it died. I really don’t want to get into all of that, but only brought it up so I could segue into this tasty idea. What if the angry soul of the cow that was used to make that piece of leather furniture was haunting it? Since ghosts aren’t allowed to touch you, it decided that it would just try and embarrass anyone who sat in it instead, by making awkward noises. I don’t know; it’s just a theory.


When I was a kid, I was kind of poor. Not break your heart, eating out of the trash, make you want to kill yourself poor, but average poor. So I always considered leather furniture to be somewhat of a social status object. If you had a leather couch, you weren’t only rich, but totally cool. Leather has always seemed to have a rather cool and trendy image. It’s seems at times synonymous with luxury, as in car upholstery. So if it’s so hip and upper crust, why does it try to mock you while you’re doing the most mundane of all actions, sitting?


What’s most odd about the whole Leather Furniture Phobia is that everyone knows that it’s just the leather “talking”. We know you didn’t fart and you know you didn’t fart, but yet there’s always that moment of silence and quick lock of eyes as if to say, “Did you just pass gas?” It’s very similar to the end of a condiment bottle, when you try to get that last drop of mustard or ketchup out and it makes the horrible diarrhea sound. Kids just love it. Oh wait, maybe the angry ghost cow is really just an incarnated clown who wants nothing more than to amuse the children.


To make sure that suspicion is completely lost on me, I got rid of all my leather goods and only kept my leather toilet seat.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 4, 2009 at 4:17 am