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If Pets Could Talk The Bullshit Would Stop

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I had just gotten out of the shower, (meaning I was nude) and was looking at the wrinkles on my face when I noticed, in the reflection of the bathroom mirror, my dog just sitting there watching me. He seemed concern about my mental well-being, so I kicked him in the face. Just kidding, he didn’t seem concerned at all about my mental well-being.


It occurred to me, as my dog was dressing me with his eyes, how many pets in this world are privy to secret information. Things so private and deeply hidden that even spouses are kept in the dark about it. Why is this? It’s because pets don’t talk, or at least when they do, no one can understand what it is they’re talking about. Remember, “Loose lips sink ships”. Animals have it better than any “boy-pretending-to-be-gay-to-see-a-girl-naked-in-her-room” adolescent fantasy, because for them it’s very real. They get to see, hear and smell it all. Who hides anything from their pet?


So what if suddenly animals could speak our language? The world would turn upside down and more than a few people would probably burst into flames. The rest of us would turn red as our pets began to blab about all the twisted, disgusting things they’ve witnessed during their time of loyal servitude. It would be like six hours into happy hour and your pet had just done a pile of cocaine. You couldn’t get them to shut up for anything. They’d be like, “I can believe you put me in a f#$%ing sweater!” or “All this time I’ve been barking, all I wanted was for you to turn down the television. I didn’t want to go outside, go for a walk or chase a damn tennis ball. I just wanted you to turn down the TV for crying in the night. I mean are you deaf?”


I bet the pet population would start to dwindle pretty fast. You’d start to see all kinds of homeless pets working the streets, sniffing around for loose change.


The real point would be that people would have to really clean up there act. No more sneaking around, lying, coming home late, dishonest phone calls, bringing “strangers” into the home when significant others were away at work, and of course no more porn on the couch on your day off.


It would seem to follow that if animals began speaking our language it would be only a matter of time before they started walking upright and driving cars. Before long they’d totally infiltrate our way of life. They’d want to take over and make us pay for domesticating and dominating them for so long.


World war three will be fought between the humans and the animals. You’ve been warned.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 6, 2009 at 4:54 am

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