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Archive for February 14th, 2009

I’d Rather Kill Myself Than Inflict Self Injury

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I don’t have to tell you that the whole point of life is to look and act cool, thus making people believe that you are in fact cool. Seems simple and easy in theory, but humans have a nasty habit of being uncool. One of the easiest and most familiar ways to appear or be uncool is to look like an idiot.

 

Just to be clear, idiots are not the same as morons. Idiots are random and ever changing. An idiot one day can be totally cool the next, whereas a moron is a moron, regardless of what day it is. But this is not about idiots vs. morons, so let’s move on.

 

Most of the time looking like an idiot stems from an action that is ultimately your fault. A lot of us get away with idiotic actions because most of the time people are too involved with their own life to notice. Then there are those times when you might be subjected to someone’s candid view and you are their entertainment. Here’s a great example. I was outside at work during the last ice storm, across the street at a hotel a young couple had gone for pizza. They were walking towards the lobby and the sidewalk was iced over pretty good. There was an elevation difference to the door and the guy carrying the pizza tried to jump to the top of the sidewalk, (I guess to avoid the ice?). His feet left solid ground and he became parallel with the parking lot in the air. Afterwards he came crashing down with the pizzas cushioning his fall. Making a fool of yourself in front of “your girl” is an automatic idiot. Thus proving, the worst kind of idiotic behavior is self inflicted injury.

 

The best kind is when someone is showing off, like riding a motorcycle in a dare devilish way and wiping out or driving as though they are on a racetrack and getting a ticket. When the person being an idiot deserves it, because their actions are undeniably idiotic, for a short moment everything seems right in the world. Some other good ones are:

 

-Buring yourself with food, drinks, a match, lighter, cigarette, etc.

-Stabbing yourself with toothpicks, knifes, scissors, etc.

-Tripping over things, (extra points if it’s your own feet)

-Hitting your head, (extra points if it’s in a place that you should be familiar with the dimensions, like your house)

-Slamming your own fingers in doors, windows, etc.

-Trying to get out of the car with your seatbelt still on

-Pulling a “landline” phone off of a desk or unplugging it by over extending the reach of the cord

-Burning yourself on the stove, (I’m sorry, but that’s like the third thing you learn in life, “Stove! Hot! No touch!”)

-Locking your keys inside of anything

-Walking into signs, doors, parked cars, etc.

-Pouring out or spilling your drink by trying to look at your watch

-Startling yourself or hurting your ears, either by turning on your car with the radio to loud or turning on your headphones and blowing out your eardrums

-Kicking something by accident and stubbing your toe, (in the dark is no excuse)

-Zipping up skin in your zipper

-Getting gum in your hair

 

-Reading this blog… HEY! Who said that?!?!

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 14, 2009 at 3:37 am