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Archive for February 24th, 2009

Let’s Have An Affair

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I was thinking today how awesome it would be to have a torrid affair. Pending you could get over destroying the lives of your spouse and children, tearing apart your family, gut-rotting guilt, lies that assure your place among the top spots in Hell and nightmares about crying, screaming and hurting people. Other than that, it’d be totally awesome.


Let’s say you’re sitting around the house with your boring spouse, when suddenly you get a mysterious phone call. You tell your spouse that something came up at the office and you need to go down there for a couple of hours to help out. No, they’d never buy that. I got it, you tell your spouse that your friend just got arrested for drunk driving and you need to go downtown to bail them out. No, that would be too easy for your spouse to very it’s legitimacy. Wow, this affair thing is a lot harder than I thought.


OK, let’s just say you came up with a good, solid lie, one that your spouse bought without a doubt. You’re free and out of the house. You drive to a sleazy hotel to meet your secret lover and you two get a room. “Does the room have free HBO?” You’re missing the point here. The two of you get a room and engage in ultimate sin. Then you shower up and scoot on home. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Sure beats a night of watching television and talking to your kids about their day.


To make the whole affair really worthwhile, it’s important that your secret lover is also married with children. It’s just not fair that only one of you has to sneak around and lie. Plus, when the whole thing blows up in your faces, you want to make sure that the maximum number of casualties is achieved.


Now, you should keep up this affair for a very long time, long enough to become comfortable. Otherwise it will be hard for you to let your guard down and become sloppy. “Why must I get sloppy?” How else are you going to get caught? A secret isn’t a secret until others find out about it.


Once the affair hits the fan, it’s usually pretty explosive and heated. You should be able to see emotions coming from your spouse to which the likes you’ve never seen before, (note: more excitement). Once the fireworks are over and you’re driving around looking for a hotel, (this time it’s just for a place to stay for the night, not time spent with your secret lover, because at this point they’ve lost interest in you because of all the drama) it should start to hit you. “What will hit me?” At some point you should be overcome with painful feelings, which will inevitably lead you to thinking about what you had and how you’re going to miss it now that it’s gone.


Over the next few months you’ll experiment in loneliness and solitude. You’ll wear an invisible mask that you’ll become extremely paranoid about other people seeing. This is why you figure everyone is looking at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Just ignore it as it will go away, much like your money to alimony and child support. Finally one day you’ll be having lunch and as the check comes you’ll notice an attractive waiter(ess) and it will remind you of your secret lover. You’ll then be amazed and shocked that you can no longer remember their name, but will relish in the fact that all of this is better than being bored on the couch.


As I always say, the best way to spice up a marriage is infidelity.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 24, 2009 at 4:53 am