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Archive for March 22nd, 2009

Sweat Pants Companies Sue America

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I’ve never practiced law, but I’ve always wanted to sue someone for something. On occasion I’d find myself out in the world noticing things that could have led to “class action” if I had wanted to “go for it”. For instance, there was a fast food restaurant by my office that had three or four steps to the front door and a little porch, if you will, with railing. Well the railing was loose and faulty and I thought about breaking my leg and performing a make-believe fall outside their building. Potentially it could have turned into some serious money. I just never got around to wanting to break my leg. Oh yeah, and it was morally wrong.


I’m glad to say that things have changed and I no longer suffer from morality. I’m ready to take America head-on. I want to sue pop culture. My client? The sweat pants companies of America.


What is wrong with sweat pants? They have the worst rap of any clothing item and it’s completely biased. There’s nothing wrong with sweatshirts, just the pants. Only fat people or depressed people wear sweat pants. You never see celebrities or cultural icons roaming around in sweat pants. No one ever says, “Do you have these in a sweat pant?” or “Do you have the sweat pants that George Clooney wore in Ocean’s 500?” Sweat pants never get to be cool or a sign of a wise fashion choice. Even the trend of “ass vocabulary” sweat pants made popular by teeny-bopper girls never really earned the respect of people. They still carried with it a projection of “trashy” or “dirty”. No one wants sweat pants, no one ever asks for sweat pants for a gift, sweat pants aren’t given away as prizes and have never been adopted as a uniform by any organization. “Here’s your hat, your gun, your badge, and your sweat pants.” Not going to happen.


Why? Sweat pants are so comfortable and relaxing. They allow your body to do whatever it wants to do, stretch in any direction it wants to stretch and to grow and grow. Sweat pants are your friend. They’re not out to judge you or get in your way, hold you down or try to make you into something you’re not. Sweat pants are the real deal. No hidden tricks or smoke and mirrors. If you wear sweat pants in public, you’re basically saying to the world, “I’m not afraid of what any of you think. This is me and I’m not ashamed. I will not let the fear of being judged put me in tight, constricting pants.”


Shame on all of you that have tried to crush sweat pants, let misfortune knock upon your door for destroying an innocent fiber blend. Think of all the poor victims in the sweat pants factories that have to lie about what they do for a living because you’ve brought negative association to sweat pants. I bet if you lost your job and wanted to lounge around the house in self pity for a week or two, no one would bother to check on you, help you out or try to cheer you up, except for sweat pants. They’d be there for you no matter what, day or night, chili or no chili, and would never ask, “When’s the last time you took a bath?”


All sweat pants need is one, just one, high profile face to strike out, to stand up and be the “legs of sweat pants.” I’d volunteer, but nobody knows who I am. Besides, my claws always seem to tear right through the legs when I put them on.


Egg On,

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

March 22, 2009 at 3:49 am