Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Ram and the Rod

with 8 comments

Once upon a time there was a mighty bad-ass named Ram. He lived in the small village of Nowhere. Since he was the biggest bully, Ram pretty much did as he pleased and needless to say, it wasn’t always nice.

 

Often times Ram would get drunk and walk in circles around the center of the village pulling behind him his giant club, the source of his might and fearsomeness, begging for someone, anyone to challenge him. Years went by and no one dared face Ram, the brute.

 

One day a mysterious and shadowy woman arrived on horseback to the village. Since no one had ever came or left Nowhere the people were of course amazed and anxious. Immediately talk of savior or angel swept through the streets.

 

Ram caught wind of such talk and exited the bar pulling behind him his giant club. He went to meet this mystery woman to see what was what. Ram found her waiting for him in the center of the town, the exact spot on which Ram often asked to be challenged. The entire village gathered to watch what would happen.

 

“Who are you and why do you come here?!” Ram demanded. “I am the smoke from the volcano, the mist in the valleys and the venom of poison. I sleep upon top of the mountain. I hear you bellow to be bested and tire of your whining” she replied. “You must be even more drunk than I.” Ram laughed. Some of the villagers laughed too, perhaps out of fear or perhaps they thought this woman to be crazy as well.

 

“Laugh if must, but this is no joke,” she said as she dismounted her steed, “I am going to fight you and win with nothing more than this.” She pulled a bamboo switch from her saddle bag. The village exploded with laughter and this time everyone joined in for they all knew that no could beat Ram, especially with nothing more than stick.

 

“You must want to die little lady. How can you think that you’ll beat me with that twig? Let’s us forget this nonsense and come inside for a drink.” Ram flirted. “What’s the matter, are you afraid?” she replied. “Do you see my giant club? One swing of this and it’ll be all over for you little girl.” Ram spat back, his ego being festered. “Then let us fight and we will see.” finished the woman.

 

The villages all stepped back as Ram and the woman began to circle each other. The woman ran up and smacked Ram in the face with bamboo switch. She moved so quickly that Ram didn’t even see it coming. Ram and the woman kept walking in circles. Again and again the woman would run up and smack Ram in the face. Ram became infuriated. He tried to lift his giant club, but every time he leaned over to heave it above his head, the woman was there to smack him in the face with her bamboo switch. He became angrier with every smack, yelling, screaming and swearing. He began to swing at thin air, never being able to predict of keep up with the woman’s assault. Several hours went by and Ram never lifted the giant club. He did however get smacked in the face more times than anyone was able to keep track of. 

 

Finally Ram conceded. “You win, you win, just please stop hitting me.” Ram fell to his needs, red, bloody, welted and humiliated. “You have bested me. You are the superior fighter. Make my death a quick one.”

 

The woman walked up to Ram and smiled. “I did not fight you; I merely kept out of the way during your tantrum. Now that you are on your knees the people of this village can see that you are not a champion, but an unchallenged fool. I know not of your death, for I am not your bringer, but something tells me your life will hurt much more.” With that she began to walk away.

 

“Who are you?” Ram asked as he began to cry. “I am merely a woman who wanted to sleep.”

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

May 25, 2009 at 5:48 am

8 Responses

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  1. Very nice RR. The woman must have had children, because I’ve felt the same way many times!

    Claire Collins

    May 25, 2009 at 8:08 am

    • Clarie Collins, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this life, it’s to never disturb a woman trying to sleep. You weren’t sleeping were you? Thanks for coming back by.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 26, 2009 at 3:09 am

      • It’s very amusing that a rooster is concerned about waking me up.

        I have an image of you peeking in windows saying, “Not that house, not that house.. ahh.. a man alone. Let the crowing begin.”

        I never sleep anyway. Sleep is overrated. Sleep is…
        ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZ

        Claire Collins

        May 26, 2009 at 3:58 am

        • Claire Collins, that’s all a rooster has to concern himself with. The reference is always to Farmer Brown, never Mr. and Mrs. Farmer Brown. I’m thinking she left for the big city of a job at Hamish Industires. Sleep my dear, you’ve earned it.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          May 27, 2009 at 3:29 am

  2. Is there a chance that is a metaphorical story about marriage and compromise? Either way, I smell a miniseries!!

    Scott Oglesby

    May 25, 2009 at 9:25 am

    • Scott Oglesby, there’s no chance it’s a metaphor. It’s a direct reference to my wife… er I mean it’s a story. Mini-series? Nah, how ‘bout another Oglesby reality show, “I Dare You To Wake My Wife”? Thanks for commenting.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 26, 2009 at 3:12 am

  3. A very well-done post. A fable on par with the best of Aesop or even G.I. Joe.

    Because knowing is half the battle.

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, now I know. I loved G.I. Joe public service announcements. I wanted to end the post with Ram asking, “Who are you?” and the woman saying, “I’m Bob Saget.” but that seemed like to far of a stretch, even for me.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 27, 2009 at 3:52 am


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