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Archive for May 27th, 2009

Excerpts from my Handbook Collection

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The greatest Lion Tamer in the world, Capitalist, gave me an idea four days ago that I wanted to follow up on. The suggestion was to share some of the wealth of knowledge I keep locked up in my massive and expansive Handbook collection. These Handbooks are written in celestial blood on papyrus before the division of the continents. They’re super rare and I got them on eBay for a song. The entire collection takes up 24,000 square feet and it took me six hundred years to read them all.


Tonight I will be sharing passages from the Handbook of Evil.


-Puppies, they were made for kicking


-Mothers, the easiest of hearts to break


-Children, their minds are a blank canvas, the possibilities are endless


-Boyfriends/Girlfriends, why get one when all your friends have one you can use


-Thumb tacks in chairs, a lost art


-Pulling a chair out as someone is sitting down is especially easy to do on old people


-Hiding grandma’s teeth is an all day event


-Crowbar to the head, saying what words can’t express


-Secretly serving people food they are allergic to never ends badly


-Blackmail is the purest form of flattery


-If you see someone wearing a white suit or dress they are demanding to be pushed down in the mud. If it has not rained in awhile and mud is not readily available, it is wise to improvise and use urine to create a puddle


-Yelling “God damn it” in the middle of Mass is always good for a laugh


-“Tax refund time” and “mailbox baseball opening season” are synonymous


-You get double the points in a “panty raid” if the panties are still being worn upon snatching them


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

May 27, 2009 at 4:25 am