Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of

Excerpts from my Handbook Collection

with 30 comments

The greatest Lion Tamer in the world, Capitalist, gave me an idea four days ago that I wanted to follow up on. The suggestion was to share some of the wealth of knowledge I keep locked up in my massive and expansive Handbook collection. These Handbooks are written in celestial blood on papyrus before the division of the continents. They’re super rare and I got them on eBay for a song. The entire collection takes up 24,000 square feet and it took me six hundred years to read them all.


Tonight I will be sharing passages from the Handbook of Evil.


-Puppies, they were made for kicking


-Mothers, the easiest of hearts to break


-Children, their minds are a blank canvas, the possibilities are endless


-Boyfriends/Girlfriends, why get one when all your friends have one you can use


-Thumb tacks in chairs, a lost art


-Pulling a chair out as someone is sitting down is especially easy to do on old people


-Hiding grandma’s teeth is an all day event


-Crowbar to the head, saying what words can’t express


-Secretly serving people food they are allergic to never ends badly


-Blackmail is the purest form of flattery


-If you see someone wearing a white suit or dress they are demanding to be pushed down in the mud. If it has not rained in awhile and mud is not readily available, it is wise to improvise and use urine to create a puddle


-Yelling “God damn it” in the middle of Mass is always good for a laugh


-“Tax refund time” and “mailbox baseball opening season” are synonymous


-You get double the points in a “panty raid” if the panties are still being worn upon snatching them


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

May 27, 2009 at 4:25 am

30 Responses

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  1. OOH, I must have a peek at your collection! Did the list happen to include stealing cookies from girl scouts, robbing blind beggars, and worshiping at the idol of Cheney?

    Scott Oglesby

    May 27, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    • Scott Oglesby, no peeking! You can sit and read in the library, but no peeking! There is a section about stealing cookies and robbing beggars, but nothing about worshiping at the idol of Cheney. It says, “Shooting Cheney in the face after forcing him to watch an American Idol marathon in Spanish”. See what peeking gets you?

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 28, 2009 at 3:03 am

  2. Off to a wonderful start, RR. I’m looking forward to spending the better part of the next 600 years reading them.

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, awesome. The door is always open, but you’ll need the key to the secret library.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 28, 2009 at 3:03 am

  3. Apparently, I’m a lot more evil than I thought.

    Claire Collins

    May 29, 2009 at 3:05 am

    • Claire Collins, if you answered yes to one of more of the items listed above, you’re pure evil, or human, or having a “moment”. Please send $19.95 for absolution, (money orders only). Hurry, act now!

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 29, 2009 at 4:41 am

      • *writing a check for $39.90*

        I’m sure I’ll need absoluton twice ’cause I can’t stay good very long.
        Can you automatically charge my credit card for a monthly absolution?

        What? Money orders only? Well never mind then. I’ll just stay evil.

        Claire Collins

        May 30, 2009 at 2:52 am

        • Claire Collins, for you I’ll make an exception. Please give me your number, (credit card that is) and I’ll give a years worth for the introductory price of $99.95 or take advantage of the limited time offer for an automatic pass to Heaven for the low price of $299.99 (normally $12,437.23) How’s that for a deal?!

          Ramblin' Rooster

          May 30, 2009 at 3:45 am

  4. Wow what a discount!

    Is the automatic pass to Heaven only good for the next year or is it a lifetime pass? I’d hate to see it expire the day before I kick the bucket.

    Claire Collins

    May 30, 2009 at 4:37 am

    • Claire Collins, I hate when people read the fine print. It’s expires ten minutes before departure. (That’s how we get you.)

      Ramblin' Rooster

      May 30, 2009 at 4:50 am

      • We? That’s how WE get you?

        Wow, I knew there was a reason I liked you.

        Claire Collins

        May 30, 2009 at 5:05 am

        • Claire Collins, don’t you mean you like “US”?

          Ramblin' Rooster

          May 31, 2009 at 4:02 am

          • Yes, I would protect you. Too bad you can’t fly, although, ducks can fly and it didn’t help them any.

            US? You got a mouse under your wing or are you just happy to see me?

            Yes, I like US!

            Please don’t send the demons after me. Last time, I really hurt several of the poor little things.

            Claire Collins

            May 31, 2009 at 6:07 am

            • Claire Collins, I can’t believe you’d bring up the fact that I can’t fly. That’s just cold… I can’t even respond to the rest of your comments right now. I need to walk this off first.

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 1, 2009 at 3:28 am

              • I’m doing this again because it threw me way up there. *cry*

                I’m sorry, RR.

                I can’t fly either.

                Claire Collins

                June 1, 2009 at 4:07 am

                • Claire Collins, see? I tried to warn you. This blog is out of control! It’s like Joshua from ‘War Games’.

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 1, 2009 at 5:28 am

                  • My face is smeared all over your blog. I’m starting to think it’s stalking me.

                    Claire Collins

                    June 1, 2009 at 5:47 am

                    • Claire Collins, this blog is insane. I’d contact local and international authorities immediately. I wonder if you can get a restraining order against a blog. We could make legal history here!

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 2, 2009 at 4:56 am

                    • I don’t think it will work since I’m the one who keeps coming back. Soon, your blog will get a restraining order against ME!

                      Psst you can’t fly cause of that whole donkey thing…

                      Claire Collins

                      June 3, 2009 at 3:54 am

                    • Claire Collins, I don’t care who files first, just so long as we make history. If the law suit fails it’s back to my donkey films.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 3, 2009 at 5:01 am

                    • donkey…

                      wow. My mind just left completely. Excuse me while I go find it.

                      Claire Collins

                      June 3, 2009 at 6:28 am

                    • Claire Collins, this would be the perfect time to step away from the screen. Once you see “that” it’s all over, there’s no going back.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 4, 2009 at 5:30 am

  5. Damn, my aim’s been totally off lately. How did I end up on top of my favorite rooster instead of underneath?

    Claire Collins

    May 30, 2009 at 4:38 am

  6. I’m sorry, RR.

    I can’t fly either

    Claire Collins

    June 1, 2009 at 4:06 am

    • Claire Collins, yeah, but you’re not the one that’s running around the yard with useless wings…

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 1, 2009 at 5:27 am

      • yeah but to make up for it, you have that whole HUNG thing going on…
        I would think that would keep you from running as well.

        Claire Collins

        June 1, 2009 at 5:46 am

        • Claire Collins, it defeats the coolness when you trip and fall down though… it could also be why I can’t fly!

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 2, 2009 at 4:48 am

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