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Archive for June 2009

Riddle Answer #3

with 11 comments

Now that CLT has pointed out that my riddles make digging threw the “proverbial” haystack seem to be a snowballs chance in hell of getting it right, this just doesn’t seem as fun. As I told CLT though, next week will be easier, more common perhaps.

As always; in my heart of hearts I wish I could say that they were all right, but alas that would be anarchy. I can say that there were no wrong answers, (see how I did that there?), but much like the dreaded game of “pick a number” the goal is to say the exact thing I’m thinking of.

Without further ado, I give you the answer to the riddle of,

What’s brown, round and weighs one pound?

Right after this…

“We know when it comes to picking a lie, there are a lot of choices out there. That’s why we urge you to choose the very best and fool proof lies. Here at American Government we strive to bring you the freshest and most unquestionable lies possible. Because lying shouldn’t boggle your mind, your lies should boggle other people’s minds while you run away. American Government, lying everyday… for you!”

OK, we’re back and ready for the answer.

Again, I’d like to thank all of the answers and submittals that I received. All of them were gems of thought and humor to savor. Each one was immensely enjoyed.

We’d like to thank our sponsor and thoughtster behind the riddle game:

And now, for the answer:

“Three day old ground beef”

In a way I think Claire was right, (on a technicality) so in order to make this seem winnable, Claire Collins; you are this week’s “Riddle Champion”. Congratulations and watch your mailbox for your prize, a copy of Alan’s new book, CLT’s new album and Scott’s reality show “Best Of” DVD.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 30, 2009 at 3:38 am

Rejected Greeting Cards

with 10 comments

Long before I was strutting my stuff around the Brown’s farm, I was an aspiring greeting card writer. Something about writing the words to express the feelings of another person just really appealed to me. I’d sit at my desk scribbling emotions, dreaming of a stranger choosing my card in the aisle, signing their name to it and giving to someone. It was so exciting to think it could happen to me.


Needless to say, those dreams and aspirations never came to pass. I came across some of my drafts the other day while cleaning my roost and I thought I’d share them with you.


Front: Sometimes words are not enough to tell you how sorry I am.


Inside: I slept with your wife, but at least you know now that she’s a whore.



Front: Life can bring us hardship, but if make it through we come out on the other side a

           better person.


Inside: Sorry to hear about the divorce. Would you mind if I ask your ex-husband out?



Front: We all make mistakes.


Inside: Yours was not wearing a condom.



Front: I heard you didn’t get the promotion, that’s horrible.


Inside: So don’t about calling me boss on Monday, we can wait until Tuesday.



Front: Every cloud has a silver lining.


Inside: Except the one that rained for four days flooding your house.



Front: I just wanted to tell you that I loved you.


Inside: But then I’d be a liar.



Front: You are the most wonderful, beautiful and precious thing in the world to me.


Inside: Next to your sister.



Front: If I had to choose between you and a million dollars, the choice would be easy, it’s



Inside: The policy I took out on you is worth twice that much.



Front: Losing a pet can be very difficult to deal with.


Inside: So if you get another one, don’t put a tag on it that says, “Rabies” and maybe it

            won’t get shot.



Hard to believe Hallmark never called.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Emergency List

with 22 comments

Things I heard or said prior to waking up in the emergency room:



-Do you smell gas?

-Look out!

-Watch Out!

-Watch this!

-Oh no…


-Hold on!

-Can you hold my beer?

-My brother did it and nothing happened to him.

-Stand back…

-No, the blue wire!

-That’s never happened to me…

-She’ll never find out…

-Yeah, come on back here and I’ll beat your ass!


-Just jump…



-I double dog dare you!

-I saw this on TV…

-I believe I can fly…

-You got a lighter?

-Just give it a good yank.

-Hey baby, nice ass!

-Go faster!

-That never happens in real life.

-This is going to be awesome!


-I don’t know about this…

-I’m not drunk…

-Are you recording?

-What a cute bear…

-OK, turn it on.

-I can fix that.

-I got it!

-Does this kung pow smell weird to you?

-Poke it with a stick.

-What’s the worst that could happen?


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Riddle Question #3

with 22 comments

It’s Friday night and I ain’t got nobody

I got a riddle ‘cause it’s time again

Now how I wish I had someone to answer

I’m in an awful way…







It’s Friday night and time once again for

Riddle Me Rooster!


Tonight’s riddle:


What’s brown, round and weighs one pound?




Please leave your answer in the comments section.

The winner and/or answer will be given Monday night.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 27, 2009 at 2:52 am

Stupid Food

with 14 comments

What is it with this whole “need to eat to survive” thing? Why does food have to always hang over my head as a necessity for life? Burning sensation in my stomach here and fainting from not eating there, it’s getting to be a real pain.


I use to live on the fast food, because it was cheap, fast, and you threw away the dishes. Then I took a moment to realize that I could buy fast food from the grocery store for half the price, but still reap all the wonders of the drive-thru cuisine.


So imagine my excitement to see:


Ramen noodles in a cup

Rice in a bag

Single serving Mac n/ Chez

(basically 100 shades and varieties of noodles. When did boiling water become a chore?)

Pre-Sliced pizza

Burritos, (meat/bean and breakfast)

Egg Rolls

Sausage biscuit, (full size and mini)

Chicken Fired Steak dinner

Chili dog

Corn dog

-the list literally goes on and on, so the variety is amazing.


I recently paid $25,000 to have a walk in freezer built on to my trailer to house all of this wonderful instant food. Please stop by and I’ll be glad to heat something up for you.



If I could be lazier, I’d probably stop breathing.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Smell My Macho Follow-Up

with 21 comments

I sent a letter to the Macho Association of America, (M.A.A.) to apply for membership into the Macho club, (something I didn’t know you had to do until today). They require you to write a letter explaining why you should be accepted into their prestigious club. Actually the website said, “So you wanna be one of us, huh? Prove it! Make us think you are macho man enough to be us!”


Below is what I sent in. Please tell me what you think.


Hey MAA,


I wanna be macho, like bad, like real bad. I would be good macho. I would macho all the time. I think I should be macho cuz I hate smart people for five reasons:


A. Because they’re smart

B. Because I had a terrible childhood, suffer from low self-esteem and I’ve never made a woman smile in bed and I’m desperate to overcompensate for it

C. Cuz smart people are stupid

D. Cuz I wanna be macho



I have a really good feeling about my letter. I think it pretty much sums up the entire movement. I’m confident that I nailed it. I’m thinking I could even be made president of the club, but I’m getting way ahead of myself. Let’s just hope for a call.


Wish me luck and offer up any criticism you might have.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Smell My Macho

with 20 comments

I’ve always admired those who are macho. Well I guess envied would be more the appropriate description. Just like the Charles Atlas ads in the back of my favorite comic books, I’ve always felt like the guy getting sand kicked in my face. Not that I ever was the picked on kid, but rather somewhere in the middle of flexing my stuff and picking sand out of my teeth. Truth is I’ve never even been to a beach.


Anyhoo, I’ve always wanted to be macho. Other than the body building physique, I’ve always lacked the commitment, discipline and energy to be macho. Staying “puffed up” all the time takes extraordinary muscle control and you have to commit 100%. There’s no “I’m macho, get out of way” and “Sure, I’ll hold the baby.” It’s one way or no way!


What I admire most in “the macho” is of course the lack of thinking, both in the immediate and long term faculties. Macho can’t be troubled to “think through” those menacing threats. They’re lucky just to get words out at all. I’d like to take a vacation from thought and just be. Walking down the street, muscles flexing and flapping in a cologne drenched wind, women rubbing on my legs while I walk all the while I’m still counting reps in my head from my morning breakfast. “148… 149… 150” So engrossed that I don’t even notice the bus that’s about to hit me as it slams on the breaks. Even a inanimate object know not to mess with “the macho”.


My favorite macho-ism line is of course, “What are you looking at?” If ever an opportunity was given, this would be it. Even those who are self described as “slow” or “not quick on the uptake” can fire back to this gapping wide hole of “please make me look like an idiot”. Not since, “Do you want to go to my place?” has such an open ended question received such rapid response.


There are other wonderful zingers that stem from “the machos”, like, “You got a problem?” “What are you going to do about it?” “You gonna make me?” “You want some of this?” and “I’m going to beat the living shit out of you!” Of course that last one should probably be moved into a different category, like ‘Know When To Walk Away, Know When To Run’, (or as I affectionately call it the Kenny List).


Being macho isn’t about being smart or cool or popular or well liked. It’s about being macho and that’s it. It’s a lifestyle as much as it is a religion. There’s nothing a man wouldn’t do to be macho and if says otherwise he’s a liar-sissy-homo-girl.


Yeah, that felt good…


What are you looking at?!


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 24, 2009 at 3:57 am