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Dance Recital Claims Thirteen Lives

with 21 comments

OK, it didn’t really kill thirteen people, it killed me thirteen times. If you don’t have any children, then you’re not even really alive. You can’t claim to be living or getting the full experience that life has to offer until you have snot nosed punks running around. No, I don’t care what you say, you’re not alive until you’re part of the “baby club”, until you go full term.


Sure, you may have gone bungee jumping in the Amazon forest or toured the country in the luggage compartment of the Grateful Dead bus. Perhaps you’ve backpacked across Europe and made love in the rain next to a vineyard. I don’t know about you’re awesome, Mel Gibson-Lethal Weapon cool life, except that it pails in comparison to child rearing.


You might think that “hand fishing” in Peru was painful or that time you got shot over the nickel bag you were trying to score for your “cousin” was bad. Trust me; you don’t know pain until you’ve sat through a four hour dance recital. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I don’t love my children. I’m just saying that I’m going to hold this against them for the rest of their lives.


“Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?” “Do you remember that four hour dance recital I sat through for you?” It will become my answer to everything they want from now on.


As I think about it, I guess I didn’t mind the three minutes that I watched of MY children dancing. That was pretty cool. I guess it was the three hours and fifty-seven minutes of others people’s kids that drove me crazy, (that and my numb ass, nothing like limping out of the auditorium). You might be asking yourself, “What’s not to like about watching three and four year old children pretending to dance as they watch the teacher, who’s standing on stage with them?” To which I would reply, “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you, I was loading my gun.”


Too harsh?


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 1, 2009 at 5:23 am

21 Responses

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  1. Hahahaha,

    Sounds completely understandable to me. I’m impressed that you only got as far as loading your gun.

    I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t have kids. Although I have tried to give birth on several occasions. No luck. My neighbours however do have many babies and they let them roam outside all night long. I personally think people should be forced to keep their babies in at night. But that’s mostly because I get tired of them going through my garbage cans and peeing all over my shed to mark their territory. Damn babies.


    June 1, 2009 at 5:47 am

    • alantru, and hear you’ve always seemed so rational to me, like an honorable big brother, the sensible uncle, the sober father, but you are just as put out by those darn wild babies as I am. “A baby ate my dingo!”

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 2, 2009 at 4:53 am

  2. Not too harsh! Those things are detestable! It’s all a form of blackmail by society! “OH, you should give your child every oppertunity to find their passion.” Come on, what percentage of kids grow up to dance? And I don’t mean stripping damn it, I said dance!! I blame the ‘big dance recital’ lobbyists!!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 1, 2009 at 11:14 am

    • Scott Oglesby, it’s always the lobbyists! I’d say the percentage of kids that grow up to be dancers is one in 523,567.34, but that’s just a guess.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 2, 2009 at 5:00 am

  3. It doesn’t get any better as they get older either. They just find more hobbies to make you attend. you might as well mark a couple of years of your life off to waiting for those 3 minutes of seeing your own kids!

    Claire Collins

    June 3, 2009 at 4:05 am

    • Claire Collins, I’m fully aware that it gets worse, then gets nasty, then it over and then you become sad it’s gone. Oh well, such is life. Lifesaver?

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 3, 2009 at 5:13 am

  4. You really should be able to come and go as you please, rather than pretending you’re interested in the actions of other people’s children.

    The only time I’m interested is when they’re in my yard touching my stuff.

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, not to get into any Adam Sandler movies, but if you could fast forward your life through all the “down time” I wonder how much of life you’d actually end up living. What kinds of things do you have in your yard?

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 5, 2009 at 3:47 am

      • A. Not very much.

        B. The usual stuff. Garden, lawn furniture, machine gun nests, perimeter mines, shrine to Headstomping Albert Haynesworth…

        Capitalist Lion Tamer

        June 6, 2009 at 2:35 pm

        • Perimeter mines? Wouldn’t they blow up before they ever got to touch anything in the yard?

          Claire Collins

          June 7, 2009 at 12:27 am

          • Claire Collins, the first couple would blow up, but eventually they’d break through the field due to sheer numbers and probability.

            Ramblin' Rooster

            June 7, 2009 at 4:14 am

            • Now why didn’t I think of that? So we could go play in his yard, we just have to make sure we aren’t the first ones in. You play with the shrine and I’ll play with the machine gun nests.

              Claire Collins

              June 7, 2009 at 5:00 am

              • Claire Collins, it’s basic warfare 101. Let’s meet up at the, (what I assume to be plush and exquisite) lawn furniture.

                Ramblin' Rooster

                June 8, 2009 at 4:04 am

                • Okay, I’ll meet you there, but I have this feeling I’m going to end up being a casualty of war before I ever get to touch the machine gun nests. And, if his yard is this enticing, can you imagine what’s INSIDE the house?

                  Claire Collins

                  June 8, 2009 at 4:50 am

                  • Claire Collins, I hadn’t even thought of the museum-esque house. I’m too taken by the yard. You go inside and report back, I’ll be in the hammock.

                    Ramblin' Rooster

                    June 8, 2009 at 5:19 am

                    • Oh yeah right! I would’ve been blown up trying to get in the yard if those kids hadn’t stepped in front of me and set the perimeter mines off first. Can you imagine the booby traps to get in the house?

                      Claire Collins

                      June 8, 2009 at 5:25 am

                    • Claire Collins, I’m going to guess that even CLT can’t get inot the house.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 9, 2009 at 3:08 am

          • Yeah, it’s like Rooster says. Kind of like a game of Tower Defense: Yard Version.

            • Capitalist Lion Tamer, I sincerely hope that the yard version is more fun and exciting than the desktop version.

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 8, 2009 at 4:13 am

        • Capitalist Lion Tamer, you’d need all those things to keep me away from your shrine to Haynesworth, the gangsta of football.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 7, 2009 at 4:12 am

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