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Tasty Drinks From Flesh Melons

with 8 comments

Breast augmentation or implants as they’re called in my trailer, is so old news. Everyone I know from my sister to my grandmother has had a boob job. The cat was thinking about getting it done, that’s how boring it’s become. Everywhere you look it’s giant boobs here and plastic breasts there. I can’t even go to the bathroom with out having to wade through a sea of silicone, (or saline). It’s ridiculous.


I’m ready for the evolution of the breast, the next step, the function rising above the form. Personally I’ve had all the cupping and fondling I need for a lifetime. I’m ready to go somewhere else with my “titty action”. I think that new plateau is beverage service.


Bear with me on this, it’s a perfectly natural direction and certainly isn’t offensive or degrading. If you want to be technical about it the primary function of the breast is to provide milk and what is milk? A beverage. Thank you!


I’ve seen some internet pictures of silly people or Halloween costumes that depict a woman’s chest being a beer tap or something along those lines. Although beer is an obvious choice, I think it’d be nice to be able to fill up breasts with whatever liquid you wanted. There are people out there that aren’t raging alcoholics you know.


I think it’d be awful nice to go walking in the park on a hot summer day and sit under a tree with you wife or girlfriend and for both of you be able to sip some fresh squeezed lemonade out of her boobs. Not only would it be refreshing and convenient, it would also be a wonderful bonding experience.


The only thing I’m not sure about is how to “cool” the liquid inside the container. I’d imagine that it could be uncomfortable having a chest of ice upstairs and over time could lead to back problems. I certainly don’t want that. The lining needed to protect the inside of the body from the coldness would have to be some kind of new, space-age material that was flexible, lightweight and preferably soft and squishy, like a koozie I suppose.


You think I’m crazy? What did you call me? I don’t even know what that means, I’m not even sure if that’s a word… Just calm down, relax. If you’re not having babies then what’s the point of having those things just floppin’ around is all I’m saying. Why not make good use of them. Is that so wrong?


I’d fill my testicles up with ice tea, but the capacity of your boobs far outweighs my nuts. How can you argue against logic? Although with the “balls cooler”, there is that handy spout or large drinking straw compared to the little nipples.


It’s still in the larval stage.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 2, 2009 at 4:45 am

8 Responses

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  1. I guess if we were going to go down that utilitarian road then men would get them too. I think I’d go for the coffee model. Hot in one, cold in the other. Always being able to have a nice coffee would be nice!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 2, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    • Scott Oglesby, I’d have soda pop in mine and probably just plain old water on hot summer days. Perhaps a sport drink if I was feeling frisky.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 3, 2009 at 4:59 am

  2. What a great idea.

    I might as well do something with these useless things on my chest besides using them to hold up my shirt. And let’s not even think about how they will look if you drink only out of one side at a time.Less weight to lug around.

    The next idea should be to use our backsides as storage for snacks. Milk in the front, cookies in back. Lemonade in front, cherry pie in back. Beer in front, pretzels in back, unless she’s got a BIG back, then you might get a couple of pizza’s in there.

    And the “balls cooler” comes with a built in straw.

    Pure genius.

    Claire Collins

    June 3, 2009 at 4:49 am

    • Claire Collins, I knew you could appreciate this idea. Although I would have expected a whiskey comment, but that’s what you get for trying to guess the future. Perhaps a crap table in the back, poker chips?

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 3, 2009 at 5:14 am

      • OH that’s funny! Crap table in back! Ha! Whiskey in front. wow. Poker in back.. oh man. we are sinking to new lows here Rooster.

        Claire Collins

        June 3, 2009 at 6:43 am

        • Claire Collins, one man’s low is another man’s high, or one woman’s low is another rooster’s high.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 4, 2009 at 5:42 am

  3. You know you’re my favorite rooster right?

    Claire Collins

    June 4, 2009 at 6:29 am

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