Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

I Don’t Like Twins

with 47 comments

I’ve always tried to be a good person. Well, OK… that’s not entirely true. I’ve always tried to not be a bad person. What’s the difference? Good people usually donate their time and are charitable. They don’t “flip the bird” at people on the highway for cutting them off or stiff a waitress on the tip because they “didn’t like her attitude”. Good people want to help out for the purpose of being good, regardless of how much it might hurt.

 

Now I’m not saying I don’t help people out, I just don’t do all I can, when ever I can. Thus I am in limbo of being a good and a bad person. Humans frustrate me, I won’t lie about that. There are times I don’t want to participate in certain activities because I know that humans will be involved and not just any old humans, general population humans, (yuck, the worst!).

 

Even so, I’ve always been extremely tolerant of people, especially when it comes to who they wanted to be. I never gawked at the Mohawk punk or made fun of the pocket protector avenger. I don’t care about the color of your hair or who you want to kiss. I’ve always been of the mind to let everyone be who they wanted to be. It didn’t bother me who you were or how you wanted to live your life, so long as it didn’t come spilling into my living room. So it pains me to admit this, but I don’t like twins.

 

I find twins to be creepy. I can’t help it. They make me uncomfortable. When they talk at the same time or move in unison, it makes nervous. I feel as though I’m being attacked by animatronics or that cloning has been declared successful in some remote, Swiss Alps, laboratory and some of the “patients” succeeded in their escape plans.

 

They don’t make me want to buy gum or ignite any adolescent, sexual fantasy. I don’t think it’s cute when they’re in matching clothes and I’m not interested in some odd talent they might possess like juggling or their career ambitions such as modeling. I don’t think they should get their own television shows or ride bicycles built for two. I’m not interested if they can “feel each other” from across the world or from across the room. I couldn’t care less if they can read each other’s mind, in fact that would be even creepier if that turned out to be factual.

 

I’m not even sure where this prejudice came from either. It could very well stem from the fact that people have often told me that they are glad that there is only one of me on this earth.

 

One is enough, it’s what I’ve been told, it’s how I was raised.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 9, 2009 at 4:20 am

47 Responses

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  1. What if you did have a twin? Somewhere out there is another funny rooster. Or better yet! Somewhere out there is a truly good Rooster. One who helps people because he likes it! You would be the evil twin rooster. The next question is: Is farmer John really your farmer? Or did he adopt you and your REAL farmer kept the good twin?

    And while we’re at it, can I ask you a question?

    What the hell’s up with the tags? Eat at Joe’s and vomit at Beth’s? I’ve lost my one good eye? Your tags alone are a funny blog!

    Claire Collins

    June 9, 2009 at 5:57 am

    • Claire Collins, if I had a twin I’d have to contradict my previous statements and tell everyone I love twins. Wow, I’m an EVIL twin? Awesome. I think you’ve gotten it backwards. Farmer Brown is my farmer so Farmer John would have to have the “good rooster”, which makes sense, especially since Farmer Brown is always “eyeing me” carrying around that stained ax. I can’t believe you actually typed “Can I ask you a question”. Too much! My tags are a result of boredom and pointless experimentation. I’m happy that you noticed.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 9, 2009 at 10:04 pm

      • Farmer John said you belonged to him so he must have had your twin and it’s a case of mistaken identity. Since Farmer Brown is eyeing you with the bloody axe, I suggest you take the good roosters place and let Farmer John have at him.

        I’m going to type “Can I ask you a question” as much as possible.

        Now I have to go back and look at all of your tags.

        Claire Collins

        June 10, 2009 at 2:20 am

        • Claire Collins, I like it, the ol’ bait and switch, the ol’ you killed the “good twin” thinking it was the “evil twin” because I made you think I was the “good twin” because I am in fact the “evil twin”.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 10, 2009 at 3:34 am

          • Exactly. I think. At least we agree you’re the evil twin. I think.

            Can I ask you a question?

            Are you really the evil twin or are you secretly the good one pretending to be evil?

            Claire Collins

            June 10, 2009 at 4:30 am

            • Claire Collins, I am actually the clone of my evil twin that was cloned from the good twin after the original clone of the evil twin died by the hand of the good twin’s clone. Or so I’ve been told.

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 10, 2009 at 4:37 am

              • Which came first? The evil rooster or the good egg? you weren’t hatched.. you were created

                Claire Collins

                June 10, 2009 at 4:57 am

                • Claire Collins, the existential card you just turned is making me question everything. What if everything they ever told me was a lie? First it was evil twins, now it’s that I was never hatched, but created in some lab somewhere. I feel completely comfortable saying the evil rooster came first.

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 10, 2009 at 5:10 am

                • Claire Collins, not to take away from and to pause for props: “Which came first? The evil rooster or the good egg? you weren’t hatched.. you were created” is/was a fabulous comment.

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 10, 2009 at 5:11 am

  2. Weird prejudice, but well written, i had a chuckle

    Laura

    June 9, 2009 at 6:01 am

  3. I was just going to say that I think we must be twins. Then I read what Claire wrote and changed my mind, because you couldn’t possibly have two evil twins could you? I’ve always had a private distaste of twins myself! They also make me uncomfortable, even the hot girl ones selling Coors (although selling Coors is enough of a turnoff on its own.) Even the playboy bunny ones! It’s like that photo of Jenny McCarthy taking a shit, it just doesn’t do it for me.
    You know who else makes me nervous; midgets. I don’t know what it is, I’m actually a little bit afraid of them. I feel bad about it, I know they can’t help it, but it’s creepy, scary, and revolting. I think if there is a hell, they’ll be the little imps down there. I must have gotten the shit kicked out of me by Santa’s elves, when I was younger!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 9, 2009 at 7:48 am

    • Scott Oglesby, evil triplets?!?! Holy shit! I’ve never seen the picture you’re referring to, but if midgets bust into your house tonight and force you to look at wall size blow-ups of it, don’t blame me. I didn’t pay them to do it.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 9, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    • You could be evil twins, both of you, but I think one of you would have to be more evil. Who gets the title of more evil twin?

      Claire Collins

      June 10, 2009 at 2:22 am

      • Claire Collins, me, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeease!!!

        Ramblin' Rooster

        June 10, 2009 at 3:35 am

        • That’s a very good argument Rooster. Now we have to wait and see what Scott’s side is

          Claire Collins

          June 10, 2009 at 4:32 am

          • You know, I was going to say that I was by far the less lesser of the two evils until finding out that Rooster had paid midgets to burst into my home, make me wear something called ass chaps, and force me to look at a picture of Jenny McCarthy taking a dump. I am now forced to cede the title of evilest twin to the evil Rooster.

            My stepfather used to come home; he’d put a midget, a pair of ass chaps, and a picture of Jenny McCarthy taking a shit on the kitchen table. He’d say, “pick one!” I’d always pick the picture of Jenny McCarthy taking a shit. “Why?” you ask. “Because fuck him, that’s why!” (GWH)

            I’m also jealous that being 6 to 9 hours ahead of you both, I’m missing out on all this online witty banter. I have to wait until morning to even read your replies, much less join in all the fun. I am now the jealous twin!

            Scott Oglesby

            June 10, 2009 at 7:26 am

            • I forgot, Rooster- You must ‘google’ “Pic of Jenny McCarthy taking a shit” if you want to hold the title!

              Scott Oglesby

              June 10, 2009 at 7:30 am

              • Scott Oglesby, are you talking about the Candie’s ad? I thought it was lovely and is now hanging over my fireplace. How’s that for evil? Or is that just distasteful?

                Ramblin' Rooster

                June 11, 2009 at 4:15 am

            • Scott Oglesby, love the GWH play… instant classic! Don’t feel bad, you’re not missing out, you’re just fashionably late. So if I’m the evil twin and you’re the jealous twin, what’s that make Claire?

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 11, 2009 at 4:13 am

  4. If Scott’s 6 to 9 hours ahead of us, then why doesn’t he post before us instead of after us. For that matter, since he’s in the future, he should already know what we are going to say since we are in the past and he could really trump us with his foresight. or in his case, it would be hindsight wouldn’t it?

    Claire Collins

    June 11, 2009 at 4:45 am

    • Claire Collins, if you’ve finished the crime novel I think “Time Traveling Twins” is your next project.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 11, 2009 at 4:53 am

      • I wrote a mystery short story, but it’s still in first draft and I’m about to do rewrites. Then I have to go back to my latest novel and rewrite page one to put in my favorite rooster and then kill him post coitus in a horrible combine accident, but as soon as that’s done, I will start working on “Time traveling twins” starring an evil rooster and his jealous twin Scott of the Future.

        Claire Collins

        June 11, 2009 at 5:08 am

        • Claire Collins, well get crackin’ ’cause I want that book for Father’s Day. Don’t forget to add the third twin, (whenever you get around to giving yourself a proper character name/angle).

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 11, 2009 at 5:16 am

          • Since twins are two, and you two have already taken your titles, then I would have to be a triplet. And since you already killed the good twin, then assumed his identity to frame him as the bad twin, then I can’t be the good twin either.

            Head spinning yet. Yeah, mine too.

            So, here’s my list of Proper twinisms:

            The smart twin.
            The pretty twin.
            The nice twin.(Um guess not)
            uh
            the
            hmmm
            The sarcastic twin
            hell, I think I have to be the evil twin too, but I’m not nearly as evil as you, I think even Scott may be more evil than me.

            Why don’t you and Scott determine what kind of twin I am? Or triplet

            Claire Collins

            June 11, 2009 at 5:22 am

            • Claire Collins, but that’s what makes this so evil… THREE twins! What about Mama Twin?

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 12, 2009 at 4:04 am

              • Works for me. You’d be amazed how many people call me Mama.

                Claire Collins

                June 12, 2009 at 5:03 am

                • Claire Collins, you kids don’t count, that’s cheating. They have to call you that. So other than the mass hordes of construction workers and everyone on WordPress, who calls you mama?

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 13, 2009 at 4:49 am

                  • My kids actually don’t call me mama. They call me bear. And it’s funny you mention construction workers because I work for a heavy equipment company and many of them call me Mama. But they call me that because I tell them what to do. I’m supposed to tell them what to do though. Its going to sound bad no matter what isnt it?

                    Claire Collins

                    June 13, 2009 at 6:18 am

  5. How about those genetic freaks, the Bobbsey twins?

    It starts out innocently enough with them solving the case of the missing wooden Indian or some such bullshit, but 30 or so books later it’s nothing but snuff films, bodies in trunks and malevolent twin-powered telekinesis.

    Of course, I may be thinking of the Nancy Drew series. They all kind of run together when you can’t be bothered to do the research.

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    June 12, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, ahmm… actually the Bobbsey twins were based on real life twins that grew up in Poland in the late 1600’s. Their father was chief of security at the main castle that sold fireworks and bratwurst. The store was owned, operated and oddly enough burned down by a Nunci Drewski. Fun fact…

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 13, 2009 at 5:10 am


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