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Sweating In Unnatural Places

with 12 comments

It’s starting to get really hot where I live. Being outside is more of a sticky, humid, atmosphere than a “sun beating down” on you thing. It’s like hanging out in a small room running a dryer all day with a load of thick towels.


That being the case, I stopped into an ice cream parlor today for a cool and refreshing treat. Does anyone refer to them as parlors anymore? Am I six hundred years old? Anyway, I stepped into the creamery-cone-sales-store and was amazed at the temperature inside the building.


It was hotter inside the store than it was outside the store. I could feel the exhaust from the compressors of the cases and coolers swarming around my legs and creeping up my back to my neck. It was like “hot air” mosquitoes. I figured it was just one of those things. What could I do about it? It’s not as though this “bothersome air” was going to stop me from purchasing my frozen treat.


Once it was my turn to “belly-up to the bar”, the woman behind the counter didn’t even try to give me a cynical, non-heart felt greeting. “Welcome to Tasty Freeze, how may I help you, (but more importantly get you the hell out of the store so I can go back to doing nothing)?”


I didn’t care that she was void of personality or a customer service work ethic, so is the standard of today. What I did notice is that she was sweating profusely. How could she be sweating bullets when she’s leaning over a diary case with frozen things in them? Come to think of it, how can the frozen delectables stay frozen when it’s so hot in the store?


Again, I didn’t care. All I wanted was my yum-yum pleasure. So I ordered my “edible reward” and the first thing I hear is, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have any peanut butter.” Fine, what’s peanut butter? Is it really going to make or break my nummy-num-num? The next thing I hear is, “I’m sorry sir, we’re all out of malt.” Fine, peanut butter malt, vanilla shake, what’s the difference in the big scheme of things. Finally she turns around with the cup and says, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any lids or straws”. Fine, I didn’t want to protect it from spilling nor did I care about foreign contaminants falling into the open top and I really wanted a milk-stache for later anyway.


As she sets down the cup I see that the substance inside is moving quite freely, like water you might say and not like a thick, creamy, shake as the sign outside advertised. Apparently she made up the void of no peanut butter or malt with extra milk. Now since there was extra milk and the store was eleven hundred degrees, the 50% that was ice cream had already gone ahead and melted. “That’ll be six thirty-three” she said.


As I walked away with a lukewarm glass of milk, It thought, “It’s gonna be a great summer!”


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


12 Responses

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  1. Hey brother at least you do have ice-cream parlors/creameries!! None here in Spain, at least not where I’m living. Only that mass –produced plastic wrapped shit sold by ice creamery vans. Matter of fact, I can’t even buy regular milk here, and I still eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every night of my life since I have the maturity of a 7 year old. The only milk you can buy is this shit that doesn’t go bad. Doesn’t even have to be kept cold until you open it. Jesus, now I sound like I’m 600 years old and grumpy! In my day we would have walked 43 miles through hell to get our warm milk, and we would have god damn well better liked it!
    Originally when I read the title I thought I’d get to talk about how it’s weird that my balls seem to sweat more when I run than they used to. I’m mad I didn’t get to talk about that!
    Oh, could you mail me some Ben and Jerry’s?

    Scott Oglesby

    June 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    • Scott Oglesby, pb&j is only the greatest food combination ever made. It’s not juvenile, it’s God’s perfect taste sensation. I’m sorry you’re without an ice cream parlor. I’m sorry I misled you with the title. Perhaps I can repost it in the future and edit it to be about balls, ass and feet. The Ben and Jerry’s is on its way, I’m sure it will be tasty by the time it arrives.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 11, 2009 at 4:20 am

  2. Pb&j with chocolate milk and salty chips!! Perfect!
    Thanks for mailing the ice cream, it’ll be fine!
    Can’t wait for the repost! I didn’t want to mention the ass sweating in case you were eating a pb&j. It’s weird though isn’t it?

    Scott Oglesby

    June 11, 2009 at 6:05 am

    • Scott Oglesby, you must have one of those iron guts. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, nothing makes a pb&j come up faster than ass sweat. As far as sweating being weird, I guess you’ll just have to check out the repost.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 12, 2009 at 4:07 am

  3. Wow, sweating in unnatural places. I was afraid to read the post.
    I guess it is pretty unnatural to sweat in an ice cream store.

    Next time you go buy ice cream, if the store isn’t frosty inside, just turn around and go back out the door.

    Claire Collins

    June 12, 2009 at 2:18 am

    • Claire Collins, don’t tell me… let me guess… you don’t sweat, because you’re a lady. I’ve decided to never enter any establishment that sells any kind of food that isn’t temperature appropriate.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 12, 2009 at 4:11 am

      • I never claimed to be a lady. I do sweat. Can’t live in the desert and not sweat. That would be a true post about NOT sweating in natural places.

        I think the relation between food and appropriate temperatures is advice to live by.

        Claire Collins

        June 12, 2009 at 5:10 am

        • Claire Collins, you don’t have to make that claim, it’s obvious that you are. Hmmm, not sweating in the desert… that and Scott’s ass and ball sweat will make for a great repost. Thanks you guys, or guy and gal, or my fellow twins.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 13, 2009 at 4:51 am

  4. “We at Tastee Freeze are proud to offer up to one item from our menu on any given day. Rest assured, we theoretically use only the finest ingredients when available.

    Our staff has been put through a rigorous training course to assure you that only the faintest whiff of disdain will escape their glued-on faux-smiles.

    In an effort to minimize our impact on the planet, we have replaced our ruthlessly efficient air conditioning with malfunctioning window fans and employee body heat.

    If you have any suggestions on how we can improve your Tastee Freeze experience, please fill out a suggestion card, located on the floor of the third stall in the men’s restroom.

    Thanks again for choosing Tastee Freeze, home of the world-famous 24 oz. Vanilla Soup.”

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    June 12, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, I don’t care what anybody says; you paint the brightest and most uplifting pictures. You make shit sit up and sing

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 13, 2009 at 5:06 am

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