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Archive for June 14th, 2009

Standing In The Aisle

with 20 comments

Standing in an aisle might seem mundane of meaningless to you, but it’s really the best way to sum up a person without talking to them.


I think that online and speed dating should take place where they have aisles. You could pick who you’re attracted to and then see how they fair in the aisles.


“What’s all this ‘aisle testing’ you’re talking about RR?” You’re right, pretty rude of me to just jump off into it without explanation. Say no more.


For clarity, an aisle is a place where human traffic flows. It is the path between islands of merchandise or of that of which cannot be passed through, i.e. a wall or an eight foot display of John Madden holding cans of fast actin’ Tinactin.


Those who fail the aisle test are those who stop the flow of human traffic. There are many kinds of offenders all of which are bad.


  1. The “Socialite”. They stand and chit-chat with a friend of someone they just met or someone they want to kill because they slept with their boyfriend three years ago and they’ve never “had it out”. They are oblivious of the people that are trying to walk or use the aisle. They don’t feel bad for the bottlenecking they cause or accept responsibility for the spontaneous lane mergers which cause panic and confusion. As far as they’re concerned no one else is even alive.
  2. The “Loiterer”. They stand off to the side for no other reason than to stand off to the side. When they are alone they get a “creepy point” and when they have a friend in tow and both are completely quiet, award another five “creepy points”. They are a little more considerate for being off to the side, but the still cause traffic to move away from them. Having no business to conduct they are just in the way for no reason. No reason is instant annoyance. Annoyance is stressful. Stress kills, so in a way, this is a drawn out assassination attempt.
  3. The “Hogs”. These Hogs are usually with a friend and they apparently need to walk side by side at all times or they’ll burst into flames. They hang over the invisible centerline and refuse to yield to oncoming traffic. They have also been known to travel alone, wearing a leather jacket and sporting a less than ideal attitude. You must get out of their way lest ye be knocked down.
  4. The “Undecided”. They simply can’t make up their mind. They are, so in fact, involved with this life threatening decision that it does not matter if they are blocking, slowing or preventing traffic from moving or getting to the canned peaches. They can’t be bothered to move or simply slide over even if you stand in front of them trying to silently tell them, “Hey you’re in my way.”
  5. The “Flip Flopper”. They like to suddenly think of something they’ve forgotten somewhere behind them and they want to turn a 180 and walk through oncoming traffic. It is always sudden and without warning. Half of all walking accidents are caused by them.
  6. The other half of walking accidents are caused by this group of aisle dwellers, the “Downers”. They are involved with something. A phone, mp3 player, literature or most of the time just the ground itself. They are afraid of your eyes or ashamed of theirs, because you will never look into them.
  7. The “Speedster”. They’re in a hurry. So much in fact that they can’t wait for you. They cut and weave through traffic with no regard for safety or small children. It’s not their fault their legs are seven feet long and God gave them a fourteen foot stride. Make way lest ye be knocked down. They’ve got to be somewhere!
  8. The “Holdup”. They always travel in pairs and are the arch nemesis of the “Speedster”. They don’t have anywhere to be or go. It’s quite possible that they are learning how to walk or are experimenting with equilibrium altering technology, because their steps are half of the length of their foot. Traffic can back up for miles behind them and much like the “Hog” they don’t care to move or allow for passing.


The aisle is the only way to get to the other side. Please respect it.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster