Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Standing In The Aisle

with 20 comments

Standing in an aisle might seem mundane of meaningless to you, but it’s really the best way to sum up a person without talking to them.

 

I think that online and speed dating should take place where they have aisles. You could pick who you’re attracted to and then see how they fair in the aisles.

 

“What’s all this ‘aisle testing’ you’re talking about RR?” You’re right, pretty rude of me to just jump off into it without explanation. Say no more.

 

For clarity, an aisle is a place where human traffic flows. It is the path between islands of merchandise or of that of which cannot be passed through, i.e. a wall or an eight foot display of John Madden holding cans of fast actin’ Tinactin.

 

Those who fail the aisle test are those who stop the flow of human traffic. There are many kinds of offenders all of which are bad.

 

  1. The “Socialite”. They stand and chit-chat with a friend of someone they just met or someone they want to kill because they slept with their boyfriend three years ago and they’ve never “had it out”. They are oblivious of the people that are trying to walk or use the aisle. They don’t feel bad for the bottlenecking they cause or accept responsibility for the spontaneous lane mergers which cause panic and confusion. As far as they’re concerned no one else is even alive.
  2. The “Loiterer”. They stand off to the side for no other reason than to stand off to the side. When they are alone they get a “creepy point” and when they have a friend in tow and both are completely quiet, award another five “creepy points”. They are a little more considerate for being off to the side, but the still cause traffic to move away from them. Having no business to conduct they are just in the way for no reason. No reason is instant annoyance. Annoyance is stressful. Stress kills, so in a way, this is a drawn out assassination attempt.
  3. The “Hogs”. These Hogs are usually with a friend and they apparently need to walk side by side at all times or they’ll burst into flames. They hang over the invisible centerline and refuse to yield to oncoming traffic. They have also been known to travel alone, wearing a leather jacket and sporting a less than ideal attitude. You must get out of their way lest ye be knocked down.
  4. The “Undecided”. They simply can’t make up their mind. They are, so in fact, involved with this life threatening decision that it does not matter if they are blocking, slowing or preventing traffic from moving or getting to the canned peaches. They can’t be bothered to move or simply slide over even if you stand in front of them trying to silently tell them, “Hey you’re in my way.”
  5. The “Flip Flopper”. They like to suddenly think of something they’ve forgotten somewhere behind them and they want to turn a 180 and walk through oncoming traffic. It is always sudden and without warning. Half of all walking accidents are caused by them.
  6. The other half of walking accidents are caused by this group of aisle dwellers, the “Downers”. They are involved with something. A phone, mp3 player, literature or most of the time just the ground itself. They are afraid of your eyes or ashamed of theirs, because you will never look into them.
  7. The “Speedster”. They’re in a hurry. So much in fact that they can’t wait for you. They cut and weave through traffic with no regard for safety or small children. It’s not their fault their legs are seven feet long and God gave them a fourteen foot stride. Make way lest ye be knocked down. They’ve got to be somewhere!
  8. The “Holdup”. They always travel in pairs and are the arch nemesis of the “Speedster”. They don’t have anywhere to be or go. It’s quite possible that they are learning how to walk or are experimenting with equilibrium altering technology, because their steps are half of the length of their foot. Traffic can back up for miles behind them and much like the “Hog” they don’t care to move or allow for passing.

 

The aisle is the only way to get to the other side. Please respect it.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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20 Responses

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  1. Hahahaha, Hilarious! Another eloquent commentary on the fractured state of humanity, all part of the reason I choose the reclusive life in Spain!
    However, in the past; I could be accused of being ‘the flip-flopper’, and/or ‘the speedster’; depending on the day. My wife is definitely ‘the undecided’, no doubt about it. Have you ever seen a human being take 10 minutes picking out a frozen bag of peas? I have. I enjoy taking the responsibility for our shopping now. Alone!!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 14, 2009 at 8:52 am

    • Scott Oglesby, I haven’t had the frozen pea experience, thank goodness, (no offense) but I have had long periods of idle time in which I was forced to wait for someone’s indecision. She just didn’t do it in the aisle.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 15, 2009 at 3:25 am

  2. Brilliant!

    I hate shopping, which turns me into the “speedster.” However, I have shopped enough and worked enough in retail to recognize a completely fucked aisle with any combination of shoppers in it.

    The kind of aisle where you know it would be quicker to walk all the way down an adjacent aisle to get to the other side, rather than try to pick your way thru the human congestion.

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    June 14, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, yes, yes, and yes. The human traffic jam. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do…

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 15, 2009 at 3:27 am

  3. I am definitely one to walk two aisles over to zip through and get to the other side instead of wading through a mass of people.

    If I do find myself in a people pile, I will do anything possible to get out of it.

    Claire Collins

    June 15, 2009 at 12:25 am

    • Claire Collins, people pile? Are candles burning and Barry White is playing in the background? Pour me a glass of wine, ’cause I’m diving into that.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 15, 2009 at 3:34 am

      • Did you read this after you read CLT’s comment about nymphos parachuting in? Your comb is standing at attention. I had a mental picture of feathers flying everywhere as you jump into the pile.

        Claire Collins

        June 15, 2009 at 4:41 am

        • Claire Collins, my comb stood on end for the parachuting nymphs, but the “jumping into the pile” remark was in response to your line about “If I do find myself in a people pile”. That just caught my immature sense of humor.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 16, 2009 at 4:24 am

  4. Just be careful what you touch in the pile. You never know what belongs to who…

    Claire Collins

    June 16, 2009 at 5:08 am

    • Claire Collins, that’s what piles are all about. You lose the stereotypes, hang-ups and repression by grabbing on to a handful of unknown, fleshy, goo.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 16, 2009 at 5:35 am

      • If there’s a rooster in the middle of a people pile…

        would that make you the main pecker?

        Don’t groan. You knew it was coming.

        Claire Collins

        June 16, 2009 at 5:50 am

        • Claire Collins, those are groans of pleasure. I thought it was funny actually. Usually people just cut straight to the cock jokes.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 17, 2009 at 3:43 am

          • Groans of pleasure…

            Every now and then, you make a comment that seems so innocent, but is so NOT innocent.

            I already made the cock jokes too. But you were the one who took my donkey pinata hanging from the tree to be dirty

            Claire Collins

            June 17, 2009 at 4:03 am

            • Claire Collins, I can’t tell you how many ladies have taken my donkey pinata hanging from the tree. Is that dirty?

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 17, 2009 at 4:25 am

              • You let ladies tie you to a tree and beat you with a stick until things fall out? I would think they wouldn’t do that to someone hung like a donkey.

                Claire Collins

                June 17, 2009 at 4:31 am

                • Claire Collins, I just let the ladies do what they want, when they want, how they want, for as long as they want, as often as they want.

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 17, 2009 at 4:57 am

                  • Soon, you’re going to ban me from your blogs. We keep ending them this way!

                    You’re just so giving…

                    Claire Collins

                    June 17, 2009 at 5:05 am

                    • Claire Collins, it’s for you and the like that this blog is even written. You’ve got to be a giver to get given to. Although my English teacher just did a three sixty in their grave I think the meaning is valid.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 18, 2009 at 4:18 am

  5. “You’ve got to be a giver to get given to.”

    My editor just did the same 360 but he isn’t dead, unless that line gave him a heart attack.

    Personally, I find that line beautiful. Poetic even.

    Claire Collins

    June 18, 2009 at 4:40 am

    • Claire Collins, thanks. I just thought of it. Tell your editor that I won’t buy him/her lunch.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 18, 2009 at 5:10 am


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