Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Rockin’ Double Pony

with 16 comments

I love hair. I love to smell and feel it and swim in it. I like finding it in my food and when it tickles my nose while it shares my pillow. I like when it sneaks into to my mouth and when I pull long strands out like spaghetti. I like when hair whaps me in the face when I’m driving with the windows down. I just love hair.

 

I love women’s hair. I love it so much I could just take a pile of their hair out on a date and do without the lady. I’m talking about totally redefining the term “hair pie”. Anyway, ladies, I love your hair and all the things you do with it except for ONE THING.

 

I don’t know if you know this or not, but ponytails are for balding men. They just have it down, way better than you could ever get yours to look. Your ponies may look cute with the one or two strands falling out, curving around and framing your beautiful face, but it’s just so sloppy. A balding man’s pony is tight and pristine. There’s no slippage or disobedient hairs among the bunch, (if you can even call it a bunch).

 

Women have no respect for their ponytails. They don’t care about them at all. When a woman is sporting a ponytail it’s because she’s too lazy to “fix” her hair. When a man who’s completely bald on top has taken the time and courage to grow out the “backside” to get a pony going it’s all he cares about. Hell, it’s all he has.

 

I like when a balding man sports the ponytail and accents the look with the one, medium sized, gold hoop, earring. To me that’s a man with very particular taste. He knows that he’s a “Billy badass” and he’s not going to stop and entertain the spontaneous laughter that erupts after he’s made an appearance. To him it’s a coincidence that people bust out laughing after he leaves the room.

 

Despite all of this, the most incredible hair style in the entire universe is the double pony. Sorry mullet lovers have another Natural Light and let it go. The double pony is the greatest invention of hair feng shui, (pronounced funky shit) that man could comprehend. If you’re not hip, the double pony consists of hair up front and on top of the head that’s not long enough to get all the way to the back for a regular “one clump” ponytail. The wearer pulls the bangs directly back and ties it off. Then they take the hair in back and pull it into a more traditional, but rather small, ponytail. Thus the head now has not one, but two mini-ponytails. Awesome!

 

Although not as awesome as the double pony, the samurai is pretty cool. If the double pony is rock n’ roll, then the samurai is soft rock, classic hits. The samurai is or course the pony that puts the “tail” straight up off the back of the head like an antenna or human hat rack.

 

Some people will try to tell you that a samurai pony is a double pony without the lower part tied back. If you know anyone saying this please tell me, because I always chop their head off with my samurai sword.

 

I have an awesome human head collection.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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16 Responses

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  1. “I have an awesome human head collection.”

    Are any of them bald? Do you put wigs on them? Do you style the hair of the ones who have hair? Were you a hairdresser in a former life?

    As a side note, You drink raw eggs? Wouldn’t that be cannibalism?
    And you slept with my mother? She didn’t mention you…

    Claire Collins

    June 17, 2009 at 4:53 am

    • Claire Collins, that’s a lot of questions.
      Are any of them bald? YES
      Do you put wigs on them? SOMETIMES, HATS TOO
      Do you style the hair of the ones who have hair? ONLY WHEN I CAN’T STAND THEIR STYLE
      Were you a hairdresser in a former life? I DON’T REMEMBER, BUT IT MAKES SENSE NOW THAT YOU SAY IT
      As a side note, You drink raw eggs? YES
      Wouldn’t that be cannibalism? I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT, THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE
      And you slept with my mother? She didn’t mention you… THAT’S BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T HAVE A HEAD ANYMORE

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 17, 2009 at 5:01 am

      • Drinking eggs ruined your life? Look what you did to my mother!

        I have really long hair. Reddish brownish blondish, kinda curly but not really. I do a single ponytail when I get home from work every day but I never wear a ponytail to work except the one day a year we do inventory. I’ve never done a double pony but I may be guilty of the samarai pony.

        Is that strange?

        Claire Collins

        June 17, 2009 at 5:08 am

        • Claire Collins, I didn’t know drinking raw eggs was cannibalistic until you made me conscious of it and your mother has never been happier. As far as your ponies, they aren’t strange, just typical, (typical penis envy this is…).

          Ramblin' Rooster

          June 18, 2009 at 4:19 am

          • You have penis envy over my ponies? You’re the one with the donkey appendage.

            Claire Collins

            June 18, 2009 at 4:52 am

            • Claire Collins, no, no, no, you have penis envy, because only men should wear ponies, ’cause they’re cool. Keep your hair long and flowing for the romance novelist inside of you, (and the occasional construction worker).

              Ramblin' Rooster

              June 18, 2009 at 5:14 am

              • I’ve never been accused of having Penis envy. My hair gets in the way but I don’t want to cut it so up it goes. Roosters don’t have ponytails, they have rooster tails.

                Claire Collins

                June 18, 2009 at 5:28 am

                • Claire Collins, you should see me try and pull my tail into a pony… what a disaster.

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  June 19, 2009 at 4:46 am

                  • You would not believe the mental pictures I just got.

                    Claire Collins

                    June 19, 2009 at 5:13 am

                    • Claire Collins, I don’t know if I’d Ripley’s believe it or not your mental picture… You didn’t tell me what it was!

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 19, 2009 at 5:42 am

                    • A rooster hung like a donkey trying to put his tail in a pony…

                      Claire Collins

                      June 19, 2009 at 6:32 am

                    • Claire Collins, that’s a great recap and has brought to light an angle of myself I never thought I’d see.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      June 20, 2009 at 4:40 am

  2. I have a double pony tail, on my chest not head. Each one dangles 2 inches down from just under the nipple and is held secure by a silver weave elastic to match my nipple rings. I like them but have found using my chest expander requires more concentration now than before

    justsomebloke

    June 17, 2009 at 9:11 am

    • justsomebloke, that sounds awesome! If ever a more powerful portrait of “too cool” was told, I know not of it. Thanks for sharing and commenting!

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 18, 2009 at 4:35 am

  3. The samurai is by far my favourite. I’ve always wanted one but never went through with whatever I’d have to do to wear it like that.
    I think I’m starting to get a little thin on top. If I can’t do the pony with earring, can I do the shaved head with two earrings? Like an aging Andre Agassi. He looked alright with that look, no? Tell me what to do, because now I’m all confused.
    BTW-It puts the conditioner in the basket or else it gets the hose again!!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 17, 2009 at 10:23 am

    • Scott Oglesby, shaved head, two earrings, that like Mr. Clean’s eccentric cousin… I love it! I can’t tell you what to do, but I do have your adorable little dog down here in the pit with me.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 18, 2009 at 4:37 am


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