Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

with 6 comments

Tonight was a rough night, filled with tension and drama. It was one of those nights where you can’t fully react or know just how it’s going to affect you because the events were so major that it takes time for it to all sink in. What’s the hubbub you ask? One of my bitches got out of line and I had to raise the “pimp hand” to her.

 

I’ll spare you the details of what transpired, but let’s just say it involved hiding money, drug use, scratches to a newly detailed, 2008 Cadillac Escalade and a snub-nosed .38.

 

Now before you feminists and feminist supporters go gettin’ your panties in a twist over my use of the word “bitches” please know that this, I’m not using it in a derogatory or degrading manner. I’m using in the professional tense, as in my gaggle of prostitutes.

 

Big Daddy Kane was really on to something, pimpin’ ain’t easy. It requires personnel, marketing, management, arithmetic, and above all else discipline, which I like to call “tough love”. It’s not enough to have one or two of these qualities. You must possess them all if you really want to make it in the game.

 

The other hurdle is the enforcement of your law. You can’t let your bitches get “uppity” or out of line. EVER! One bad apple is all it takes to ruin the bunch and having to buildup your hen house from scratch is time consuming and costs you money on the streets.

 

The first time you raise the pimp hand can be traumatic. The worse thing that can happen is that you hurt your hand in the process. Nothing is more humiliating than hurting yourself while enforcing the law. It’ll ruin the pimp in an instant. If you do hurt yourself, you should probably find another career, but if you’re determined, just don’t let anyone see your pain.

 

Then the question of technique comes into to play. Do I use the palm or the back side of my hand? Do I use the hand with my gigantic pinky ring or the hand with the four finger ring? All of these are excellent questions, but sadly there is no right or wrong answer. It’s all trial and error. You have to find a style that works for you. Just be sure to “hold back” a little, you wouldn’t want to hurt the merchandise too much. Bruised bitches are like bruised fruit, nobodies gonna buy them.

 

Finally always remember that pimpin’ is WORK. It’s not about cars, furs, gold and reputation. It’s about MONEY and to make the most money you need to be professional. Take it seriously and take care of your business. Even though you need to keep your “house” in order, be sure and treat your bitches nice every once in awhile. Buy them a new thong or thigh-high, leather, stiletto boots from time to time. Neglect is the fastest way to keep your business from steady flow and growth.

 

Once a month I take all my bitches to the movies.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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6 Responses

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  1. Load ’em up in the trailer and take ’em to the drive-in.

    Claire Collins

    June 21, 2009 at 6:15 am

  2. See, that’s why I play tennis so much, you gotta keep that pimp hand strong! I agree with Claire, take them to the drive in! As an enterprising young pimp you can even make a few bucks while you’re there! That’s the beauty of a drive in!

    Scott Oglesby

    June 21, 2009 at 7:39 am

  3. I’m with CC on this, only I would have said “carwash.”

    I assume you’re starting small. Does your five-year plan include the step up to “Big Pimpin'” or will you be offering franchise opportunites for those interested in “Medium Pimpin?”

    http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/medium-pimpin/

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    June 21, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, first Scott, now you. The ideas are awesome! Here I thought prostitutes were only good for one thing, boy was I wrong. Franchise opportunities are always available.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      June 22, 2009 at 3:33 am


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