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Archive for July 9th, 2009

Smell My Macho Finale

with 13 comments

If you remember, a little while back, I was trying to join M.A.A. (Macho Association of America). I really wanted to be macho and live a life in tight spandex pants, with little to no brain activity and aggressively “flexing” at everyone who walked by me. I sent in a letter of application and was so sure that I’d be accepted.

 

My rejection letter arrived today. I don’t know if you can call a single piece of paper, written in crayon, reading, “PUSSY!” a true rejection letter, but nonetheless it sure felt that way, ‘cause I felt rejected.

 

Not the kind of rejected you feel when you’re picked last for teams at school, or when a girl says no to a sleazy pickup line, but rejected as in failure.

 

Where do you go from here? Most guys would just curl up for a good cry followed by a protein shake. Me? I hoped on my scooter and went to the gym, (aka M.A.A. headquarters) to demand the reason I was rejected.

 

Halfway there I was run over by a tractor trailer, (ironically hauling tractor parts). The next thing I remember I was walking through the clouds just like in that movie ‘Down To Earth’ the remake of ‘Heaven Can Wait’ the remake of ‘Here Comes Mr. Jordan’.

 

At the gates, an angel looking fella asked me, “What’s your deal?” To which I replied, “Nothing really, just hanging out.” “The angelesque dude said, “Why are you here?” After a thoughtful pause I replied, “I dunno.” “Be gone with you then!” he shouted as he slapped me in the forehead with the butt of his hand.

 

I came to in a vat of cotton candy at the state fair. A man grabbed me by the legs and swirled me around the drum several times collecting wads of puffed sugar, then handed me to a child. The child, walking hand in hand with his mother, went to take a bite. I let out a, “cacaw!” and fluttered away.

 

As I turned around I found my self on a stage, in a bikini contest. I walked up and down the runway, strutting my stuff pretty hard, (if I do say so myself). The votes were in and I didn’t win. Instead Heidi from Glickskinstuitruclizhen took the award.

 

I went and sat back stage, beak propped up by my wing, feeling sorry for myself. Heidi came over and sat down next to me. “What’s wrong little bird?” “I wanted to be macho, but I couldn’t.” I said in my most pitiful voice. “Why would you want to be macho? I think macho guys are a real turn off.” Then she stood up and walked off feeling good about herself. I laid down in the baby oil puddle she left behind and thought about what she said, and you know what? I can’t believe I lost to that stupid bitch!

 

So I’ve given up the quest for macho and I’m ready to talk about my feelings again to strangers at the bus stop.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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