Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Smell My Macho Finale

with 13 comments

If you remember, a little while back, I was trying to join M.A.A. (Macho Association of America). I really wanted to be macho and live a life in tight spandex pants, with little to no brain activity and aggressively “flexing” at everyone who walked by me. I sent in a letter of application and was so sure that I’d be accepted.

 

My rejection letter arrived today. I don’t know if you can call a single piece of paper, written in crayon, reading, “PUSSY!” a true rejection letter, but nonetheless it sure felt that way, ‘cause I felt rejected.

 

Not the kind of rejected you feel when you’re picked last for teams at school, or when a girl says no to a sleazy pickup line, but rejected as in failure.

 

Where do you go from here? Most guys would just curl up for a good cry followed by a protein shake. Me? I hoped on my scooter and went to the gym, (aka M.A.A. headquarters) to demand the reason I was rejected.

 

Halfway there I was run over by a tractor trailer, (ironically hauling tractor parts). The next thing I remember I was walking through the clouds just like in that movie ‘Down To Earth’ the remake of ‘Heaven Can Wait’ the remake of ‘Here Comes Mr. Jordan’.

 

At the gates, an angel looking fella asked me, “What’s your deal?” To which I replied, “Nothing really, just hanging out.” “The angelesque dude said, “Why are you here?” After a thoughtful pause I replied, “I dunno.” “Be gone with you then!” he shouted as he slapped me in the forehead with the butt of his hand.

 

I came to in a vat of cotton candy at the state fair. A man grabbed me by the legs and swirled me around the drum several times collecting wads of puffed sugar, then handed me to a child. The child, walking hand in hand with his mother, went to take a bite. I let out a, “cacaw!” and fluttered away.

 

As I turned around I found my self on a stage, in a bikini contest. I walked up and down the runway, strutting my stuff pretty hard, (if I do say so myself). The votes were in and I didn’t win. Instead Heidi from Glickskinstuitruclizhen took the award.

 

I went and sat back stage, beak propped up by my wing, feeling sorry for myself. Heidi came over and sat down next to me. “What’s wrong little bird?” “I wanted to be macho, but I couldn’t.” I said in my most pitiful voice. “Why would you want to be macho? I think macho guys are a real turn off.” Then she stood up and walked off feeling good about herself. I laid down in the baby oil puddle she left behind and thought about what she said, and you know what? I can’t believe I lost to that stupid bitch!

 

So I’ve given up the quest for macho and I’m ready to talk about my feelings again to strangers at the bus stop.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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13 Responses

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  1. Hahahaha! Well, you had a very busy and strange day. Are you back on earth? (Metaphorically and literally.)

    alantru

    July 9, 2009 at 4:45 am

    • alantru, I’m still doing a couple of laps in the outer atmosphere. Meet you at “Lucky’s” for drinks on Saturday?

      Ramblin' Rooster

      July 10, 2009 at 3:12 am

  2. I can’t believe you lost to that birdbrain either! Strut your stuff. Be cocky. Macho is overrated.

    Claire Collins

    July 9, 2009 at 5:09 am

    • Claire Collins, I know! I just wanted to win that damn contest, but now that I think about it, getting greased up and being under hot lights isn’t a good idea for a rooster, (or any bird for that matter).

      Ramblin' Rooster

      July 10, 2009 at 3:14 am

      • Haha! Um no, I guess it wouldn’t be a very good idea would it?

        The cotton candy part is interesting. You’re concerned about being roasted, but you had no problem being licked and melting in someones mouth?

        Claire Collins

        July 10, 2009 at 5:16 am

        • Claire Collins, there’s an old saying… better to melt in your mouth than in your hand.

          Ramblin' Rooster

          July 11, 2009 at 4:46 am

          • I do believe a man first said that…

            Claire Collins

            July 11, 2009 at 6:00 am

            • Claire Collins, a man? I thought it was the red M&M that said it.

              Ramblin' Rooster

              July 12, 2009 at 3:26 am

              • The red M&M is a male. He says, “Melt in your mouth and not in your hand.”

                I believe the only female M&M is green. She’s the one running around just saying, “Eat me! Eat me!”

                Claire Collins

                July 12, 2009 at 3:33 am

  3. A tractor-trailer hauling tractor parts- pure literary genius my friend!

    So where were we before the A-92 arrived last week? Yes, now I recall. Would you like to carry on about how your mother put you in timeout when you were 5 and at a birthday party, even though it was little Billy that broke the lamp?

    Scott Oglesby

    July 9, 2009 at 7:33 am

    • Scott Oglesby, where was I? In the pen as always. I’d rather not talk about timeouts and birthday parties… if that’s alright.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      July 10, 2009 at 3:19 am

  4. Tough break on the whole “macho” thing. I’m sure the bus stop strangers will be happy to help you work through this, as they will probably be the only ones who can follow this type of narrative.

    Be aware of their attempts to insert their own randomness, though. Could take your metaphor into horrifying new dimensions.

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    July 11, 2009 at 6:33 pm


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