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Archive for August 2009

Awkward Moments

with 12 comments

In today’s world, awkward has really lost its power. There use to be a time when awkward made people want to kill themselves. These days awkward is used to sum up or describe the most mundane of experiences.


“So I was asked him if he liked Duran Duran and he never answered. Talk about awkward.” “I say Carlita at the mall buying a ‘Thigh Master’. It was really awkward.” I’m sorry to inform you, it’s not awkward, it’s silliness.


Here’s an example of awkwardness:


Say what you will about the testament of marriage, nothing can stop a wife from becoming despondent after walking in on you having an “intimate moment” with a vacuum.


You can try clever and witty defense maneuvers like:


“What time is it? I thought the thing ended at eight.”


“Ha, ha, pretty funny, huh?”


“You always said you wanted me to clean around the house.”


“These attachments really do make all the difference.”


“How can this be dirty?”


“Look at the bright side, at least your sister’s not here this time.”


Come on, you can’t tell me that the inventor of the vacuum didn’t try it at least once. I for one believe that it was it’s first intention.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster



—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was “Age”

Congratulations to Anjali for the correct answer. You win Claire Collins championship trophy, because let’s face it; she’s had it long enough.


Tonight’s riddle:


Why does the cafeteria clock always run slowly?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Action Figure

with 10 comments

I don’t know when the last time you picked up an action figure was, but it’s astounding. They have more moving parts than I do. The points of articulation range in the upper teens to the mid thirties. It’s like some kind of miniature man genius is locked up in a laboratory/factory making God-like, plastic encased, history.


Quick fact sheet about Action figures:


Action figures are not sold or marketed for children.


Action figures can be valued in the hundreds to even thousands of dollars.


Action figures aren’t meant to be played with.


People who collect action figures make geeks and nerds look “sporting” “suave” and “devilishly attractive”.


Action figure is a pathetic attempt to make “doll” seem masculine, i.e. there is no “action” in an action figure.


Toys are amazing molds of plastic. They give children something to loose, break and leave out in the middle of a heavy trafficked, barefoot, walkway. When I was a kid, most action figures were paraplegics. I didn’t care, it was my imagination that made them move, not their remarkable engineering.


I can’t believe Transformers have made a comeback. This is the worst action figure, (to play with) ever. Don’t get me wrong, the “transforming” part is cool, but once it was done there wasn’t much you could do with it. They were about as durable as a paper plate. To quote Tom Hanks’ character from ‘Big’, “and this is robot that turns into a building. What’s fun about playing with a building?”


The other day I was walking through the toy aisle and I say a sign reading, “Creative Play”. On the shelf was ninja gear, cowboy gear and more guns than the South Central evidence room. Good to know that creative is synonymous with assassination and “shoot ‘em up”. “Look at little Jimmy pretending to slice off Billy’s head. They’re so creative, aren’t they?”


To be honest, this is all in preparation for the launching of my own Ramblin’ Rooster action figure. I’m still trying to decide if I want the jelly bean, rear exit hatch feature to be incorporated.


Now you tell me, if you were going to be an action figure, what accessories or features would you have?


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster



—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was “Fruit Fly”

No one got the right answer, which is too bad, because this week’s prize was a brand new Mercedes E Class, (2010). Oh well…


Tonight’s riddle:


What goes up, but never comes down?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Guest Towels

with 16 comments

In keeping with the germaphob, (because I still refuse to call it Spermatophobia) theme from last week, tonight is about visiting someone’s house, more particularly using the bathroom at someone’s house.


I like to use the bathroom when the urge presents itself. I’m not the kind of person that likes it buckle over in pain because I’d rather hold things inside rather than share them with a strange toilet. Call me crazy… CRAZY! Stop it.


Before you get excited or disgusted, this post isn’t about the actual happenings of using the bathroom, the sights, smells, sounds or a wild, Hollywood romantic-comedy subplot about overflowing toilets and nightmarish mishaps. This blog takes place after all is said and done.


Guest towels! Washing your hands is a must after using the bathroom, whether you work in the food industry or not, (i.e. it’s not just for employees anymore). I like to wash my hands thirty-eight times a day. Call me crazy… CRAZY! I said stop that.


The problem I have is when I finish washing my hands. There are several problems that occur.


  1. There is no hand towel – (the most obvious problem, yet in the end the most easy to deal with. I use my armpits as a towel or style my hair. Sometimes I rub my face and the back of my neck. The guest thinks I was sweating and wonders what I was doing in there. Gives them something to talk about after I leave.)
  2. There is no hand towel, but there is a bath towel hanging equally spaced between the shower and the sink – (this is difficult to gauge. Depending on where you are, the owner may not believe in “hand towels” thus this giant bath towel could in fact be the hand towel. Then again, if it is a bath towel the thought of drying your newly cleaned hands where Frank dried his ass is more than just a little disturbing. Go with option #1.)
  3. A hand towel is present, but it’s crusty, or stained, or has dried toothpaste on it, or it smells of mildew, nachos and cigar smoke – (nothing is worse than a brown hand towel, especially if the towel’s natural color isn’t brown. The safest bet on any hanging hand towel is to gently blot dry at the top of the towel, along the fold where it hangs from the ring or bar. Most people dry using the front or back of the hanging towel thus leaving the top virtually clean.)


Best bet is to always carry your own hand towel wherever you go. If you think this behavior is too weird or will make you standout in the crowd you can do what I do and buy an entire wardrobe of bowling clothes. This way you can seem like an avid sportsman who’s always coming over after a tournament game.


Carrying a bag with an actual bowling ball is optional. It’s up to you how far you want to take it.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster




—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was “All months have 28 days”

Congratulations to Claire (riddle champion-hat-tricker) for the correct answer with honorary victories going to Capitalist Lion Tamer and Scott for answers bearing humorous motive. This week’s prize is a $10 TGIF gift card, (in honor of Scott’s favorite restaurant). CLT and Scott can sit with Claire and watch her eat dessert. Have fun!


Tonight’s riddle:


What do you call a zipper on a banana?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Laundromats Not Laundry Mats

with 34 comments

This week the dryer went on the fritz. I was going to fix it, but then I flashed to every “do it yourself” themed nightmare Capitalist Lion Tamer has posted and I was afraid. (excerpts-from-the-timelife-books-amateur-handyman-series-vol-2) Yes afraid of dying or at the very least catching fire. So what is a family of five to do, go naked? No, no, something much worse, a trip to the Laundromat.


I don’t know who invented the Laundromat, but they mus… what’s that? J.F. Cantrell? Who’s that? Oh… OK. Well, J.F. Cantrell must have been one sick puppy.


In my early years, (like about a week ago) I was known as somewhat of a “germaphob”. What’s that? Spermatophobia or Spermophobia? What are you talking about? What do you mean that’s the technical term for “germaphobia”? It sounds so disgusting? What’s the term for being afraid of hearing Spermatophobia?


Anyway, a Laundromat is by far the most disgusting thing living today in our culture. To me a public washing machine is like taking all the used hotel room sheets, diapers, tampons, toilet paper, tissues, condoms and trash can liners in the world and making soup. Now, just add your clothes to marinate.


You can argue that there’s soap in there, but if you were to come to my house I’m sure you’d be less than enthusiastic about taking the soap from my shower and rubbing in on your face. Soap is neither an antibody nor a cure for any disease. You don’t cure yourself of hepatitis by “washing it off”. Believe me, I’ve tried.


Let’s say you are of the personality type that grinding the pubic skin cells of the general public into every textile you own doesn’t bother you. There are other nightmares waiting for you.


Once you’ve got your “load in” you’re now faced to deal with “ideal time”. Most of us can’t handle the strain of ideal time sitting in the comfort of our home, let alone stuck in a building with strangers and a mountain of quarters.


Add some small children crying, screaming and running. Throw in an old man hacking and coughing in the corner blazing up a good quarter cigar under the prominent “Thank you for not smoking” sign. Don’t forget that no trip to the Laundromat would be complete without the joy of being subjected to a couples “personal conversation” regardless of how high you turn the volume up on your mp3 player. Some things you can’t push out of your mind like, “I got super drunk and had sex with my step dad.”


If I ever lead an army to destroy civilization, stay clear of Laundromats. They’re first on my list.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster


—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was Edam, (too easy, hope you’re lovin’ this CLT).

Congratulations to justsomebloke, Claire, and Capitalist Lion Tamer. Scott figured it out, but never actually typed the answer. You all get to split the $10 Applebee’s gift card that was the grand prize, (I’d suggest inviting Scott so he doesn’t get sore).


Tonight’s riddle:


What month has twenty-eight days?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Bugs Need to Talk With Birds

with 20 comments

I just got off the road from a long highway travel via my automobile. I was driving along the back roads of America, the ol’ two lane highway, or as my grandpa use to call them, the “Chicken Expressway”. We use to think that was pretty funny, until the accident.


When I pulled up in the driveway and got out to walk inside the house I noticed the flying insect massacre or abstract bug-gut painting on the front of my car. Now it’s not that I don’t appreciate modern art, but this was a little too much. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been as annoyed by this mass act of suicide had I not spent the weekend before meticulously scrubbing the grill of my car with my brother-in-law’s toothbrush.


It’s gettin’ to be where I almost don’t want to drive my car anymore, as though something always wants to “spread” itself over the front of my car. Unfortunately it’s never a Swedish, biker, model, Greek goddess of amorous pleasure. Although I’d bet her guts would be the harder to wash off.


This is what I want, for the birds of the world to sit down with the insects of the world and have “a talk”. Here are the topics I’d like them to go over.


1-     Birds to Bugs: If you fly in the 10’ to 15’ (or higher) airspace above the ground you can avoid being killed by the giant metal beasts moving at alarming speeds.

2-     Bugs to Birds: Take your waste product to a place that no one will know where it went. On the hood, across the windshield and especially on door handles is unacceptable and on a shoulder could yield “poisonous seed”.

3-     Birds to Bugs: Stay away from hairless ape’s ears and food. That’s a good way to get killed.

4-     Bugs to Birds: If you continue to rely on “feeders”, trash cans and old people in the park you won’t be able to sustain life after the “white flash” that claims the hairless apes of the world.


There could be other discussions, perhaps a short Q and A and of course refreshments. It doesn’t have to be as stuffy or rigid as I’ve made it out to be. It could be a good time had for all.


I just think it would help us all out if the “flying things” of the world got it a little more together.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster




—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was of course a library, (I know too easy).

Congratulations to Claire, Scott and Fundamentaljelly for being so smart and crafty.


Tonight’s riddle:


What kind of cheese is made backwards?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!