Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Archive for October 2009

Lawn Chair Basketball

with 18 comments

This weekend I went to visit my “career alcoholic” best friend. The thing I love most about hanging out with drunken people is their ability to say, “Yes” to anything you ask them with no hesitation or thought process at all.

 

Here’s an example, “Hey, can we take your lawn chairs and play basketball with them?” “Uheeesss…” “Is that a yes?” “Uhesssss”.

 LCBB02

 

Game on!

 

 

 

 

Sadly the game ended in a one to one tie. All the chairs were broken before a winner could be decided.

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Parked Cars”

The winner is Clott Lion Ogltameins. Please enjoy your prize, which this week is a sack of jelly beans that I found in the garage at my “career alcoholic’s” house.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What is the largest ant in the world?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

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Taking It All In

with 24 comments

Please note this is not a review of the 1997 adult film.

 

This week I was driving around the outskirts of my hometown. All of a sudden I blew a tire out on my car. Whoa, talk about scary! I was driving with my knee trying to roll a doobie while reaching into the back seat to get another beer, so it was kind of hard to keep control of the vehicle.

 

I got out and surveyed the tire. I went to the trunk to get the spare when I realized that I had removed the spare in order to make room for my custom woofer-box that pumps 440,000 watts through 118 speakers. Yes, it is worth it even in this unfortunate incident. [Note to self: put spare tire in back seat.]

 

Oh well, I thought. I’ll just hoof it to the nearest gas station and call a tow truck. This thought came after the realization that I had placed my cell phone on the roof of the car when I left the strip club to pick my mom up for her doctor’s appointment. [Note to self: replace cell phone.]

 

Not knowing where a gas station is, because my car runs on banana peels and soles from Chuck Taylor’s, I started off in a random direction, which lead me to a giant hill.

 

After climbing the six foot, three strand barb wire fence, clearly marked, “Do Not Enter”, I climbed to the top of this great peak. Once atop the mountain I saw a great valley filled with seagulls. Which I thought was very interesting since I live 22,000 miles from any body of water.

 

What was even more interesting was the large dump truck looking vehicles and bulldozers. My guess is that they were preparing the grounds of what I believed to be some kind of Midwest seagull sanctuary.

 

It really looked like their work was cut out for them too, because the ground was covered in plastic and refuse. I thought this was an odd place for a bird sanctuary, but the seagulls certainly didn’t mind. They appeared to be in hog heaven. They didn’t even seem to be afraid of the bulldozers.

 

I sat down on the top of the hill and just breathed in the wonderment of man and nature blending together so well, so harmonious, so loving. It really is a wonderful world we live in.

 

If you would like to donate to the Midwest seagull sanctuary, please send your check or money order to the Walcomb county waste management department. [Note to self: Write letter asking why they’d call the bird sanctuary a land fill.]

 

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Anything you want, he can’t hear you with fingers in his ears”. What’s with all the booing?

As always, everyone’s a winner because I enjoy your response so much. Enjoy another week of peanut butter covered orgy fun in Costa Rica on me!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do lazy dogs chase?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Farewell Sweet Nothings

with 38 comments

The other day I was installing a sky light in my darkroom and I started thinking about sweet nothings. What I thought was, “What the hell is a sweet nothing?” I imagine they’re something like:

 

“My heart forever together loving touches precious.”

 

OR

 

“Lovely silk caress hair flowing skin bright eyes heat.”

 

I mean really what bigger oxymoron is there than “sweet nothing”, why do they exist and who wants them?

 

After I installed my retractable awning in my living room I received a call from my neighbor to ask me to stop mowing my shag carpet so late at night. After a heated conversation I hung up. After I use my phone I always wipe clean the screen. I’ve noticed a lot of people wiping their phones when their done, since most all phones have a rather large screen as their face plate.

 

I looked at me phone before I wiped it clean and took notice of how greasy it was. Is my ear that greasy I thought? What does my ear do to get so dirty? So I decided to do a little experiment.

 

I cut off a sliver of my ear and threw it in a frying pan. Sure enough no food I fired stuck to my skillet. On a negative note all of my dinner guests died with clogged arteries.

 

My point in all of this is that I will no longer nibble, lick, bite, kiss and whisper in anyone’s ear ever again since I now know that ears are the dirtiest, greasiest things in the world.

 

Thanks cell phone world for educating me in the filthiness of the ear and ruining all the sweet nothings I could have hoped to share with the world. “World butt massage rubbing thigh lips down hole.” Know what I’m saying? Me neither.

 

Throw another ear in the frying pan, I need some comfort sausages.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Towel”, too easy, huh?

Claire didn’t even log in a guess, what the hell?!?! The prize goes to Scott for his correct answer. The prize? A year’s supply of Jif peanut butter and two tickets to Costa Rica, (on the condition that he has to take CLT for his amazing wrong, but so right answer. That’s what happens when Claire doesn’t play). Wait Claire just chimed in, not with a correct answer, but since she is the reigning champ I’m throwing in a third ticket. Have fun with that peanut butter!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do you call a homeless man with a finger in each ear?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Satan Alive at the Gassy Sip

with 20 comments

I’ve never been one to play religion, nor have I ever worried where my soul was going to magically transcend to after I got hit by a bus. Things were all fine and well until I innocently waltz into a ‘Gassy Sip’ thinking I was there for concession.

 

After making a delicious, refreshing and moderately priced, custom flavored 32 ounce beverage I went to the counter to pay. “Can I get a pack of Tar Picks” I asked. Why not, cigarettes go great with soda pop.

 

“That’ll be $6.66” the eleven year old clerk told me. I did a spit take, (except I had no liquid in my mouth which really killed the effect). It was then I noticed his eyes. They were glowing red and smoke came from his nostrils, like the bull from ‘Looney Tunes’.

 

I’ll admit I was more than a little freaked out, but two cigarettes later, I had forgotten the whole thing like a girl’s name whom was nice enough to let you “violate her” in the men’s room.

 

Thing of it is, six weeks have passed and I’ve been compelled to do evil. I’ve stopped picking up my paper wad mini-basketballs that miss the trash can. I drop my aluminum can in the “Plastic Only” containers. I spit off of buildings onto busy streets. I’ve stopped tipping. I’ve sent several subscriptions of ‘PlayGirl’ to my dad and a whole lot of other bad, bad, bad stuff.

 

Since then I’ve been frequenting the ‘Gassy Sip’ trying to buy things that will equal $7.77, but I can’t seem to make it happen no matter how hard I try. I just know that if I find God in the receipt, like I picked up Satan, the curse will be broken and I can go back to being an average evil person, (on occasion).

 

Please offer up any solutions you might have.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Because it was necessary for climatic ending”, (no just kidding, it was “Because he wouldn’t fit in the elevator”).

Claire wins of course, but since everyone’s answers were so funny and fun I’m taking everyone to ‘Gassy Sip’ for corndogs and energy drinks.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What gets wetter the more it dries?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

October 5, 2009 at 4:26 am