Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of

Taking It All In

with 24 comments

Please note this is not a review of the 1997 adult film.


This week I was driving around the outskirts of my hometown. All of a sudden I blew a tire out on my car. Whoa, talk about scary! I was driving with my knee trying to roll a doobie while reaching into the back seat to get another beer, so it was kind of hard to keep control of the vehicle.


I got out and surveyed the tire. I went to the trunk to get the spare when I realized that I had removed the spare in order to make room for my custom woofer-box that pumps 440,000 watts through 118 speakers. Yes, it is worth it even in this unfortunate incident. [Note to self: put spare tire in back seat.]


Oh well, I thought. I’ll just hoof it to the nearest gas station and call a tow truck. This thought came after the realization that I had placed my cell phone on the roof of the car when I left the strip club to pick my mom up for her doctor’s appointment. [Note to self: replace cell phone.]


Not knowing where a gas station is, because my car runs on banana peels and soles from Chuck Taylor’s, I started off in a random direction, which lead me to a giant hill.


After climbing the six foot, three strand barb wire fence, clearly marked, “Do Not Enter”, I climbed to the top of this great peak. Once atop the mountain I saw a great valley filled with seagulls. Which I thought was very interesting since I live 22,000 miles from any body of water.


What was even more interesting was the large dump truck looking vehicles and bulldozers. My guess is that they were preparing the grounds of what I believed to be some kind of Midwest seagull sanctuary.


It really looked like their work was cut out for them too, because the ground was covered in plastic and refuse. I thought this was an odd place for a bird sanctuary, but the seagulls certainly didn’t mind. They appeared to be in hog heaven. They didn’t even seem to be afraid of the bulldozers.


I sat down on the top of the hill and just breathed in the wonderment of man and nature blending together so well, so harmonious, so loving. It really is a wonderful world we live in.


If you would like to donate to the Midwest seagull sanctuary, please send your check or money order to the Walcomb county waste management department. [Note to self: Write letter asking why they’d call the bird sanctuary a land fill.]



Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster



—Riddle Me Rooster—


The answer to last weeks riddle was “Anything you want, he can’t hear you with fingers in his ears”. What’s with all the booing?

As always, everyone’s a winner because I enjoy your response so much. Enjoy another week of peanut butter covered orgy fun in Costa Rica on me!


Tonight’s riddle:


What do lazy dogs chase?


Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!


24 Responses

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  1. How many doobies did you smoke anyway? Between that and the beer…

    Anyway, in reality, I started the bird sanctuary in your honor. I was trying to create a home for cocky roosters and those damn seagulls kept taking over. I’m researching how to resolve that problem, so please ask your followers to make those checks out to Claire Collins and I will make sure they are put to good use.

    Lazy dogs don’t chase anything because.. well.. they’re lazy. Cat walks by and the dog just rolls over and says “there’s my exercise for the day”. Then he licks himself and goes to sleep satisfied at a job well done.

    Maybe lazy dogs chase their tails, but only in their dreams? Have you ever seen a dog running in it’s sleep? It’s fascinating.

    Whenever I hear “lazy dogs”, it always makes me think of those big sad looking basset hounds with the blood shot eyes sitting up on the porches of beat up rustic log cabins.

    At least up in those back woods log cabins, there aren’t any parked cars for the lazy dogs to chase, all of their cars are up on cinder blocks or cousin Myrle’s living in them. Poor little basset hounds with their stubby legs can’t chase the cars on cinder blocks anyway because they can’t reach them. That’s why they just sit on the porch and look sad. Short legs and cars parked on cinder blocks.

    Claire Collins

    October 25, 2009 at 9:43 am

    • Claire Collins, good thinking. I will forward you all the checks I receive. I have seen many a dog in dreamland. It is good entertainment. You paint a beautiful picture of my family reunion.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      October 26, 2009 at 3:11 am

      • Shit. Are we related?

        Claire Collins

        October 26, 2009 at 3:41 am

        • Claire Collins, does it matter? Want a swig off this here ol’ jug?

          Ramblin' Rooster

          October 26, 2009 at 3:53 am

          • Golly Gee Garsh Cousin Rooster, pass me that jug. I notice you put new a new cinder block deck all around the DeSoto. Gettin’ too big fer yer britches aren’t ya?

            Claire Collins

            October 26, 2009 at 4:09 am

            • Claire Collins, I can’t believe you brought up my weight!

              Ramblin' Rooster

              October 26, 2009 at 4:16 am

              • That’s just cuz you eats more than your share of roadkill.

                Claire Collins

                October 26, 2009 at 4:24 am

                • Claire Collins, I can’t believe you brought up my weight and then the menu!!

                  Ramblin' Rooster

                  October 26, 2009 at 4:38 am

                  • They fatten up turkeys for Thanksgiving…

                    My advice: Stay off the roads.

                    Claire Collins

                    October 26, 2009 at 5:04 am

                    • Claire Collins, but them roads are everywhere, cutting through the best places to party! I must cross the road…

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      October 26, 2009 at 5:32 am

                    • Well then, have a couple more candy bars and then let me know what roads you plan to cross so I can be ready with my truck… I mean so I can set up barricades to protect you 🙂

                      Claire Collins

                      October 26, 2009 at 5:40 am

                    • Claire Collins, whoa! Are you threatening me?!?! Is this about your Ringwald complex?

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      November 3, 2009 at 5:14 am

                    • I don’t have a Ringwald complex. “she” has a COLLINS Complex!

                      Claire Collins

                      November 18, 2009 at 5:37 am

                    • Claire Collins, I was just hanging out with Molly the other day and she said she loves your books, but isn’t “hung up on you… too bad.”

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      November 23, 2009 at 3:42 am

                    • Ah I see how it is. You’ve obviously picked your favorite since you were hanging out with her. *sniff* no. It’s ok.



                      I didn’t know you wanted a cheap imitation.


                      Claire Collins

                      November 23, 2009 at 5:03 am

                    • Claire Collins, there, there, please don’t cry. I’m sorry.

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      November 23, 2009 at 5:09 am

                    • You’re so sweet. We could go on like this back and forth for a long time, but it’s late and you should sleep. We can start again next week.

                      Claire Collins

                      November 23, 2009 at 6:05 am

                    • Claire Collins, it’s next week…

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      November 30, 2009 at 3:48 am

                    • Actually, I think it’s another week after that. I’m always two steps behind and running late.

                      Claire Collins

                      December 6, 2009 at 12:37 am

                    • Claire Collins, “just like a woman…”

                      Ramblin' Rooster

                      December 7, 2009 at 1:20 am

  2. But if you put the spare tire in your backseat, where will you fit your portable meth lab? You can’t just have that shit tied to your roof, it could be dangerous. Think this through man!

    Up until two years ago, they had a landfill type of place just outside of Cadiar, but it was freaking awesome. They didn’t allow any perishables, batteries, tires or any other nasty shit. It was all old stuff from houses. It was a treasure trove of antique vases, Moroccan tile, and wooden placards advertising everything from bullfights to circuses. It closed right before we moved here, but the previous owner filled up two houses with the stuff. I’m still looking for another one.

    Are you on Facebook? I have a ton of photos up; I’ll take more of the found treasures soon.

    The riddle: The same thing that I chase; paralyzed or comatose bitches.

    Scott Oglesby

    October 25, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    • Scott Oglesby, where were you six months ago when my brother died falling off the roof when I “whipped it” to the Gassy Sip to get another gallon of bleach?!?! Hindsight is 20/20… How do you chase a paralyzed/comatose bitch? We should make “the rounds” together at East General.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      October 26, 2009 at 3:14 am

  3. 22,000 miles from any body of water? As much as I believed every single other word of your post, this once strikes me as less than plausible.

    I’m willing to let it go as I’m all over the 440K watt stereo system, which will be sure to announce your arrival shortly before you leave your own house. It’s like the speed of light thing only with powerful, skull-crushing sound waves.

    The riddle answer is: dragons. Nothing makes a lazy dog lazier than a crippling opium habit. Have we learned nothing from “From Hell?” (Besides the redundancy of the wording…)

    Capitalist Lion Tamer

    October 26, 2009 at 2:05 am

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, how dare you claim plausiblity! That’s like walking out of Star Wars saying, “It was unrealistic”. I know for a fact that it’s 22,000 miles because I’ve “stepped it off”. Oh, you let it go… please excuse my outburst. Your answer makes so much sense. My dog smokes tons of opium and I’m pretty sure he’s been dead for almost two years. What have I learned from, ‘From Hell’? That Hollywood will eventually make a movie from everything Alan Moore has ever written.

      Ramblin' Rooster

      October 26, 2009 at 3:24 am

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