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Posts Tagged ‘animals

If Pets Could Talk The Bullshit Would Stop

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I had just gotten out of the shower, (meaning I was nude) and was looking at the wrinkles on my face when I noticed, in the reflection of the bathroom mirror, my dog just sitting there watching me. He seemed concern about my mental well-being, so I kicked him in the face. Just kidding, he didn’t seem concerned at all about my mental well-being.


It occurred to me, as my dog was dressing me with his eyes, how many pets in this world are privy to secret information. Things so private and deeply hidden that even spouses are kept in the dark about it. Why is this? It’s because pets don’t talk, or at least when they do, no one can understand what it is they’re talking about. Remember, “Loose lips sink ships”. Animals have it better than any “boy-pretending-to-be-gay-to-see-a-girl-naked-in-her-room” adolescent fantasy, because for them it’s very real. They get to see, hear and smell it all. Who hides anything from their pet?


So what if suddenly animals could speak our language? The world would turn upside down and more than a few people would probably burst into flames. The rest of us would turn red as our pets began to blab about all the twisted, disgusting things they’ve witnessed during their time of loyal servitude. It would be like six hours into happy hour and your pet had just done a pile of cocaine. You couldn’t get them to shut up for anything. They’d be like, “I can believe you put me in a f#$%ing sweater!” or “All this time I’ve been barking, all I wanted was for you to turn down the television. I didn’t want to go outside, go for a walk or chase a damn tennis ball. I just wanted you to turn down the TV for crying in the night. I mean are you deaf?”


I bet the pet population would start to dwindle pretty fast. You’d start to see all kinds of homeless pets working the streets, sniffing around for loose change.


The real point would be that people would have to really clean up there act. No more sneaking around, lying, coming home late, dishonest phone calls, bringing “strangers” into the home when significant others were away at work, and of course no more porn on the couch on your day off.


It would seem to follow that if animals began speaking our language it would be only a matter of time before they started walking upright and driving cars. Before long they’d totally infiltrate our way of life. They’d want to take over and make us pay for domesticating and dominating them for so long.


World war three will be fought between the humans and the animals. You’ve been warned.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 6, 2009 at 4:54 am

Animals vs. Humans: Who’s Better?

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I have often heard and sometimes even spouted the cliche, “Ignorance is bliss.” I’ve always had mixed feelings about this saying, because although its simplistic and poetic, (which I love) it also promotes something I hate, ignorance. I guess I don’t hate it, but I hate when people use it as an excuse to limit their responsibility. All of this of course is side tracking us from tonight’s topic though, so let’s get to it.

Other than a five year period in the middle of my life, a grace period if you will, I have always had, at the very least, one animal companion. I’ve had dogs, cats, fish, guinea pigs, birds, turtles, a snake, and a duck. Dogs, cats and the duck where/are all great pets. The duck was extremely messy, but more companionable than one might think.

It’s long been the general consensus that man is smarter than animal. I guess this is accepted because animals don’t drive cars, work in factories, or tail gate in parking lots. Another age old example is the opposable thumb and the use of tools, which have always been a big point of fact for superiority, (except for those damn monkeys). I think it comes down to the ability to speak a language that makes humans believe they are smarter/better than animals, (like jabbering on and on is a sign of higher intellegence).

I’m not one of those crazy animal owners that refers to my pets as “my children” nor would I spend thousands of dollars to prolong an animals life for another couple of months, (I’m sure I would if I had crazy money, but I’ll never call my pet my child.) I also don’t believe that animals feel love. I think that is solely a human device thought up for torturing the soul.

The thing I like most about animals is that they are above pettiness. OK, that’s a lie, they love to be pet, but the don’t ever seem to suffer from self-esteem issues, gambling problems or get arrested for drunk driving, (I know, it’s the opposable thumb thing, except for those damn monkeys). I think the sure fact of how lost humans are gives animals a slight edge. You could argue that we are more stupid just for being capable of creating a unimaginable wonderfulness and failing so miserable at it. Animals have nursed other animals outside their species and we have trouble talking to our neighbors. Animals don’t care what you look like, smell like, act like, believe in or think. They are oblivious to your bias, contempt, greed, perversion and mental state. They just want to eat, play, sleep and be stroked, (something I think we all can relate to).

So when it comes down to Animals vs Humans, Who’s Better? I have to go with animals. Of course that’s coming from a blabbering cock. What? 62 posts and this is my first cock joke, that’s better than good, it’s amazing.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 11, 2008 at 3:49 am