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Posts Tagged ‘cheating

Let’s Have An Affair

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I was thinking today how awesome it would be to have a torrid affair. Pending you could get over destroying the lives of your spouse and children, tearing apart your family, gut-rotting guilt, lies that assure your place among the top spots in Hell and nightmares about crying, screaming and hurting people. Other than that, it’d be totally awesome.


Let’s say you’re sitting around the house with your boring spouse, when suddenly you get a mysterious phone call. You tell your spouse that something came up at the office and you need to go down there for a couple of hours to help out. No, they’d never buy that. I got it, you tell your spouse that your friend just got arrested for drunk driving and you need to go downtown to bail them out. No, that would be too easy for your spouse to very it’s legitimacy. Wow, this affair thing is a lot harder than I thought.


OK, let’s just say you came up with a good, solid lie, one that your spouse bought without a doubt. You’re free and out of the house. You drive to a sleazy hotel to meet your secret lover and you two get a room. “Does the room have free HBO?” You’re missing the point here. The two of you get a room and engage in ultimate sin. Then you shower up and scoot on home. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Sure beats a night of watching television and talking to your kids about their day.


To make the whole affair really worthwhile, it’s important that your secret lover is also married with children. It’s just not fair that only one of you has to sneak around and lie. Plus, when the whole thing blows up in your faces, you want to make sure that the maximum number of casualties is achieved.


Now, you should keep up this affair for a very long time, long enough to become comfortable. Otherwise it will be hard for you to let your guard down and become sloppy. “Why must I get sloppy?” How else are you going to get caught? A secret isn’t a secret until others find out about it.


Once the affair hits the fan, it’s usually pretty explosive and heated. You should be able to see emotions coming from your spouse to which the likes you’ve never seen before, (note: more excitement). Once the fireworks are over and you’re driving around looking for a hotel, (this time it’s just for a place to stay for the night, not time spent with your secret lover, because at this point they’ve lost interest in you because of all the drama) it should start to hit you. “What will hit me?” At some point you should be overcome with painful feelings, which will inevitably lead you to thinking about what you had and how you’re going to miss it now that it’s gone.


Over the next few months you’ll experiment in loneliness and solitude. You’ll wear an invisible mask that you’ll become extremely paranoid about other people seeing. This is why you figure everyone is looking at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Just ignore it as it will go away, much like your money to alimony and child support. Finally one day you’ll be having lunch and as the check comes you’ll notice an attractive waiter(ess) and it will remind you of your secret lover. You’ll then be amazed and shocked that you can no longer remember their name, but will relish in the fact that all of this is better than being bored on the couch.


As I always say, the best way to spice up a marriage is infidelity.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

February 24, 2009 at 4:53 am

Death, Taxes, and Monogamy

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You don’t have to be a marketing genius to know that sex sells. People like sex. It seems ridiculous to even have to say it. So why then, in a world of sex driven consumers, is monogamy such a huge practice?

At one time or another everyone has heard the statistic, “Half of all marriages end in divorce”. Let’s forget if it’s true or not, let’s just pretend it’s close. That’s a lot of divorcing. Why do think that is?

I don’t know either, but here’s my guess, fast-food. Did you just call me an idiot? Just give me a second to explain. American society/culture is fast-food. We like to have it fast, hot and cheap, with no mess to clean up. Plain and simple. Everyone wants to be rich, live in an awesome house, drive a fancy car, with free time to travel, indulge in recreational activities, be envied and most importantly be the object of desire. In return, no one wants to work. Seems balanced don’t it.

There’s only a few men out there that, if given a “free pass”, wouldn’t sleep with the dream girl of their choice, (which sadly is almost always a celebrity). These men are known as homosexuals. They’re not better than the other men, they’re just competing with the women for the dream guy of their choice. The point is, if consequence was not an issue and opportunity was present, monogamy wouldn’t exist. Now, you know how weak humans are, will power has never been a strong suit for Americans, so no wonder people are breaking hearts and ruining lives on the hour, every hour.

The reason monogamy exists is ego. People are selfish. You can’t help it. It’s the basic function of survival, “Get yours”. So when a human fancies something, they don’t want to share it. It doesn’t mean they themselves are satisfied, they just don’t want someone else to touch theirs.

Relationships always start out great, but the magic never lasts. It’s impossible. It really shouldn’t have to. If you really want to practice monogamy and take a relationship “the distance”, you have to tone it down, pace yourself. Courting is hard work. Saying the right things, opening doors, getting flowers, writing notes/letters, planning surprises, getting the right gifts, holding in gas, etc. takes a lot of energy. No one can keep that up for 40, 50 years. When the going gets tough, the tough getting going. Unfortunately it’s out the door, never to come back.

Monogamy won’t go away. The earth will never be one, big, “swingers party” and that’s probably for the best, (can’t imagine what comes after HIV). But this is the number one reason why all humans are crazy. They set themselves up for it. Wanting two conflicting things is beyond unachievable, it’s the path to psychosis. If you want to have sex with everyone you can on the planet, best of luck to you, but please never enter into a relationship. Never lead someone on to believing the opposite, tell them lies or give them false hope of a future that will never happen.

All I can say, is that at some point you’re gonna wake up to find yourself a shell of a person. You sacrificed beauty for vanity and missed out on one of the best things in life. A relationship.

By the way, get away from my hen house.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

October 17, 2008 at 4:27 am