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Posts Tagged ‘drinking

Tasty Drinks From Flesh Melons

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Breast augmentation or implants as they’re called in my trailer, is so old news. Everyone I know from my sister to my grandmother has had a boob job. The cat was thinking about getting it done, that’s how boring it’s become. Everywhere you look it’s giant boobs here and plastic breasts there. I can’t even go to the bathroom with out having to wade through a sea of silicone, (or saline). It’s ridiculous.

 

I’m ready for the evolution of the breast, the next step, the function rising above the form. Personally I’ve had all the cupping and fondling I need for a lifetime. I’m ready to go somewhere else with my “titty action”. I think that new plateau is beverage service.

 

Bear with me on this, it’s a perfectly natural direction and certainly isn’t offensive or degrading. If you want to be technical about it the primary function of the breast is to provide milk and what is milk? A beverage. Thank you!

 

I’ve seen some internet pictures of silly people or Halloween costumes that depict a woman’s chest being a beer tap or something along those lines. Although beer is an obvious choice, I think it’d be nice to be able to fill up breasts with whatever liquid you wanted. There are people out there that aren’t raging alcoholics you know.

 

I think it’d be awful nice to go walking in the park on a hot summer day and sit under a tree with you wife or girlfriend and for both of you be able to sip some fresh squeezed lemonade out of her boobs. Not only would it be refreshing and convenient, it would also be a wonderful bonding experience.

 

The only thing I’m not sure about is how to “cool” the liquid inside the container. I’d imagine that it could be uncomfortable having a chest of ice upstairs and over time could lead to back problems. I certainly don’t want that. The lining needed to protect the inside of the body from the coldness would have to be some kind of new, space-age material that was flexible, lightweight and preferably soft and squishy, like a koozie I suppose.

 

You think I’m crazy? What did you call me? I don’t even know what that means, I’m not even sure if that’s a word… Just calm down, relax. If you’re not having babies then what’s the point of having those things just floppin’ around is all I’m saying. Why not make good use of them. Is that so wrong?

 

I’d fill my testicles up with ice tea, but the capacity of your boobs far outweighs my nuts. How can you argue against logic? Although with the “balls cooler”, there is that handy spout or large drinking straw compared to the little nipples.

 

It’s still in the larval stage.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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Written by Ramblin' Rooster

June 2, 2009 at 4:45 am

Alcohol & Vomit, Projected Not Puddled

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I just got back from visiting my friend “the alcoholic”. He’s a really good one too. He never gets mean, nasty or overly emotional and he never throws up. It’s really quite amazing, but like I said he’s an alcoholic, a professional. I’m not like that. I seem to vomit a lot when drinking, especially when hanging out with him.

So anyway, we were hanging out and sure enough, I started drinking. Not only in large quantities, but also excessively fast. Everything was going fine. I was having a good time taping silverware, plastic bowls, empty beer cans, dominoes, a box of nutter bars and other miscellaneous items to the wall. I even got daring and taped a chair to the wall. It stayed for about a half hour before falling. Next I went to go play the keyboard. I put my head down to start jamming when the alcohol hit me like a truck. A wave of intoxication rushed over me and my stomach instantly turned upside down and sour. The kind of nausea that rumbles your bowels. I went outside, which was freezing by the way, and sat in this broken recliner I found sitting by the trash cans. It was actually pretty nice and ideal for purging my system of the poison. I sat there for quite awhile waiting for the “sickness” to pass. I eventually made it to a bed to pass out. The morning was worse than the evening. I had the dry heaves five or six times, (that’s the first time that’s ever happened to me). Later on, after I got up, my friend “the alcoholic” and I reminisced about all my “bad luck” with drinking. I never really knew just how bad I was at drinking.

Here are a few of my horrible highlights:

-Vomiting in bed, (on several occasions)

-Sleeping on the porch in puddle of vomit

-Vomiting in bathroom and passing out in front of the bathroom door so no one can come in the room, (sadly this happened twice in two different places)

-Vomiting in a someones lap

-Vomiting in people cars

-Vomiting on my own shoes

-Vomiting in a swimming pool

Besides the vomiting, I always manage to pass out or sit in weird places as I wait for the “sickness” to pass. Once I was behind the garage of a friend’s house, sitting in the grass vomiting. I had my eyes closed and I felt something touching my hand. I opened my eyes and a opossum was right in front of me checking out the free smorgasbord. I let out a little hiss and it took off. With all these painful experiences, you think I’d learn my lesson.

I’m thirsty… when do the bars close?

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 23, 2008 at 6:12 am