Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Posts Tagged ‘Humor

I Hate You, but Please Don’t Hate Me Back

with 14 comments

Humans, they’re weird and by weird, I mean they don’t make sense. The ego is not a hidden beast waiting in the shadows to pounce on your subconscious while you sleep. It is the scream of the wild, the elusive desire to kill, the wish of power that rings in your ears as you taste blood. What?

 

Make no mistake; in this life we’ve all had a fair amount of relationships. Be them platonic, be them romantic or be them somewhere in between leaving each person confused and slightly damaged.

 

I have had people come and go quite a bit in my life. (Is it me?) I have never had a reservation letting someone know that I didn’t/don’t like them. I’ve never felt bad for not liking someone or thinking badly or lowly of them. I’ve never thought it was wrong to dislike another person. “You can’t please all the people all the time and not everyone responds the same way to verbal violence.”

 

Now, when the news comes to me that someone whom I liked or revered as a friend utters words of discontent or rather strong language like, “You’re corrosive to life” or “The putrescence and squalor is revolting and poisoning” or “When I said I’ll see you later I meant like five, ten, fifteen years later… maybe never.” It hurts.

 

I want to feel free to hate whomever I choose, but be loved by all. Is that really too much to ask? It’s not like I want to be president or something.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “One Cent”

CLT mentioned scent, but locked in with Cheetah, which spelled backwards is Hateehc, translated from Blovokian means, “the green smell” which is close enough. Congratulations CLT, you win a life supply of ‘Handy Bags’.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

Why did King Kong climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

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Tell A Lot

with 14 comments

Fingers are amazing. Apparently they’re the only thing that separates us from amoeba. I like fingers ‘cause they’re so expressive. People can hold entire conversations with them, (which unfortunately doesn’t stop them from also talking). Fingers help us break through the language barrier. There are so many international signs and symbols that everyone understands, (except for those too uncivilized to understand and they are excused. Example: If you wear a loin cloth I don’t expect you to “call me” when I do the “finger phone” to my ear).

You can really tell a lot about a person by their finger gestures. I always judge men on how manly they are by one single hand gesture, being the finger “gun”.

 

If a guy does the “gun” symbol with his hand and only extends his first finger you can immediate assume the following, He is:

 

Gay

Afraid of spiders

Won’t help you change the brakes on your ’84 Ford F-150

Cheats on his taxes

Someone who will borrow your weed wacker and won’t return it until you go over and ask for it back

 

Now if a guy uses his first and middle finger, you can assume the following, He is:

 

Gay

Afraid of little dogs that bark incessantly

Overcompensating

Wears leather pants on the weekend

Has never tasted, yet claims to love sushi

 

Don’t forget, if either of the finger “gun” wielders actually pulls the “thumb” trigger, this is an act of aggression and affords you the right to immediate start kicking his ass. IF they make a gun sound such as bang, boom, kapow, etc. you can kill him in self-defense.

 

If a woman gives you the finger “gun”, make no mistake, she has a penis.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Holes”

Claire is the only one who answered, except for CLT who is a week behind, (which is actually genius for always being right) so even though her answer was wrong is was witty, so chalk up another win for Claire.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

How much is a skunk worth?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Custom Coffins

with 14 comments

The other day I heard a commercial for customizing your coffin. You can get custom printed liners or go with existing logos, like the Yankees’ or the Raiders emblems. (I don’t know about College teams, so please stop calling me.) It took a moment for it to all sink in. I think it was three or four commercials past before I literally asked the Holy Ghost, WTF?

 

I couldn’t agree more with Al Czervik more when he said, “Two biggest wastes of real estate, golf courses and cemeteries.” I can’t think of anything more self serving and egocentric than a grave. Now add $50k for services and you’ve made it criminal.

 

I remember when my brother died; we burned him and threw the ashes in his wife’s face. I think my dad might have whispered, “sorry” or something.

 

Why does everyone have to customize everything they own? I walked by a subordinates computer last week and the command line was bright, neon-green for fvck sakes!

 

Having special hubcaps on your car doesn’t make you unique. Changing factory settings on your phone doesn’t make you special. Rearranging the icons on your iPod doesn’t make you an individual.

 

Don’t forget, “Everyone’s special in their own way”. Whatever!

 

If I was an undertaker, and I got a die-hard, (literally) Yankees’ fan asking for a Yankees’ themed casket, I’d cover it in Red Sox memorabilia.

 

What can I say, I’m a people person.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Cheetah”

Claire actually gave the answer in her response, (exactly ten words before typing “I give up”. Well, I don’t believe in quitting, so Claire, good news, you have your trophy back.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What can you put in a box that makes it lighter?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

September 14, 2009 at 4:21 am

Labor Day Passout

with 18 comments

Happy Labor Day! I’m not sure what Labor Day is about or what the proper words are to express the honor, which is displayed in the form of joy that we all share in not working on Monday, (except those working on construction projects and the majority of those in retail sales).

 

Is Labor Day synonymous with drinking? I have several friends that would tell me yes, but then again they’d say that drinking is synonymous with the sun coming up. So what’s that tell you?

 

This weekend I hung out with some of those old friends of mine. When I say old friends, I mean the kind that are so old that when you’re together you do nothing more than remind each other of all the ridiculous and crazy stuff you have on each other, ‘cause you can’t possibly remember yourself. For some reason drinking stories always seem to surface and be the most in abundance.

 

I’m not a drinker. I’m what alcoholics call “sober” or what teenagers call “a pussy”. I don’t have medical evidence to back it up, but I’m fairly certain that I have an allergy to alcohol, because most of the time when I consume it, it comes back up.

 

There are a lot of wonderful stories starring yours truly, a lot of passing out in the neighbor’s lawn, on the porch, in closets, in the trunk of my own car, etc. As such, there are also a lot of disgusting stories with me having the major role in “Vomit Gone Wild”. Some examples would be vomiting in bed, in cars, on my shoes, on other people and in the punch bowl and grandma’s 87th birthday party. They’re all wonderful, but there was one story that seemed to sparkle just a little brighter than the rest.

 

I was told of the time that I was drinking at a friend’s tiny apartment. When I say tiny, I’m talking 100 square feet tiny. The bathroom door opened inwards to an incredibly small bathroom. So small in fact that the door didn’t even fully open as it was stopped by the sink cabinet.

 

Apparently, as the story goes, we were all sitting around drinking on Labor Day Eve, celebrating the fact we didn’t have to get up early and once again I consumed passed my limit. I got up and went into the bathroom to spend a little quality time with the toilet. After purging the demons from my body I got up to leave and passed out. My friends, whom I sure were extremely concerned, came to the bathroom to investigate the “thump”. When they tried to open the door they were unsuccessful as I had managed to lose consciousness between the door and the sink. No matter how hard they tried to open the door they couldn’t because of my pesky breathing corpse being the world’s largest door stop.

 

At first it was rather funny to them all, until the urge to urinate became prevalent. After trying to revive me by ramming and kicking the door, screaming at me and squeezing a hand through and shooting me with a water gun, they gave up and took turns peeing in the kitchen sink for the remainder of the evening. Not too shabby.

 

Do you have a better story than that? Let’s hear it and all laugh.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “At lunch it goes back for seconds”

No one guessed, so I’ll be taking myself to the bar for drinks.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What animal should you never play cards with?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Awkward Moments

with 12 comments

In today’s world, awkward has really lost its power. There use to be a time when awkward made people want to kill themselves. These days awkward is used to sum up or describe the most mundane of experiences.

 

“So I was asked him if he liked Duran Duran and he never answered. Talk about awkward.” “I say Carlita at the mall buying a ‘Thigh Master’. It was really awkward.” I’m sorry to inform you, it’s not awkward, it’s silliness.

 

Here’s an example of awkwardness:

 

Say what you will about the testament of marriage, nothing can stop a wife from becoming despondent after walking in on you having an “intimate moment” with a vacuum.

 

You can try clever and witty defense maneuvers like:

 

“What time is it? I thought the thing ended at eight.”

 

“Ha, ha, pretty funny, huh?”

 

“You always said you wanted me to clean around the house.”

 

“These attachments really do make all the difference.”

 

“How can this be dirty?”

 

“Look at the bright side, at least your sister’s not here this time.”

 

Come on, you can’t tell me that the inventor of the vacuum didn’t try it at least once. I for one believe that it was it’s first intention.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Age”

Congratulations to Anjali for the correct answer. You win Claire Collins championship trophy, because let’s face it; she’s had it long enough.

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

Why does the cafeteria clock always run slowly?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Action Figure

with 10 comments

I don’t know when the last time you picked up an action figure was, but it’s astounding. They have more moving parts than I do. The points of articulation range in the upper teens to the mid thirties. It’s like some kind of miniature man genius is locked up in a laboratory/factory making God-like, plastic encased, history.

 

Quick fact sheet about Action figures:

 

Action figures are not sold or marketed for children.

 

Action figures can be valued in the hundreds to even thousands of dollars.

 

Action figures aren’t meant to be played with.

 

People who collect action figures make geeks and nerds look “sporting” “suave” and “devilishly attractive”.

 

Action figure is a pathetic attempt to make “doll” seem masculine, i.e. there is no “action” in an action figure.

 

Toys are amazing molds of plastic. They give children something to loose, break and leave out in the middle of a heavy trafficked, barefoot, walkway. When I was a kid, most action figures were paraplegics. I didn’t care, it was my imagination that made them move, not their remarkable engineering.

 

I can’t believe Transformers have made a comeback. This is the worst action figure, (to play with) ever. Don’t get me wrong, the “transforming” part is cool, but once it was done there wasn’t much you could do with it. They were about as durable as a paper plate. To quote Tom Hanks’ character from ‘Big’, “and this is robot that turns into a building. What’s fun about playing with a building?”

 

The other day I was walking through the toy aisle and I say a sign reading, “Creative Play”. On the shelf was ninja gear, cowboy gear and more guns than the South Central evidence room. Good to know that creative is synonymous with assassination and “shoot ‘em up”. “Look at little Jimmy pretending to slice off Billy’s head. They’re so creative, aren’t they?”

 

To be honest, this is all in preparation for the launching of my own Ramblin’ Rooster action figure. I’m still trying to decide if I want the jelly bean, rear exit hatch feature to be incorporated.

 

Now you tell me, if you were going to be an action figure, what accessories or features would you have?

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “Fruit Fly”

No one got the right answer, which is too bad, because this week’s prize was a brand new Mercedes E Class, (2010). Oh well…

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What goes up, but never comes down?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Guest Towels

with 16 comments

In keeping with the germaphob, (because I still refuse to call it Spermatophobia) theme from last week, tonight is about visiting someone’s house, more particularly using the bathroom at someone’s house.

 

I like to use the bathroom when the urge presents itself. I’m not the kind of person that likes it buckle over in pain because I’d rather hold things inside rather than share them with a strange toilet. Call me crazy… CRAZY! Stop it.

 

Before you get excited or disgusted, this post isn’t about the actual happenings of using the bathroom, the sights, smells, sounds or a wild, Hollywood romantic-comedy subplot about overflowing toilets and nightmarish mishaps. This blog takes place after all is said and done.

 

Guest towels! Washing your hands is a must after using the bathroom, whether you work in the food industry or not, (i.e. it’s not just for employees anymore). I like to wash my hands thirty-eight times a day. Call me crazy… CRAZY! I said stop that.

 

The problem I have is when I finish washing my hands. There are several problems that occur.

 

  1. There is no hand towel – (the most obvious problem, yet in the end the most easy to deal with. I use my armpits as a towel or style my hair. Sometimes I rub my face and the back of my neck. The guest thinks I was sweating and wonders what I was doing in there. Gives them something to talk about after I leave.)
  2. There is no hand towel, but there is a bath towel hanging equally spaced between the shower and the sink – (this is difficult to gauge. Depending on where you are, the owner may not believe in “hand towels” thus this giant bath towel could in fact be the hand towel. Then again, if it is a bath towel the thought of drying your newly cleaned hands where Frank dried his ass is more than just a little disturbing. Go with option #1.)
  3. A hand towel is present, but it’s crusty, or stained, or has dried toothpaste on it, or it smells of mildew, nachos and cigar smoke – (nothing is worse than a brown hand towel, especially if the towel’s natural color isn’t brown. The safest bet on any hanging hand towel is to gently blot dry at the top of the towel, along the fold where it hangs from the ring or bar. Most people dry using the front or back of the hanging towel thus leaving the top virtually clean.)

 

Best bet is to always carry your own hand towel wherever you go. If you think this behavior is too weird or will make you standout in the crowd you can do what I do and buy an entire wardrobe of bowling clothes. This way you can seem like an avid sportsman who’s always coming over after a tournament game.

 

Carrying a bag with an actual bowling ball is optional. It’s up to you how far you want to take it.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

 

 

 

—Riddle Me Rooster—

 

The answer to last weeks riddle was “All months have 28 days”

Congratulations to Claire (riddle champion-hat-tricker) for the correct answer with honorary victories going to Capitalist Lion Tamer and Scott for answers bearing humorous motive. This week’s prize is a $10 TGIF gift card, (in honor of Scott’s favorite restaurant). CLT and Scott can sit with Claire and watch her eat dessert. Have fun!

 

Tonight’s riddle:

 

What do you call a zipper on a banana?

 

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!