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Posts Tagged ‘penis

Thank Goodness It’s Attached

with 14 comments

I was looking for my phone today. I nervously and inefficiently scoured the house in effort to locate it. I even resorted to using the land line to call myself. As I was walking around I thought about how this stupid little piece of plastic was “so important”, yet I would haphazardly leave it lying around somewhere to where I’d forget where it was and it’d be lost. I started to compile lists of all the important things that people loose, keys, homework, teeth, virginity, money, driver’s license, pets, and minds.

 

Then the thought popped into my head, “Good thing my penis is attached. I’d hate to leave that sitting somewhere and have someone walk off with it.” I tried to think of a women’s equivalent, but there just wasn’t any that didn’t seem like a stretch. “I took out my vagina and left it on the table” seemed too silly.

 

In this absent minded world, I wonder what the percentage of men would be, that would be without a penis due to loss or theft, (if the penis was in fact a detachable object). I’m thinking the number would be so high that those men left with their natural penis would be in very high demand. Gigolos would surpass prostitutes for the first time in the history of “flesh trading”.

 

I say natural because if the penis was detachable, then “replacements” would flood the market. That’d be weird. You know you’d finally hear, see or live through a story of a guy with a penis that was obviously not suited to his biological makeup, (i.e. a black man with a white penis). “Hey, it was on sale. You know the white ones are much cheaper than the black ones.”

 

So I’m thankful that my penis is firmly attached. I know because I’ve tried pulling it off before. Thank goodness it’s permanent; otherwise it’d be penis hell.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

May 15, 2009 at 3:34 am

Curse This Penis

with 2 comments

Yes, I understand that this “thing” is a urine tube, but they can make it so I don’t need it, (for more information, see Medical Magic pg. 453). I also understand that it’s where babies come from, or part of where they come from. What I don’t understand is what to do with it the 99% of the other time.

 

I’ve yet to experience being a girl, maybe in my next life, but until then I can only guess as to what having a vagina is like. To me it’s a hole that leads into the body and a hole, an actual, real life hole seems pretty freaky. The male genitalia on the other hand, or in the other hand, (hee-hee-hee)… It’s totally the opposite. Thank you and that concludes today’s first grade anatomy class.

 

Male genitalia are out in the open just waiting to be blown off. The testicles are like little time bombs that are close to being the most fragile thing on earth. Just a slight graze, with precision contact can cause a chain reaction and a total meltdown. Yet men are willing to bare it all at the drop of a hat.

 

It’s kind of like the people who own guns, but don’t hunt or go to firing ranges, it’s like why do you have it in the first place. You know you’re just sitting around hoping someone will attack you so you can whip it out and squeeze off some rounds. You don’t own a gun to keep it a case; you show it off like in the action movies. I know that those guys out there that are “swingers” and know all “the moves” are probably using their penis quite a bit, so they don’t really care. For the rest of the 98% of the male population they might be thinking to themselves, what is that droopy thing down there?

 

The penis is always just hanging around. It’s always there as if it’s waiting for something. Waiting for action? I don’t know maybe. Some guys can’t seem to resist it themselves and will even “cup it” or “cop a feel” in the most awkward of situations. More proof that the penis is just itching to get loose. Where does it want to go and what does it want to do? If given the opportunity would be “engaged” at all times? What fun would that be for anyone? What would you do about work, about dinner, about the thousands of kids in your house?

 

A penis is just a bad seed looking to get into trouble. It’s bad news on a bad day, yet it’s just too hard to let go of. It’s almost like a security blanket or Radar’s teddy bear. You just need to know it’s there to feel better.

 

I guess we will never unzip the mystery of the penis, but I promise I’ll keep beating it until I get some answers.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 12, 2009 at 4:35 am