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The Secret Life Of My Mother – Conclusion

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Continuum Warning! Clarity Disclaimer: This is the conclusion to the blog from last night titled, “The Secret Life of My Mother”. If you haven’t read the first part, you won’t want to start here.

Where we left off? Mother had died, I found her diary, I read it, she began her young life after high school as a drifter, became a porn magazine model, turned to stripping at a club and just tried cocaine. Yea mom!

-“I’ve been using the cocaine more and more, sometimes several times a night. It’s amazing. I feel free and powerful again, like I can do whatever I want. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Even as I write this I feel a calling to return to the next room with the other girls to join in the party. They’ve invited over several men. Some regulars from the club, an employee or two and a man I’ve never seen before. His name is Sean [still not my dad!] and he’s as close to a movie star as I think I’ll ever get [my mother did tell me once that she always wanted to marry a movie star when she was young]. I really should go back to the party if I want to try to gain his attention as most of the girls seem to be thinking what I’m thinking. This is one handsome meal ticket.”

-“I’ve been noticing Sean coming to the club almost every night. He always sits down front, but never makes eye contact with me. He’s a polite and generous tipper and I wish I knew for sure if I can get a hook into him. There’s nothing more depressing than trying to reel a man in and failing.”

-“Sean came to the club tonight and sat down front just like clockwork. Instead of a dollar he gave me a slip of paper. Backstage, when I opened it, I discovered it was an address. After the club closed, I took a cab to the address. It was a large, dark warehouse that seemed to be abandoned. I ignored my instincts and got out of the cab and went to the door. I knocked and sure enough Sean answered immediately. Which is a good sign, a man that makes you wait is dead weight. Inside the warehouse was as gloomy as the outside, except for all the candles burning. It seemed like there were thousands. In the middle of the room was a large glass top coffee table and pillows all over the floor. Sean offered to take my wrap and offered me a seat on the floor of pillows. He offered me a drink, I accepted, then he disappeared into the shadows. I looked at the table, there was more cocaine on the table than I have ever seen in my life. It looked like it had been snowing. Sean returned and we drank our drinks and did some lines while the time rolled away. Around sunrise, Sean had retrieved a small, wooden box from a back room. Without saying a word he pulled out a syringe, a rubber tube, a spoon and a very small bag from inside the box. Then he worked over it like a scientist, mixing and burning and fiddling around. He came over and wrapped the rubber tube around my arm then he stuck the needle in my arm. A warmth rushed over me and I felt like I was leaving my body”… [she goes on to talk about them having sex, but I can bare to type it]

This is where the book starts to get really weird and incoherent. She starts writing little, short poems and drawing bizarre pictures. She goes on and on about Sean and how he’s the one that finally gets her to do porn movies. From what I can tell this went on for a little over two years. So let’s just jump to the end before I vomit for days.

-“The end came and went. Sadly I wasn’t conscious for any of it. I remember being out at a club for drinks with Sean at some point. When I came too it was dark and cold. I was naked in an alley laying in a pile of trash. All I could think of was that I had nothing. Absolutely nothing. No money, no dignity, no recollection of my life, not even a stitch of clothing. I emptied a trash bag and pulled it over my head and walked myself to the nearest hospital. While I walked, I wondered if I was even really alive or if this was a dream of the dead.”

-“I’ve been in treatment for eleven months. This is the best I’ve ever felt in my whole life. The doctors say I’m well enough to leave and try to start my life over, but I must admit, I’m afraid. Where can I go, what would I do? But I can’t deny that it’s time for me to move on. I’ve been here so long that I don’t even look like a patient anymore. For instance, today a man came in the lobby trying to sell signs to the receptionist and I. He was bothersome and annoying, but there seemed to be something decent about him behind it all. I don’t know if I’ve ever met a decent man before. He asked me if I wanted to have lunch and without thinking I said yes. He’s suppose to come by tomorrow. I hope he brushes his teeth.”

The end. That’s the secret life of my mother. I’m glad she decided to take the secret with her to the grave. I can’t even imagine how that would have affected our relationship growing up. I only wish she would have burned the damn diary. Don’t worry mom, I did it for you. Girls/women remember, some things are best not to write down.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 17, 2008 at 4:50 am

The Secret Life Of My Mother

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After my mother died, I found a diary she kept under her mattress. It’s weird to think that a grown woman would do something that seems so childish as to hide a diary under her mattress, but she did. I couldn’t help but to read it and figured if she was dead, she wouldn’t get mad at me. After reading it I was shocked as to find out who my mother was and the secret life she had lead. I wished that my father was still alive so I could ask him if he knew about what I had read. Of all the things to take to your grave…

Here are some passages. I’ve edited and condensed some of the entries, but I tried to stay true to the text:

-“I remember the first time I knew what it meant to be a woman, to have power over a man. The kind of power that would follow me for a long time. Laurie’s [my mother’s sister] boyfriend was over one night and the two of them sat on the couch watching TV. I don’t know if they were just really into the show they were watching or just bored with each other, but as soon as I came down the stairs in my nightgown his eyes never left my body. I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I bent over to get the milk, purposely and seductively for his gaze. At that moment I could of asked him to do anything and he would have done it with out blinking or thinking. It was then that I knew that I could control any man I chose.”

-“When I got out of high school some of my friends were getting married and some were going on to college. Later, it seemed that they were only going to college in order to shop around for a husband because they had been so unsuccessful in trapping a man in high school. I never wanted to go to college, nor did I feel a need to expand my intellect. Who am I trying to impress and why would I try to do it with my mind when God has obviously blessed me with this face and body? I spent a couple of years just traveling around the states. Drifting would probably be a better word for it, because I was letting the wind steer my course. I wound up in Chicago and it wasn’t long before I met Daniel [not my dad!]. He wanted to take pictures of me, trying to convince me I could be a model. It wasn’t long before he was asking that I took my clothes off. It wasn’t much of a decision to make after I saw the stack of bills on the table.”

-“After three years of posing for Daniel, the road had run its course. Pictures were no longer good enough for him and he wanted me to perform sex acts for motion picture. I didn’t care what the amount was being offered, there’s just some things a girl shouldn’t do for money. When you’re as beautiful as me, you don’t have to be desperate, you just have to be smart and know when to say goodbye. I’m taking the money I have saved up and I’m hitting the road again at first light.”

-“It’s been three months since I left Daniel and the money is all gone. I’ve been looking for a regular job, but it doesn’t seem that I’m the kind of girl that professional men want. And by that I mean working for them. Maybe it’s because I’m too beautiful. I’ve taken a job at a club by the airport. It’s a gentleman’s club, but the men that are patrons here are anything thing but gentlemen. I’m not thrilled about having their dirty hands on my ass, but the money is outrageous. This seems to be a very fast moving business and the hours are only a few a night. I find myself becoming exhausted and have trouble finding the energy to keep going. One of the other girls that works here gave me something to keep me going, she called it cocaine.”


Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

November 16, 2008 at 5:27 am