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Posts Tagged ‘weather

May Showers

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When I was a kid my grandmother told me that when it rains outside the God is crying. It’s been raining for the last eight days were I live so God must be miserable.


There’s a lot of talk that weather affects moods. “When it’s gray outside, I feel gray on the inside.” I personally don’t care what the weather’s like outside because I’m too mopey because of all this rain.


Women seem to hate the rain more than men. Apparently they’re all witches from Oz because they melt if they get wet.


Rain is magical. It turns dirt into mud. It makes taking my son to soccer practice in my $121,585 Maserati very exciting. I make him walk home, but I follow him to make sure nothing happens to the boy.


Rain is the life water of Mother Nature. All life is made possible by the part rain plays in the great circle of life. So I guess she likes to go on benders during spring, (the lush).


Rain is hard to watch. Every time I look up to see it, something hits me in the eye.


Some people keep rain gauges. I guess they want to know how much rain falls during a certain day or over a period of time. I bet if they knew I was pouring water into them they’d be awful angry.


Umbrellas were made to keep rain off your head. Galoshes were made to keep your feet dry. I think they should make clear, plastic, body suits that you could slip on to walk in the rain. They could call it, “Bodumlosh”.


There’s a real love and hate relationship that humans have with rain. It’s kind of like a cop, hated until you need one around. Whenever a drought hits you always hear some wisenheimer say, “We sure could use some rain”. This is the same person that curses it when they want to go do something on any given day when it is raining.


Perhaps our feeling for rain is like our attitude towards death. We’d all like it to come whilst we sleep.


Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

May 5, 2009 at 4:01 am

Meteorologists Equal Professional Fraud

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Close your eyes. Relax. Take a deep breath. Exhale, slowly. Imagine you are a cashier at Burger-Mart. A customer walks in and orders the number three with cheese, no pickles. The total is $7.48. The customer hands you a twenty dollar bill. You push the buttons on the cash register, the drawer opens up, you put the twenty in and return $1.21 to the customer. How long do you think it’d be before the customer jumped over the counter to strangle you?

Here’s another one.

This time you own a furniture store. You run print ads and radio commercials for your upcoming weekend sale. The ads claim that all entertainment centers are 85% off. The day your sale begins a customer walks in and sees the entertainment center of his/her dreams. Upon looking at the price tag, the customer notices the mark down is only 15%. How long before a riot ensues?

What does it mean? It means meteorologists are full of crap man!

There’s no other job in the world that allows you to be so wrong, so often. So much, that most people consider your profession to be a joke. These people went to college for cryin’ in the night. Who cares if you know what a stratocumulus or a cirrostratus is. I don’t. I just want to know if I’m going to die in the blizzard. Is that so hard to understand “Cloud-Man”?  Plus, they make crazy money, (at least the ones on TV). Yet they’re as incompetent as legless mules. Why don’t they just say, “There’s a 50/50 chance of sunshine, showers, snow, hail, earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanic eruption, swarms of locust and meteors falling from the sky today” every time they give their report? Just get it over with in one broad stroke.

Everyone knows meteorologists are worthless, but they don’t care. I’ve heard people say in the same breath, “The weather man is such an idiot… do you know what tomorrow’s suppose to be like?” Like grandma use to say, “If you want to know what the temperature is, go outside.” Dang, grandma was sweet AND smart. Your local meteorologist can be wrong every day for weeks and yet people still check the weather constantly, even though they are fully aware that it’s a “hunch” at best. Why can’t I have a job like that. “Hey Ramblin’ Rooster what 10 plus 10?” “Ummm… 37?” “Nope. Here’s your check, see ya tomorrow.”

Why are people so obsessed about the weather anyway? “Hey Billy, I’d love to come over and hang out, but it might rain, so I’m just going to stay here locked in the bathroom, laying in the tub with a mattress over the top of me. Maybe tomorrow.” Why would the weather stop you from anything you wanted to do? “Mr. Ramblin’ Rooster, maybe we might want to have picnic and we want to see if it’s suppose to rain, ’cause we’d hate to pack the basket, get all ready and go, just to get rained on.” Well, I bet you’d feel more stupid if you didn’t go and it didn’t rain. “I missed wishing my brother goodbye at the train station because Hank told me that snow was likely.” Don’t let that be you.

The worst part of all is when severe weather does hit, (and it’s always the same) “This storm just came out of nowhere…” Or it came out of the sky. Perhaps you need to crack open your meteorology handbook and verify what the red, fuzzy circle means again. Severe weather strikes, so you turn on the news, (assuming you still have a TV) and suddenly there’s fifty meteorologists “on location” all over the city. People you’ve never seen or heard of. The regular weather person is never on. WTF?!?! So you watch the broadcast for hours, hoping to catch a morsel of information and for three hours you sit through these second and third string meteorologists going on and on about what “they saw”. “Tell us what you saw Jim.” “Tell us what happen there Judy.” “Tell us what it’s like where you’re at Jam-Goo, the dancing sheep dog” Who cares? Just tell me if I’m going to die in the flood.

Truth is, I’m just jealous of anyone who gets to do shadow puppets in front of a “green-screen”.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

October 25, 2008 at 5:26 am