Sunday's drive up your blog… with Ramblin' Rooster

The official blog of RoosterEgg.com

Archive for January 2010

Poetry Emotion

with 6 comments

If I were a man, I’d wear a dress

Plucking all the hairs from my perky breasts

If I were a woman, I’d stand to pee

Drink beer, grab ass, screwing all I see

If I were a man, I’d wear lipstick

Spackling my makeup on six inches thick

If I were a woman, I’d scratch myself

Not caring about where or what it was

If I were a man, I’d knit and sew

Never again letting an argument go

If I were a woman, I’d fight for fun

Lose teeth, blacken eyes, discharging my gun

If I were a man, I’d cry all the time

Bubble bath, candles and a bottle of wine

If I were a woman, I’d snort and spit

Refer to men as either Ho or Bitch

But I am neither a woman nor man

Just a Ramblin’ Rooster not a cackling hen

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle was “because pepper makes them sneeze”. With no correct answer the winning pool doubles.

Tonight’s riddle:

Why do lions eat raw meats?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

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Sidewalk of Penny

with 3 comments

Today I was walking downtown and I saw a shiny penny on the sidewalk. As luck would have it, it was “heads up”. I leaned down to pick it up. As I reached out my thumb fell off. No big deal. I used my first, (pointer) finger and middle finger to pick up my thumb. Just as I got my fingers around my thumb, my pinky fell off. Still, no big deal, I stacked the pinky on my thumb and started to… my ring finger fell off. I went to stack my thumb on the pinky onto the ring finger… dang it! My hand fell off.

Thank goodness I have another arm that still has a hand… my other hand fell off. Talk about frustrating! I thought I could pick up my hands with my wrist stumps, but then my arms fell off. As I stood there wondering what I was going to do my entire view suddenly changed.

My legs came off and I lay on the sidewalk like a fish out of water, except with less flipping and flailing, ’cause I could still breathe.

It’s amazing how many people will step right over you. It’s like no one wants to stop and help a guy when he “goes to pieces”. I think I even heard a woman say, as she went out of her way to walk around me, “disgusting”… like it’s my fault.

Eventually I was able to “pull myself together”. Afterwards, as I was able to stand up again, I noticed the penny still lying on the sidewalk. I contemplated whether or not I should try to pick up the penny. Was it this coin that led me to “lose it” or a mere coincidence? Who am I to play fortune teller?

I reached down and picked up the penny. In my hand I looked at it as it rest in my palm.

Turns out it wasn’t a penny, but instead a smooched M&M.

To hell with it all.

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

The answer to last week’s riddle is “silence”. Congratulations Scott on having the winning answer. You will receive a ten year supply of trash sacks, (a.k.a. plastic grocery bags).

Tonight’s riddle:

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 18, 2010 at 5:45 am

Talkin’ Trash

with 2 comments

Most people like to take things for granted and if they’re not taking them
for granted they’re not giving them any thought.

Trash and trash service I think would rank pretty high on the list of things
most people never give any thought to, whereas I think about trash all the
time.

Where I use to live trash was effortlessly taken away via a container which
I refer to as a polycart, where I live now you set your bags of trash on the
curb naked and revealing to the world, (aka neighbors).

You never consider the message you send to the world, (aka neighbors) with
the contents of your refuge until they can see right through the bag. “Oh
look, David is having troubles with regularity as evident shown by the two
boxes of ‘Fiber Squares’ and empty bottles of ‘Liquid Fiber’ stuffed
in-between the ‘Twinkies’ and ‘Pinwheels'”.

You can think of much more disgusting things to reveal about the “trash on
display”, but I can’t paint every nightmare for you.

What has come to my attention lately is incredible racism, (i.e.
segregation) that exists in the trash world. Crazy am I? Just take a look at
the evidence.

The trash liners that everyone keeps in their home, be it a kitchen liner or
a bathroom liner is white in color. The trash can you use outside or the bag
you use for nasty, big or outdoor yard cleanup is black. No one ever uses
the black bag inside and no one is seen raking leaves into a white trash
bag. Why can’t trash bags live together, why can’t they be interchangeable?
Why can’t we throw our trash into both bags equally? It’s all a big stinky
mess!

The next time you’re buying trash bags, ask for gray bags and help the
neighbors, (aka the world) overcome such a silly and unnecessary prejudice.

Egg On!
Ramblin’ Rooster

—Riddle Me Rooster—

Scott came up with one hell of a joke, (even though it was more of a short
story) and Bschooled came up with an even more impressive steal. CLT could
still be a winner, but I have to wait until after my trip to Vegas. So
thanks everybody.

Tonight’s riddle:

What is so fragile that even saying it can break it?

Submit you’re answer as a comment for the chance to win fabulous
make-believe prizes and come back next Sunday for the answer. Good luck!

Local Advertising rocks

with 12 comments

I made a commercial for a friend of mine. I thought I’d share with y’all.

Check it out…

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

The answer to the trivia question is “Only the Shadow knows”. Pete from Westchester wins by a nose.

Tonight is not a riddle, but a challenge. Write me a joke. The punchline is “Red Carpet”, the premise or set up is something about a Russian/communist lesbian. Have fun and let your dirty imagination run wild.

Written by Ramblin' Rooster

January 4, 2010 at 4:07 am