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Archive for February 2009

Fighting Temptation To Punch You When I Talk

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You think that title is long; you should have seen what I wanted to call it, “Fighting temptation to punch you square in the face when I hear the annoying sounds you make while I talk”. So be grateful they made me condense it. This whole blog could have been the title. Maybe it should be, maybe I should stop right here, but you know I can’t.

 

I’ve always been an advocate for communication. I agree with leading experts that communication is the key for… well… communicating I guess. Anyway, there are to gigantic pet peeves I have during the conversation process. You might think that they are of a grammatical nature or something that shows the ignorance of the speaker, but you’d be wrong. Don’t worry, I laugh at you in my head, but I don’t judge you. It doesn’t bother me if you say, “He ain’t got no nothin’ to showed me.” We can still be friends. That’s just you and how you speak. Now here is where I contradict myself.

 

The first one I hate is “m’kay”. The long “M” sound followed by the “K” from OK. Why would anyone want to make a conjunction out of “mm” and OK? It turns every sentence into a question. This has been played out like ‘Stairway to Heaven’ or ‘Hotel California’ on the radio. Every cartoon show has at least one character that ends every sentence with “m’kay”. It’s been over exposed, over used and what was once funny is now a source of disappointment. So when I meet someone in real life that uses “m’kay” as a real part of their speech patterns, I must admit, it drives me crazy and I want to hurt them. I honestly see red. I can’t think of anything more annoying or ridiculous. Except…

 

When people intermittently inject “um-hm” while you’re talking, this is an automatic death sentence. How can you be agreeing with me before I finish me sentence? How can you be agreeing with me without a question even being asked?

 

“So I went to the store…”

“Um-hm.”

“…to buy some milk.”

“Um-hm.”

“And I saw this girl working there…”

“Um-hm.”

“…that I used to go to school with.”

“Um-hm.”

 

It’s completely irrational, illogical, irresponsible and “the bringer of the end of days”.

 

The only way to make these horrible habits of speech worse is to be a bystander of them. Rather than being engaged in the conversation you have to listen to people actually talking to each other in this manner. If you got a “m’kay guy” together with a “um-hm guy” we would all get to meet the Devil, because Armageddon would have commenced. I guess in actuality, they’d be a perfect match. So I guess I’ll see you in Hell.

 

There’s a lot that I can tolerate, but there are some things I can’t, m-kay?

 

Egg On (um-hm)!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 28, 2009 at 3:33 am

Chivalry Is A Scam

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It’s been said that chivalry is dead and I for one agree. I don’t think it necessarily was avoidable or a bad thing, but gentlemen sure aren’t what they used to be. I mean have you ever been to a “gentleman’s club”? There’s nothing very gentlemanly going on in there. The world has drastically changed and with it, so has our culture. Women have been entitled to equal rights, are allowed to show their ankles, (or if they’ve just turned twenty-one and are at a bar with a video camera going, their chest) the right to work long hours and enjoy all the other freedoms, to lengthy to list here, equal to a man. So of course women are going to be treated differently.

 

If you saw a woman bending a steel bar or biting off a cap on a beer bottle, you’d be less inclined to help her down as she made her way out of the buggy or carriage. Oh wait, that’s right, we don’t have those things anymore. Well then, you’d be less likely to help her out of your 4×4 Jimmy with a 16” lift. In the same right, if dining with a woman who belches out loud with force, you’d be less likely to stand when she excuses her self to “powder her nose”, especially if she says, “I need to piss”. You see where I’m going with this?

 

The reality of it is evolution has killed chivalry, not the “pigness” or laziness of men. You see some glints of it still today. Its presents isn’t totally gone, but did you know that all of it, every single act, ever committed was a scam?

 

Think about it. Every act of chivalry made it possible for the man to get behind the woman. Why would they want to do this? It is/was to be able to look at your butt of course. It’s a well known, scientific fact, that all men, regardless of sexual orientation, love butts. It doesn’t matter what kind of butt you have, because the man is just looking. He doesn’t care if he likes it or not, he just wants to see it. Hold the door? Look at your butt. Pull your chair out? Look at your butt. Ladies first? Look at your butt. Etc.

 

So now the secret is out and we can all go back to just trying to sneak a peek like the good old days. It’s much more fun and a lot less work and in the end, it’s a well rounded compromise.

 

Have you ever noticed that when a guy wants to “let women know the secret of men” that he’s like the biggest perverts that’s dying for “lady-time”. I can assure you that this is not the case here.

 

Who wants ten girlfriends?

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

Free Lunch Incentive

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Having been in my professional industry for over a hundred years, or what feels like a hundred years, the personal invitation or news of others receiving an invitation to a seminar or presentation that gives a free lunch has been massive. Even outside my little cubical the world loves offering a “free lunch” while feeding you information, (pun intended). It’s kind of like the free hotel stay if you tour a condo or a free trip to Mexico if you allow a vacuum salesman to pour coffee grounds on your carpet. It’s classic marketing 101, “Bait ‘em with the prospect of free”.

 

Right off the bat this raises two questions. One, does this really make it free and two, what is the reasoning behind this shady offer of a free lunch?

 

Let’s start with; does this really make it free? Obviously the cliché, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” comes to mind. Everyone loves the word “free” yet no one believes that it’s real. We all think or know that at some point there’s a catch, but that doesn’t stop us from hunting down anything that has the word “free” attached to it. In the end it’s impossible to deny that going to something to receive your “free” thing isn’t free. At the very least it costs you time and on some occasions that can seem like a rip off in comparison to the pain of “sitting through” whatever it is you have to endure.

 

What is the reasoning behind this shady offer of a free lunch? I think I answered this, for the most part, in the previous paragraph. People love the fantasy of “free stuff”. In my mind, I’ve always thought of how ridiculous, not to mention a waste of money, it is to feed people who have no intention of buying whatever it is you’re selling. A lot of them aren’t even listening to you or can’t hear you because of the crunching and munching echoing inside their skull. I suppose I’m totally wrong and this system of “feed and sale” is cost effective, because it happens all the time. Another cliché is, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. So perhaps, “The way to a company’s check book is through a free lunch”.

 

I wonder how long before they have a stripper dancing in the background during a presentation. That’d really fill the seats.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 26, 2009 at 6:11 am

Whatever Happened To Knee Patches?

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My wife will buy the kids a new pair of jeans at the slightest sign of knee wear of pin sized hole. When I was a kid I had one pair of jeans that lasted me from kindergarten till I graduated from high school. Basically at the end of their life, there was no denim material left at all. They were entirely assorted patches by then.

 

I liked when the hole in the knee would rip out from behind the patch and my mother would re-sew the patch on by grabbing extra material from off to the side, making a kind of bizarre pleat in the jeans. I’m not sure, because my mother has never divulged the answer to me, but I hypothesize that back in those days each child was only allotted one pair by the state or that the mobsters that owned the patch factories had struck a deal with the teamsters. Either way, I wish I knew where all the patches went.

 

Some of you might not know that there was a time when patches ruled the world. You couldn’t walk into a store without seeing them everywhere. They weren’t just for covering holes either, no, no my friend, they were a fashion movement. Patches were for every inch of every item of clothing you owned. Plus, you could get a patch for any band, product, team, saying, or symbol you could ever think of.

 

You knew the sad kids right away, because they had the plain patches or even worse, the jean colored patches. You had to have a flashy patch back in those days to be cool. It had to have a groovy saying or popular character or some kind of animal on it. How can you make a statement with a plain green patch?

 

There were two kinds of patches, the classic sewn-on and the iron-on. The iron-on ones would last about as long as it took to ride your bike down the street, but it didn’t stop anyone from buying them for the simple fact that they could easily be converted into the sewn-on kind.

 

I wonder if the economy is the way it is today because of the patch industry going away. You’d think that in the middle of a recession that this would be the time you would need patches, now more than ever.

 

Let’s patch it up!

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 25, 2009 at 3:14 am

Let’s Have An Affair

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I was thinking today how awesome it would be to have a torrid affair. Pending you could get over destroying the lives of your spouse and children, tearing apart your family, gut-rotting guilt, lies that assure your place among the top spots in Hell and nightmares about crying, screaming and hurting people. Other than that, it’d be totally awesome.

 

Let’s say you’re sitting around the house with your boring spouse, when suddenly you get a mysterious phone call. You tell your spouse that something came up at the office and you need to go down there for a couple of hours to help out. No, they’d never buy that. I got it, you tell your spouse that your friend just got arrested for drunk driving and you need to go downtown to bail them out. No, that would be too easy for your spouse to very it’s legitimacy. Wow, this affair thing is a lot harder than I thought.

 

OK, let’s just say you came up with a good, solid lie, one that your spouse bought without a doubt. You’re free and out of the house. You drive to a sleazy hotel to meet your secret lover and you two get a room. “Does the room have free HBO?” You’re missing the point here. The two of you get a room and engage in ultimate sin. Then you shower up and scoot on home. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Sure beats a night of watching television and talking to your kids about their day.

 

To make the whole affair really worthwhile, it’s important that your secret lover is also married with children. It’s just not fair that only one of you has to sneak around and lie. Plus, when the whole thing blows up in your faces, you want to make sure that the maximum number of casualties is achieved.

 

Now, you should keep up this affair for a very long time, long enough to become comfortable. Otherwise it will be hard for you to let your guard down and become sloppy. “Why must I get sloppy?” How else are you going to get caught? A secret isn’t a secret until others find out about it.

 

Once the affair hits the fan, it’s usually pretty explosive and heated. You should be able to see emotions coming from your spouse to which the likes you’ve never seen before, (note: more excitement). Once the fireworks are over and you’re driving around looking for a hotel, (this time it’s just for a place to stay for the night, not time spent with your secret lover, because at this point they’ve lost interest in you because of all the drama) it should start to hit you. “What will hit me?” At some point you should be overcome with painful feelings, which will inevitably lead you to thinking about what you had and how you’re going to miss it now that it’s gone.

 

Over the next few months you’ll experiment in loneliness and solitude. You’ll wear an invisible mask that you’ll become extremely paranoid about other people seeing. This is why you figure everyone is looking at you like you’re the scum of the earth. Just ignore it as it will go away, much like your money to alimony and child support. Finally one day you’ll be having lunch and as the check comes you’ll notice an attractive waiter(ess) and it will remind you of your secret lover. You’ll then be amazed and shocked that you can no longer remember their name, but will relish in the fact that all of this is better than being bored on the couch.

 

As I always say, the best way to spice up a marriage is infidelity.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 24, 2009 at 4:53 am

Limited Time Offer

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I’ll admit it; I was cut loose, kicked out, expelled, asked to leave and booted from “marketing skool”. So I never got my degree and I missed the week where they talked about the “limited time offer” ploy. Just looking at it written out I get tingly all over just thinking of its genius. Limited time offer, it just sounds so wonderful, scary and exciting.

 

Here is the RoosterEgg.com exclusive, behind the scenes look at the transcript from the first meeting that launched the LTO movement.

 

“Hey Dave, thanks for meeting with me today.”

“No problem Phil, thank you for taking a look at my ad campaign.”

“That’s what you’re paying me for”

[They both laugh]

“I’ve been giving your restaurant a lot of thought and I’ve come up with an idea. You need more people to come, but less often.”

“What?”

“Just bare with me Dave, you get traffic, but it’s boring, stale traffic, those people are going to come eat there no matter what. You need to make people feel like if they don’t stop by your restaurant that they’ll be missing out on something, that they blew it, that they were left out.”

“Um… OK? But how do I…”

“It’s so easy, limited time offer! Limited. Time. Offer. Just say it. Doesn’t it just scream urgency?”

“I guess I don’t underst…”

“Dave, jesus, pull your head out! Have a cup of coffee or rub hot sauce in your eyes or something. You need to think up some kind of gimmicky sandwich, something that’s a lot like all your other sandwiches, but has just a little something extra, say like mushrooms or Swiss cheese. Then you run a huge campaign that says, This Sandwich For A Limited Time Only So Hurry In!”

“But if people liked it, why wouldn’t I just add it to the menu permanently?”

“Are you the stupidest man alive? How did you ever get to where you are without me? For @#$* sake Dave! If they can buy the sandwich anytime they wanted, they’re not going to buy it! They only want it till it’s gone!”

“OK, you don’t have to yell.”

“Tell you what; you can bring it back every year. Yea… it will be our Back By Popular Demand campaign. I’m so @#$%&* brilliant, I really should be charging you more.”

 

There you have it, the history of how the LTO became the greatest idea of American advertising. You know when I read that transcript it really does make a lot of sense and all my hate and anger just melts away.

 

I wonder if that’s only for a limited time.

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 23, 2009 at 5:00 am

Birds and Cages

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Most birds are pretty popular and some birds are darn right loved. Eagles and hawks are like rock stars or movie stars in the animal kingdom. Owls are admired, but they lack the power of the eagle and hawk. I think birds are so coveted because of the gift of flight. I bet if birds didn’t fly, no one would care about them at all. They’d just be rats with feathers. Look at the ostrich, nobody cares about an ostrich. I guess people love penguins and they don’t fly, but they’re awful classy with those tuxedos. Peacocks don’t fly either, do they? Again, they’re special because they have those fancy feathers. Wild birds capture a part of the imagination and speak to the spirit of man. It’s the freedom of the bird that we secretly or subconsciously are in love with.

 

So what about the non-wild birds like chickens? No one loves a chicken except at dinner time. Roosters get a little respect, probably a lot of that has to do with the double entendre of cock. Plus roosters are tough and can fight. Then there are the “pet” birds like parrots and cockatiels, (and like four hundred other kinds).

 

This of course brings us to the cage. It seems almost incomprehensible to think of putting a bird in a cage. “But I like to hear it sing.” So buy a CD of bird sounds. The most gifted of all animals, the ones that defy gravity itself aren’t able to break free from man and his cage. One could argue that the birds sold at shops are born and raised to be caged pets, so it’s not that bad to keep them in such a manner. Others may say how they let their bird out, how they’ve trained it to hang out in the kitchen while they make dinner or watch television. That’s great, but I think that deep down, somewhere inside each and every bird is a feeling of flight and regardless of how they’re kept or cared for, they want to spread their wings and go.

 

That led me to the thought of how we’re like birds in a way. We are capable of miraculous things, but a lot of us are stuck inside our own cage. That cage can be your horrible, disgusting, draining your soul, hate with all of your heart Sunday evening because you know you’re waking up to go to your job or it could be your house that you hardly ever leave, except maybe to get tacos.

 

Some people have never left the town that they were born in. Some people have never left the state. Some people have never left the country. Some people have been around the world. So maybe it’s not about whether or not you’re in a cage or not, but rather if you’re one of the lucky birds that gets to fly free.

 

I’m lucky to be given a computer to peck this blog. Thanks Farmer Brown!

 

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster

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February 22, 2009 at 4:20 am