Let’s Go To The Lobby & Have A Heart Attack

“Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby and get ourselves a treat.” I can’t remember if it’s “have ourselves” and if “treat” is “snack”, but this is the jingle I recall from every drive-in theatre I went to as a child. Tonight’s blog isn’t about drive-in theatres, but rather the concession sold at movie theatres. I just always liked that goofy jingle.

Real quick, before we begin, I just want to establish the different type of movie-goers. There are three types:

Type A – People who don’t really care about the movie. They can miss parts, be multi-tasking, etc. The movie is the equivalent to background noise.

Type B – People who talk out loud during the movie. This type covers those that may be really into the movie, (talking to the screen) and those who are confused and are asking the person next to them for clarity/explanation or guessing the next scene/ending.

Type C – People who “zone-out” and don’t want to be disturbed, (not even if the theatre is on fire). They want to see the movie from the opening credits to the house lights coming on.

I’m a Type C movie-goer. When I was single, I use to go to the theatre up to three times a week. On my birthday, I’d go to the theatre and watch movies from the first showtime to the last. I loved it. I was never tempted to buy concessions, nor did I sneak them in. For some reason when I’m at the theatre I suffer from “old man bladder” syndrome. So I never wanted to drink a 32 ounce beverage and have to miss a part of the movie. I’d buy a drink, find my seat, (which I prefer the very back row, center) and then for the duration of the previews, I’d try to resist drinking my beverage. It was always difficult, but for some reason I had it in my mind that if I could wait until the movie started to begin drinking, I’d be OK. Eventually I grew tired of the game and decided to be “concession free” and I was always fine with it.

Now that I have children, they associate “movie time” with “truckloads of treats”. Now I know that many a comedian, whether they’re a professional or your next door neighbor have made light of the outrageous prices at movie theatre concession stands. So I know that I am not breaking any new ground here, but after taking my son to the movie today, I want blood.

Again we run into the issue of “people-laying-down-and-accepting-ridiculous-corporate-commercial-sodomy”. We are all fully aware that a small bag of popcorn doesn’t cost five dollars. We are all educated enough to realize that a 32 ounce drink doesn’t cost seven dollars. Yet, like cattle with whip marks, we serpentine through velvet roped lanes, waiting in aggravating long lines, only to open our veins upon our turn and bleed green to young kids who for some reason refuse to fill your seven dollar beverage to the generally accepted “full line”.

It really makes going to the movies a drag. Isn’t there some kind of government enforcement about price gouging? Or does that only apply if you have monopolized the market? In any event it really doesn’t matter. The price of admission is ludicrious, the concession is mind blowing and in the end, if the movie you take a chance on sucks, you’ve dropped a car payment for chest pains. Buying the DVD when it first comes out is a couple of gallons of gas cheaper than two movie tickets. That just isn’t right. It’s totally insane! How can this kind of treachery continue?

Please go and see my new movie, “Ramblin’ Rooster’s Blog-tastic Movie”

Egg On!

Ramblin’ Rooster